OOK:

Have you ever admired those successful people who seem to“have
it all”? You see them chatting conﬁdently at business meetings or
comfortably at social parties. They’re the ones with the best jobs,
the nicest spouses, the ﬁnest friends, the biggest bank accounts, or
the most fashionable zip codes.
But wait a minute! A lot ofthem aren’t smarter than you.
They’re not more educated than you. They’re not even better look-
ing! So what is it? (Some people suspect they inherited it. Others
say they married it or were just plain lucky. Tell them to think
again.) What it boils down to is their more skillful way ofdeal-
ing with fellow human beings.
You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people
who seem to “have it all” have captured the hearts and conquered
the minds ofhundreds ofothers who helped boost them, rung by
rung, to the top ofwhatever corporate or social ladder they chose.
Wanna-bes wandering around at the foot ofthe ladder often
gaze up and grouse that the big boys and big girls at the top are
snobs. When big players don’t give them their friendship, love, or
business, they call them “cliquish” or accuse them ofbelonging to
an “old-boy network.” Some grumble they hit their heads against
a “glass ceiling.”
The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection
was their own fault. They’ll never know they blew the affair, the
xi
Introduction
How to Get Anything You Want
from Anybody (Well, at Least
Have the Best Crack at It!)
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friendship, or the deal because oftheir own communications fum-
bles. It’s as though well-liked people have a bag oftricks, a magic,
or a Midas touch that turns everything they do into success.
What’s in their bag oftricks? You’ll ﬁnd a lot ofthings: a sub-
stance that solidiﬁes friendships, a wizardry that wins minds, and
a magic that makes people fall in love with them. They also pos-
sess a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote, a charac-
teristic that keeps clients coming back, and an asset that makes
customers buy from them and not the competition. We all have a
few ofthose tricks in our bags, some more than others. Those with
a whole lot ofthem are big winners in life.
How to Talk to Anyone
gives you ninety-two ofthese little tricks they use every day so
you, too, can play the game to perfection and get whatever you
want in life.
How the “Little Tricks” Were Unveiled
Many years ago, a drama teacher, exasperated at my bad acting in
a college play, shouted, “No! No! Your body is belying your words.
Every tiny movement, every body position,” he howled, “divulges
your private thoughts. Your face can make seven thousand differ-
ent expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what
you are thinking at any particular moment.” Then he said some-
thing I’ll never forget: “And your body! The way you move is your
autobiography in motion.”
How right he was! On the stage ofreal life, every physical
move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of
your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears can’t detect. Bats see shapes
in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that
are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to
attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter,
or every arbitrary choice ofword that passes between your lips can
draw others toward you or make them want to run away.
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Men—did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a
deal? Women—did your women’s intuition make you accept or
reject an offer? On a conscious level, we may not be aware ofwhat
the hunch is. But like the ear ofthe dog or the eye ofthe bat, the
elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real.
Imagine, please, two humans in a complex box wired with cir-
cuits to record all the signals ﬂowing between the two. As many
as ten thousand units ofinformation ﬂow per second. “Probably
the lifetime efforts ofroughly halfthe adult population ofthe
United States would be required to sort the units in one hour’s
interaction between two subjects,” a University ofPennsylvania
communications authority estimates.1
With the zillions ofsubtle actions and reactions zapping back
and forth between two human beings, can we come up with con-
crete techniques to make our every communication clear, conﬁ-
dent, credible, and charismatic?
Determined to ﬁnd the answer, I read practically every book
written on communications skills, charisma, and chemistry
between people. I explored hundreds ofstudies conducted around
the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility.
Intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to
ﬁnd the formula. For example, optimistic Chinese researchers,
hoping charisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare
the relationship ofpersonality type to the catecholamine level in
subjects’ urine.2Needless to say, their thesis was soon shelved.
Dale Carnegie Was GREAT for the
Twentieth Century, but This Is the
Twenty-First
Most ofthe studies simply conﬁrmed Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic,
How to Win Friends and Inﬂuence People
.3His wisdom for the ages
said success lay in smiling, showing interest in other people, and
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making them feel good about themselves. “That’s no surprise,” I
thought. It’s as true today as it was more than sixty years ago.
So ifDale Carnegie and hundreds ofothers since offer the
same astute advice, why do we need another book telling us how
to win friends and inﬂuence people? Two mammoth reasons.
Reason One:
Suppose a sage told you, “When in China,
speak Chinese,” but gave you no language lessons? Dale Carnegie
and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us
what to do but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticated world,
it’s not enough to say “smile” or “give sincere compliments.” Cyn-
ical businesspeople today see more subtleties in your smile, more
complexities in your compliment. Accomplished or attractive peo-
ple are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and
fawning all over them. Prospects are tired ofsalespeople who say,
“The suit looks great on you,” when their ﬁngers are caressing cash
register keys. Women are wary ofsuitors who say, “You are beau-
tiful,” when the bedroom door is in view.
Reason Two:
The world is a very different place than it was
in 1936, and we need a new formula for success. To ﬁnd it, I
observed the superstars oftoday. I explored techniques used by
top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to
convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and ath-
letes to win.
I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that
lead to their success. Then I broke them down into easily digestible,
news-you-can-use techniques. I gave each a name that will quickly
come to mind when you ﬁnd yourselfin a communications conun-
drum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharing them with
audiences around the country. Participants in my communications
seminars gave me their ideas. My clients, many ofthem CEOs of
Fortune 500 companies, enthusiastically offered their observations.
When I was in the presence ofthe most successful and
beloved leaders, I analyzed their body language and their facial
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expressions. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their
timing, and their choice ofwords. I watched as they dealt with
their families, friends, associates, and adversaries. Every time I
detected a little nip ofmagic in their communicating, I asked
them to pluck it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light
ofconsciousness. We analyzed it together, and I then turned it
into an easy-to-do “little trick” others could duplicate and proﬁt
from.
My ﬁndings and the strokes ofsome ofthose very effective
folks are in this book. Some are subtle. Some are surprising. But
all are achievable. When you master them, everyone from new
acquaintances to family, friends, and business associates will hap-
pily open their hearts, homes, companies, and even wallets to give
you whatever they can.
There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new com-
munications skills, you’ll look back and see some very happy givers
smiling in your wake.
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1
PARTONE
How to Intrigue
Everyone Without
Saying a Word
You Only Have Ten Seconds to
Show You’re a Somebody
The exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has
awesome potency. The ﬁrst sight ofyou is a brilliant holograph.
It burns its way into your new acquaintance’s eyes and can stay
emblazoned in his or her memory forever.
Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, ﬂeeting
emotional response. My friend Robert Grossman is an accom-
plished caricature artist who draws regularly for
Forbes
,
Newsweek
,
Sports Illustrated
,
Rolling Stone
, and other popular publications.
Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appear-
ance ofhis subjects, but for zeroing in on the essence oftheir per-
sonalities. The bodies and souls ofhundreds ofluminaries radiate
from his sketch pad. One glance at his caricatures offamous peo-
ple and you can actually “see” their personalities.
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Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cock-
tail napkin ofa guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlook-
ers gasp as they watch their friend’s image and essence materialize
before their eyes. When he’s ﬁnished drawing, he puts his pen
down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often a puzzled look
comes over the subject’s face. He or she usually mumbles some
politeness like, “Well, er, that’s great. But it really isn’t me.”
The crowd’s convincing crescendo of“Oh yes it is!” drowns
the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused
subject is left to stare back at the world’s view ofhimselfor her-
selfin the napkin.
Once when I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he
could capture people’s personalities so well. He said, “It’s simple.
I just look at them.”
“No,” I asked, “How do you capture their personalities? Don’t
you have to do a lot ofresearch about their lifestyle, their history?”
“No, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.”
“Huh?”
He went on to explain, “Almost every facet ofpeople’s per-
sonalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way
they move. For instance . . .” he said, calling me over to a ﬁle where
he kept his caricatures ofpolitical ﬁgures.
“See,” Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body
parts, “here’s the boyishness ofClinton,” showing me his halfsmile;
“the awkwardness ofthe elder George Bush,” pointing to his shoul-
der angle; “the charm ofReagan,” noting the ex-president’s smiling
eyes; “the shiftiness ofNixon,” pointing to the furtive tilt ofhis
head. Digging a little deeper into his ﬁle, he pulled out Franklin
Delano Roosevelt and, pointing to the nose high in the air, “Here’s
the pride ofFDR.” It’s all in the face and the body.
First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fast-
paced, information-overload world ofmultiple stimuli bombard-
ing us every second, people’s heads are spinning. They must form
2
How to Talk to Anyone
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quick judgments to make sense ofthe world and get on with what
they have to do. So, whenever people meet you, they take an
instant mental snapshot. That image ofyou becomes the data they
deal with for a very long time.
Your Body Shrieks Before Your
Lips Can Speak
Are their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your
lips part and the ﬁrst syllable escapes, the essence ofYOU has
already axed its way into their brains. The way you look and the
way you move is more than 80 percent ofsomeone’s ﬁrst impres-
sion ofyou. Not one word need be spoken.
I’ve lived and worked in countries where I didn’t speak the
native language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken
between us, the years proved my ﬁrst impressions were on target.
Whenever I met new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly
they felt toward me, how conﬁdent they were, and approximately
how much stature they had in the company. I could sense, just
from seeing them move, who the heavyweights were and who were
the welterweights.
I have no extrasensory skill. You’d know, too. How? Because
before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a
sixth sense about someone. Studies have shown emotional reac-
tions occur even before the brain has had time to register what’s
causing that reaction.4Thus the moment someone looks at you,
he or she experiences a massive hit, the impact ofwhich lays the
groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told me he captures
that ﬁrst hit in creating his caricatures.
Deciding to pursue my own agenda for
How to Talk to Any-
one
, I asked, “Bob, ifyou wanted to portray somebody really
cool—you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fas-
cinating, caring, interested in other people. . . .”
How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word3
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“Easy,” Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was get-
ting at. “Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a conﬁdent
smile, and a direct gaze.” It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s
a Somebody.
How to Look Like a Somebody
My friend Karen is a highly respected professional in the home-
furnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the
communications ﬁeld. They have two small sons.
Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event,
everyone pays deference to her. She’s a very important person in
that world. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just
to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be pho-
tographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like
Home
Furnishings Executive
and
Furniture World
.
Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to
communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When
she takes her kids to school functions, she’s just another mom. She
once asked me, “Leil, how can I stand out from the crowd so peo-
ple who don’t know me will approach me and at least assume I’m
an interesting person?” The techniques in this section accomplish
precisely that. When you use the next nine techniques, you will
come across as a special person to everyone you meet. You will
stand out as a Somebody in whatever crowd you ﬁnd yourselfin,
even ifit’s not your crowd.
Let’s start with your smile.
4
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In 1936, one ofDale Carnegie’s six musts in
How to Win Friends
and Inﬂuence People
was SMILE! His edict has been echoed each
decade by practically every communications guru who ever put
pen to paper or mouth to microphone. However, at the turn of
the millennium, it’s high time we reexamine the role ofthe smile
in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Dale’s
dictum, you’ll ﬁnd a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always work. Espe-
cially nowadays.
The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s
sophisticated crowd. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and cor-
porate giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key players
in all walks oflife enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has
more potency and the world smiles with them.
Researchers have catalogued dozens ofdifferent types of
smiles. They range from the tight rubber band ofa trapped liar to
the soft squishy smile ofa tickled infant. Some smiles are warm
while others are cold. There are real smiles and fake smiles. (You’ve
seen plenty ofthose plastered on the faces offriends who say they’re
“delighted you decided to drop by,” and presidential candidates vis-
iting your city who say they’re “thrilled to be in, uh . . . uh. . . .”)
5
How to Make Your
Smile Magically
Different
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Big winners know their smile is one oftheir most powerful
weapons, so they’ve ﬁne-tuned it for maximum impact.
How to Fine-Tune Your Smile
Just last year, my old college friend Missy took over her family
business, a Midwestern company supplying corrugated boxes to
manufacturers. One day she called saying she was coming to New
York to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with sev-
eral ofher prospects. I was looking forward to once again seeing
my friend’s quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh.
Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was part ofher charm.
When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was tak-
ing over the business. I thought Missy’s personality was a little
bubbly to be a CEO in a tough business. But, hey, what do I know
about the corrugated box biz?
She, three ofher potential clients, and I met in the cocktail
lounge ofa midtown restaurant and, as we led them into the din-
ing room, Missy whispered in my ear, “Please call me Melissa
tonight.”
“Ofcourse,” I winked back, “not many company presidents
are called Missy!” Soon after the maître d’ seated us, I began notic-
ing Melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl I’d
known in college. She was just as charming; she smiled as much
as ever. Yet something was different. I couldn’t quite put my ﬁn-
ger on it.
Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impres-
sion everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She
was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients,
and I could tell they liked her, too. I was thrilled because my
friend was scoring a knockout that night. By the end ofthe eve-
ning, Melissa had three big new clients.
6
How to Talk to Anyone
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Afterward, alone with her in the cab, I said, “Missy, you’ve
really come a long way since you took over the company. Your
whole personality has developed, well, a really cool, sharp corpo-
rate edge.”
“Uh uh, only one thing has changed,” she said.
“What’s that?”
“My smile,” she said.
“Your what?” I asked incredulously.
“My smile,” she repeated as though I hadn’t heard her. “You
see,” she said, with a distant look coming into her eyes, “when Dad
got sick and knew in a few years I’d have to take over the business,
he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me. I’ll
never forget his words. Dad said, ‘Missy, Honey, remember that
old song, “I Loves Ya, Honey, But Yer Feet’s Too Big”? Well, if
you’re going to make it big in the box business, let me say, “I loves
ya, Honey, but your smile’s too quick.”’
“He then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a
study he’d been saving to show me when the time was right. It con-
cerned women in business. The study showed women who were
slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.”
As Missy talked, I began to think about history-making
women like Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir,
Madeleine Albright, and other powerful women oftheir ilk. Not
one was known for her quick smile.
Missy continued, “The study went on to say a big, warm smile
is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it
has more credibility.” From that moment on, Missy explained, she
gave clients and business associates her big smile. However, she
trained her lips to erupt more slowly. Thus her smile appeared
more sincere and personalized for the recipient.
That was it! Missy’s slower smile gave her personality a richer,
deeper, more sincere cachet. Though the delay was less than a sec-
How to Make Your Smile Magically Different7
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ond, the recipients ofher beautiful big smile felt it was special and
just for them.
I decided to do more research on the smile. When you’re in
the market for shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet. When
you decide to change your hairstyle, you look at everyone’s hair-
cut. Well, for several months, I became a steady smile watcher. I
watched smiles on the street. I watched smiles on TV. I watched
the smiles ofpoliticians, the clergy, corporate giants, and world
leaders. My ﬁndings? Amid the sea ofﬂashing teeth and parting
lips, I discovered the people perceived to have the most credibil-
ity and integrity were just ever so slower to smile. Then, when they
did, their smiles seemed to seep into every crevice oftheir faces
and envelop them like a slow ﬂood. Thus I call the following tech-
nique “The Flooding Smile.”
Let us now travel but a few inches north to two ofthe most
powerful communications tools you possess, your eyes.
8
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #1
The Flooding Smile
Don’t ﬂash an immediate smile when you greet
someone, as though anyone who walked into your line
ofsight would be the beneﬁciary. Instead, look at the
other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their
persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile ﬂood
over your face and overﬂow into your eyes. It will
engulfthe recipient like a warm wave. The split-second
delay convinces people your ﬂooding smile is genuine
and only for them.
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It’s only a slight exaggeration to say Helen ofTroy could launch
ships with her eyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear.
Your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate
people’s emotions. Just as martial arts masters register their ﬁsts as
lethal weapons, you can register your eyes as psychological lethal
weapons when you master the following eye-contact techniques.
Beloved people in the game oflife look beyond the conven-
tional wisdom that teaches “Keep good eye contact.” For one, they
understand that to certain suspicious or insecure people, intense
eye contact can be a virulent intrusion.
When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian house-
keeper whose fantasies were ﬁlled with witches, warlocks, and
black magic. Zola refused to be left alone in a room with Louie,
my Siamese cat. “Louie looks right through me—sees my soul,”
she’d whisper to me fearfully.
In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery. In others, star-
ing at someone can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this,
big players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cul-
tural body-language differences in their carry-on rather than a
Berlitz phrase book. In our culture, however, big winners know
exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous, especially
9
How toStrike Everyone as
Intelligent and Insightful
by Using Your Eyes
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between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in the
picture, strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men
and women.
A Boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect.5
The researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a two-
minute casual conversation. They tricked halftheir subjects into
maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the
number oftimes their partner blinked. They gave the other half
ofthe subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat.
When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspect-
ing blinkers reported signiﬁcantly higher feelings ofrespect and
fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknownst to them, had sim-
ply been counting their blinks.
I’ve experienced the closeness intense eye contact engenders
with a stranger ﬁrsthand. Once, when giving a seminar to several
hundred people, one woman’s face in the crowd caught my atten-
tion. The participant’s appearance was not particularly unique. Yet
she became the focus ofmy attention throughout my talk. Why?
Because not for one moment did she take her eyes offmy face.
Even when I ﬁnished making a point and was silent, her eyes
stayed hungrily on my face. I sensed she couldn’t wait to savor the
next insight to spout from my lips. I loved it! Her concentration
and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make
important points I’d long forgotten.
Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who
was so enthralled by my speech. As people were leaving the hall,
I quickly sidled up behind my big fan. “Excuse me,” I said. My
fan kept walking. “Excuse me,” I repeated a tad louder. My
admirer didn’t vary her pace as she continued out the door. I fol-
lowed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently. This
time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face. I mum-
bled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my
talk and wanting to ask her a few questions.
10
How to Talk to Anyone
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“Did you, uh, get much out ofthe seminar?” I ventured.
“Well, not really,” she answered candidly. “I had difﬁculty
understanding what you were saying because you were walking
around on the platform facing different directions.”
In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing
impaired. I did not captivate her as I had suspected. She was not
intrigued by my talk as I had hoped. The only reason she kept her
eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my
lips!
Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and
inspiration during my talk that, tired as I was, I asked her to join
me for coffee. I spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar
just for her. Powerful stuffthis eye contact.
Make Your Eyes Look Even
More Intelligent
There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition
to awakening feelings ofrespect and affection, maintaining strong
eye contact gives you the impression ofbeing an intelligent and
abstract thinker. Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data
more easily than concrete thinkers, they can continue looking into
someone’s eyes even during the silences. Their thought processes
are not distracted by peering into their partner’s peepers.6
Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale researchers, thinking
they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted
another study that, they assumed, would conﬁrm “the more eye
contact, the more positive feelings.” This time, they directed sub-
jects to deliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the
listeners to react with a sliding scale ofeye contact while their part-
ners talked.
The results? All went as expected when women told their per-
sonal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings
How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes11
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ofintimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men
felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men
felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more
interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.
Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has
a biological base. When you look intently at someone, it increases
their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing
through their veins.7This is the same physical reaction people have
when they start to fall in love. And when you consciously increase
your eye contact, even during normal business or social interac-
tion, people will feel they have captivated you.
Men talking to women and women talking to men or women:
use the following technique, which I call “Sticky Eyes,” for the joy
ofthe recipient—and for your own advantage. (Guys, I’ll have a
man-to-man modiﬁcation ofthis technique for you in a moment.)
What About Guys’ Eyes?
Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky
Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal
matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or mis-
interpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly
12
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #2
Sticky Eyes
Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation
partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye
contact even after he or she has ﬁnished speaking.
When you must look away, do it ever so slowly,
reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny
string ﬁnally breaks.
01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 12
more than normal with men on day-to-day communications—
and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral
message ofcomprehension and respect.
I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes
across as an arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his
brusque manner makes it look like he’s running roughshod over
people’s feelings.
Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I
told him about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to
heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically,
instead ofbluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu,
looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for the appetizer,
and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second before look-
ing down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell
you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across
as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra sec-
onds ofeye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We
received exceptionally gracious service the rest ofthe evening.
A week later Sammy called me and said, “Leil, Sticky Eyes has
changed my life. I’ve been following it to a T. With women, I
make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky. And now
everybody’s treating me with such deference. I think it’s part of
the reason I’ve made more sales this week than all last month!”
Ifyou deal with customers or clients in your professional life,
Sticky Eyes is a deﬁnite boon to your bottom line. To most peo-
ple in our culture, profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge,
an “I’m here for you” attitude.
Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medi-
cine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact tech-
nique has the potential to captivate or annihilate.
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Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or
superglue eyes. Let’s call them “Epoxy Eyes.” Big bosses use Epoxy
Eyes to evaluate employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to
intimidate suspected criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy
Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (Ifromance is your
goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.)
The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull
off—you, your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works.
Usually, when you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze
at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique
suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than
the speaker. This slightly disorients the target and he or she silently
asks, “Why is this person looking at me instead ofthe speaker?”
Your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reac-
tions. This can be beneﬁcial in certain business situations when it
is appropriate that you judge the listener.
Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as
a technique, but because they are sincerely interested in a pro-
spective employee’s reaction to certain ideas being presented.
Attorneys, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others
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who must examine subjects’ reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for ana-
lytical purposes.
When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals ofinterest
blended with complete conﬁdence in yourself. But because Epoxy
Eyes puts you in a position ofevaluating or judging someone else,
you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as
arrogant and brazen.
Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a
gentler, yet effective, form. Watch the speaker but let your glance
bounce to your target each time the speaker ﬁnishes a point. This
way Mr. or Ms. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her
reactions, yet there is relieffrom the intensity.
Use Epoxy Eyes to Push Their
Erotic Button
Ifromance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another
message. It says, “I can’t take my eyes offyou” or “I only have eyes
for you.” Anthropologists have dubbed eyes “the initial organ of
romance” because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc
with our heartbeat.8It also releases a druglike substance into our
How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You15
Technique #3
Epoxy Eyes
This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch
your target person even when someone else is talking.
No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or
woman you want to impact.
01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 15
nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone
detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye
contact can be a turn-on.
Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women—ifthey
ﬁnd you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to
your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. Ifshe does not like
you, however, your Epoxy Eyes is downright obnoxious. (Never
use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get
arrested!)
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Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song? “The
minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man ofdis-
tinction—a real big spender. Good looking, so reﬁned. Say
wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?”
The goal ofthis ﬁrst section is not to make you look like a
real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet ofa real big
Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we
now explore the most important technique to make you look like
a very important person.
When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little ham-
mer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction.
Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt ofhap-
piness hits your heart and you feel like a winner, your head jerks
up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile
frames your lips and softens your eyes.
This is the look winners have constantly. They stand with
assurance. They move with conﬁdence. They smile softly with
pride. No doubt about it—good posture symbolizes that you are
a man or woman who is used to being on top.
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Obviously millions ofmothers sticking their knuckles be-
tween their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions ofteachers telling
students, “Stand up straight!” hasn’t done the trick. We are a
nation ofslouchers. We need a technique more stern than teach-
ers and more persuasive than parents to make us stand like a
Somebody.
In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, per-
fect balance is not only desirable—it’s a matter oflife and death.
One false move, one slump ofthe shoulders, one hangdog look,
can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat.
I’ll never forget the ﬁrst time Mama took me to the circus.
When seven men and women raced into the center ring, the
crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They
cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against
my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallen-
das, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person
pyramid without a net.
In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a
soda slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda
shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family
meticulously and majestically ascended into the position ofa
human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire
hundreds offeet above the hard dirt with no net between them
and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.
To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace ofthe
seven Wallendas racing into the center ofthe big top to take their
bows. Each perfectly aligned—head high, shoulders back—stand-
ing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the
ground. Every muscle in their bodies deﬁned pride, success, and
their joy ofbeing alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to
get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit offeeling
that pride, success, and joy ofbeing alive.
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Your Posture Is Your Biggest
Success Barometer
Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master ofthe iron-jaw
act waiting in the wings ofthe Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bai-
ley Circus. Soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the
crowd with the precision and balance ofyour body.
Before walking through any door—the door to your ofﬁce, a
party, a meeting, even your kitchen—picture a leather bit hang-
ing by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher
than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head
back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that ﬁrst pulls your
cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up. As you ascend high
above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect align-
ment—head high, shoulders back, torso out ofhips, feet weight-
less. At the zenith ofthe tent, you spin like a graceful top to the
amazement and admiration ofthe crowd craning their necks to
watch you. Now you look like a Somebody.
One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how
many times I walked through a doorway: sixty times, even at
home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times
to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through count-
less doors at your ofﬁce. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times
a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the ﬁrst
mark ofa big winner.
You are now ready to ﬂoat into the room to captivate the
crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the
most important Somebody in the room).
You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray
you as a big winner. Like he said, “great posture, a heads-up look,
a conﬁdent smile, and a direct gaze.” The ideal image for some-
body who’s a Somebody.
How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go19
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Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your
attention outward to your conversation partner. Use the next two
techniques to make him or her feel like a million.
20
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #4
Hang by Your Teeth
Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame
ofevery door you walk through. Take a bite and, with
it ﬁrmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the
peak ofthe big top. When you hang by your teeth,
every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
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Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the ﬁrst
words out ofhis mouth are, “Well, how do you like me so far?”
The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask
that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously
or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.
Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us?
Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are?
We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away,
obviously unimpressed by our magniﬁcence. The cretins!
Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies
snifﬁng each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that
bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands
that ﬂash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up “I
submit” position. We have dozens ofother involuntary reactions
that take place in the ﬁrst few moments oftogetherness.
Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware ofthis.
They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They
watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far for-
ward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They
check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying
acceptance ofthe ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a
slight ﬁst, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your
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face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing
relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or
the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assis-
tant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note
ofyour every ﬁdget.
An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do
this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are
sharper observers ofsubtle body cues than males. Women, more
sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, “Is
something bothering you, Honey?” (These supersensitive women
accuse their husbands ofbeing so insensitive to emotions that they
wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched
in her tears.)
The attorney and the assistant then review your “score” on the
dozens ofsubconscious signals you ﬂashed. Depending on their
tally, you could ﬁnd yourselfon jury duty or twiddling your
thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.
Trial lawyers are so conscious ofbody language that, in the
1960s during the famous trial ofthe Chicago Seven, defense attor-
ney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge
Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecu-
tion, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler,
sent a message to the jury ofattention and interest. During his
defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned
back, sending the jury a subliminal message ofdisinterest.
You’re on Trial—and You Only Have
Ten Seconds
Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case,
everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether
they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the
same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken ques-
tion, “Well, how do you like me so far?”
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The ﬁrst few moments ofyour reactions set the stage upon
which the entire relationship will be played out. Ifyou ever want
anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to
their unspoken question, “How do you like me so far?” must be,
“Wow! I really like you.”
When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his
arms up in front ofhis chest, steps back, and hides behind
Mommy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come
home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he
opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny ﬂower
bud unfolding to the sunshine.
Twenty, thirty, forty, ﬁfty years oflife on earth make little dif-
ference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps
and folds his arms in front ofhis chest. When he wants to reject
a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off
with a myriad ofbody signals. However, when welcoming his
loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to
her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a
rainstorm.
Treat People Like Big Babies
Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive,
recently divorced friend ofmine. Carla had been a copywriter
with one ofthe leading advertising agencies which, like so many
companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of
work and out ofa relationship.
At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both
personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood
talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would
ﬁnd himselfwithin a few feet ofus. More often than not, one of
these desirable males would ﬂash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes
graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her
shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation
How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”23
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as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was
trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, “Why
doesn’t he come speak to us?”
Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because
ofCarla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle,
I had to say, “Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of
the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters
willing to relocate. And he’s single!” Carla moaned.
Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee.
“Hello!” We looked down simultaneously. Little ﬁve-year-old
Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s
skirt, obviously craving attention.
“Well, well, well,” Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over
her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched
little Willie’s elbow, and crooned, “Well, hello there, Willie. How
are you enjoying Mommy’s nice party?”
Little Willie beamed.
When little Willie ﬁnally trundled offto tug on the garments
ofthe next group ofpotential attention givers, Carla and I
returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate
beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued
casting halfsmiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none
ofthem was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue.
Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure ofmy
teeth, I said, “Carla, have you been noticing that four or ﬁve men
have come over and smiled at you.”
“Yes,” Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the
room lest anyone overhear us.
“And you’ve been giving them little halfsmiles,” I continued.
“Yes,” she murmured, now confused at my question.
“Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your
skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of
yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up
conversation?”
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“Yee-es,” she answered haltingly.
“Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man
who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you
to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out
and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him
into our conversation.”
“Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.”
“Carla, do it!” Sure enough, within a few minutes, another
attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role
to perfection. She ﬂashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward
him, and said, “Hello, come join us.” He wasted no time accept-
ing Carla’s invitation.
After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my
departure because they were in animated conversation. The last
glimpse I had ofmy friend at the party was her ﬂoating out the
door on the arm ofher new friend.
Just then the technique I call “The Big-Baby Pivot” was born.
It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from
whatever type ofbeasts you encounter in the social or corporate
jungle.
How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”25
Technique #5
The Big-Baby Pivot
Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The
instant the two ofyou are introduced, reward your new
acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body
turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny
tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious
face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin.
Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I
think you are very, very special.”
01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 25
Remember, buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is
rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition ofhow very special
he or she is.
The following technique reinforces the big baby’s suspicion
that he or she is, indeed, the center ofthe universe.
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A very wise man with the funny name ofZig9once told me, “Peo-
ple don’t care how much you know until they know how much
you care . . . about them.” Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to mak-
ing people like you is showing how much you like them!
Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station reveal-
ing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given
moment. Even ifyour Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their
respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making
them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts
and minds, the rest ofyour body can reveal any incongruence.
Every inch—from the crinkle ofyour forehead to the position of
your feet—must give a command performance ifyou want to
effectively present an “I care about you” attitude.
Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in over-
drive. Remember Shakespeare’s
Julius Caesar
? He said ofCassius,
he “has a lean and hungry look . . . he thinks too much . . . such
men are dangerous.” So it is with our brains when conversing with
a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some ofus are
ﬁghting offshyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.)
And hungry. (We’re deciding what, ifanything, we want from this
potential relationship.) So we think too much instead ofrespond-
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ing with candid, unself-conscious friendliness. Such actions are
dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.
When our bodies are shooting offten thousand bullets of
stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misﬁre and reveal shy-
ness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to ensure every shot
aims right at the heart ofour subject. We need to trick our bod-
ies into reacting perfectly.
To ﬁnd it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry
about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body lan-
guage. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting
with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel com-
pletely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe
without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms
reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn
up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.
How to Trick Your Body into Doing
Everything Right
Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guar-
antees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call
it “Hello Old Friend.”
When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In
your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had
a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost
track ofyour friend. You tried so hard to ﬁnd your good buddy,
but there was no listing in the phone book. No information online.
None ofyour mutual friends had a clue.
Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the
two ofyou are reunited. You are so happy.
That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not
going to try to convince the new person that the two ofyou are
really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, “Great
to see you again!” or “How have you been all these years?” You
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merely say, “Hello,” “How do you do,” “I am pleased to meet
you.” But, inside, it’s a very different story.
You will amaze yourself. The delight ofrediscovery ﬁlls your
face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say
ifyou were a light, you’d beam on the other person. Ifyou were
a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make this new person feel
very special indeed.
In my seminars, I ﬁrst have people introduce themselves to
another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend
technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semiformal
gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another
stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraor-
dinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes
alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air
sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing
closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I
feel like I’m attending a terriﬁc bash that’s been going on for hours.
How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once29
Technique #6
Hello Old Friend
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old
friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone
else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicis-
situdes oflife tore you two asunder. But, holy mack-
erel,now the party (the meeting, the convention) has
reunited you with your long-lost old friend!
The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain
reaction in your body from the subconscious softening
ofyour eyebrows to the positioning ofyour toes—and
everything between.
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Not a Word Need Be Spoken
The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. When-
ever you’re traveling in countries where you don’t speak the native
tongue, be sure to use it. Ifyou ﬁnd yourselfwith a group ofpeo-
ple who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imag-
ine them to be a group ofyour old friends. Everything is ﬁne
except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of
the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still
responds with congeniality and acceptance.
I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in
Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there
tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest Ameri-
can they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!
A Self-Fulﬁlling Prophecy
An added beneﬁt to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a
self-fulﬁlling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone,
you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called,
appropriately, “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors
Making the Beliefs Come True” proved it.10Researchers told vol-
unteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them.
When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up
genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also
surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and
affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What
it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets
respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have
many new “old friends” who wind up genuinely liking you.
You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you
meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over
yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intel-
ligent, and sure ofyourself. Each ofthe next three techniques
accomplishes one ofthose goals.
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My friend Helen is a highly respected headhunter. She makes ter-
riﬁc hires for her clients and I once asked her the secret ofher suc-
cess. Helen replied, “Probably because I can almost always tell
when an applicant is lying.”
“How can you tell?”
She said, “Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young
woman for a position as marketing director for a small ﬁrm.
Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her
left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably rest-
ing in her lap and she was looking directly at me.
“I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she
told me. I asked ifshe enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at
me, she said, ‘yes.’ Then I asked her why she left her previous job.
“At that point, her eyes ﬂeetingly darted away before regain-
ing eye contact with me.” Helen continued. “Then, while answer-
ing my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg
over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.”
Helen said, “That’s all I needed. With her words she was
telling me she felt her ‘growth opportunities were limited at her
previous ﬁrm.’ But her body told me she was not being entirely
forthright.”
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How to Talk to Anyone
Helen went on to explain the young woman’s ﬁdgeting alone
wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said,
that she wanted to pursue the subject further.
“So I tested it.” Helen explained. “I changed the subject and
went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals
for the future. Again, the girl stopped ﬁdgeting. She folded her
hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work
in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with
more than one project.
“Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again ifit was
only the lack ofgrowth opportunity that made her leave her pre-
vious position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her
seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking
about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.”
Helen continued to probe until she ﬁnally uncovered the
truth. The applicant had been ﬁred because ofa nasty disagree-
ment with the marketing director for whom she worked.
Human resources professionals who interview applicants and
police ofﬁcers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to
detect lies. They know speciﬁcally what signals to look for. The
rest ofus, although not knowledgeable about speciﬁc clues to
deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth.
Just recently a colleague ofmine was considering hiring an in-
house booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me,
“I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.”
“You think he’s lying to you?” I asked.
“Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked
right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just
something that didn’t seem right.”
Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about
someone but they can’t put their ﬁnger on it. Because ofthat,
many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a
mechanical apparatus designed to detect ifsomeone is lying.
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Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre-
employment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most
police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. Interest-
ingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can
do is detect ﬂuctuations in our autonomic nervous system—
changes in breathing patterns, sweating, ﬂushing, heart rate, blood
pressure, and other signs ofemotional arousal.
So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when
the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and
bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual
might ﬁdget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the
polygraph.
Beware ofthe Appearance ofLying—
Even When You’re Telling the Truth
Problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emo-
tional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking. A
young man telling an attractive woman about his business success
might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s
track record to an important client could rub her neck.
More problems arise out ofthe atmosphere. A businessman
who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the
room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink
excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these
ﬁdgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn’t
right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying.
Professional communicators, alert to this hazard, consciously
squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They ﬁx a
constant gaze on the listener. They never put their hands on their
faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles or rub their
nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or
blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration
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beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer
because they know ﬁdgeting undermines credibility. Consider the
infamous September 25, 1960, televised presidential debate
between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack ofmakeup, his ﬁdgeting,
and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election.
Ifyou want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody,
try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communica-
tion counts. I call the technique “Limit the Fidget.”
Now let’s tackle intelligence. “What?” you ask. “Can people
come across as more intelligent than they really are?” Well, did
you ever hear ofHans, the counting horse? Hans was considered
the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique
I’m about to suggest.
34
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #7
Limit the Fidget
Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose
itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not
ﬁdget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above
all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand
motions near your face and all ﬁdgeting can give your
listener the gut feeling you’re ﬁbbing.
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Hans, a very clever horse, inspires this next technique. Hans was
owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to
do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious
was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout
Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the
counting horse.
Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon
the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even
mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phe-
nomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could
count out the size ofhis audience, tap the number wearing glasses,
or respond to any counting question they asked him.
Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man
from animal—language. Hans “learned” the alphabet. By tapping
out hoofbeats for each letter, he answered any question about any-
thing humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He
could even answer common questions about history, geography,
and human biology.
Hans made headlines and was the main topic ofdiscussion at
dinner parties throughout Europe. The “human horse” quickly
attracted the attention ofscientists, psychology professors, veteri-
35
How to Read People
Like You Have ESP
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36
How to Talk to Anyone
narians, even cavalry ofﬁcers. Naturally they were skeptical, so
they established an ofﬁcial commission to decide whether the horse
was a case ofclever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their sus-
picions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Com-
pared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody.
Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individu-
als you just know they are smarter than other people—that they
are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin subjects
or using two-dollar words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. Peo-
ple say, “She’s smart as a whip,” “He doesn’t miss a trick,” “She
picks up on everything,” “He’s got the right stuff,” “She’s got horse
sense.” Which brings us back to Hans.
The day ofthe big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it
must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. It
was standing room only in the auditorium ﬁlled with scientists,
reporters, clairvoyants, psychics, and horse lovers who eagerly
awaited the answer. The canny commission members were con-
ﬁdent this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery
because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going
to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all
alone.
When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must
leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans
was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious
audience.
The conﬁdent commission leader asked Hans the ﬁrst math-
ematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He
got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed.
He got them all right!
The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced.
However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted
on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the
authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry
ofﬁcers, and reporters from around the world.
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Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did
the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number
two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition prob-
lem. This time, however, instead ofasking the question out loud
for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear,
and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected
Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha!
The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you
guess what that was?
Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the
answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess?
People gave offvery subtle body-language signals the moment
Hans’s hoofgave the right number oftaps. When Hans started
tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show sub-
tle signs oftension. Then, when Hans reached the right number,
they responded by an expulsion ofbreath or slight relaxation of
muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point
and therefore appear to give the right answer.
Hans was using the technique I call “Hans’s Horse Sense.” He
watched his audiences’ reactions very carefully and planned his
responses accordingly.
Ifa Horse Can Do It, So Can You
Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone
asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk.
Because there’s no sound now, you watch the TV action more care-
fully. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting,
and scores ofother expressions. You don’t miss a bit ofthe story
because, just from their expressions, you can tell what they’re think-
ing. Hans’s Horse Sense is just that—watching people, seeing how
they’re reacting, and then making your moves accordingly. Even
while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how
they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick.
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Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They
like what they’re hearing.
Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuck-
les clenched? Maybe they don’t.
Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are
their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away.
You don’t need a complete course in body language here.
Already your life’s experience has given you a good grounding in
that. Most people know iftheir conversation partners step back or
look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they
think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel
superior to you, they steeple their hands.
We’ll explore more body-language speciﬁcs in Technique #77:
Eyeball Selling. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the
silent channel being broadcast by the speaker.
You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a
conﬁdent, credible, and charismatic person who makes everyone
he or she comes in contact with feel like a million. Let’s explore
one last technique in this section to put it all together and make
sure you don’t miss a beat.
38
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #8
Hans’s Horse Sense
Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking.
Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your
listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan
your moves accordingly.
Ifa horse can do it, so can a human. People will say
you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick.
You’ve got horse sense.
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You’ve seen professional skiing on television? The athlete at the top
ofthe piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun
to propel him to ultimate victory. Look deeply into his eyes and
you’ll see he is having an out-of-body experience. In his mind’s
eye, the skier is swooshing down the slope, zapping back and forth
between the poles, and sliding across the ﬁnish line in faster time
than the world thought possible. The athlete is visualizing.
All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers,
lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic
before performing it. They see their own bodies bending, twist-
ing, ﬂipping, or ﬂying through the air. They hear the sound ofthe
wind, the splash in the water, the whirr ofthe javelin, the thud of
its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust.
Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole
movie, which, ofcourse, ends in their own victory.
Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top-
level competitive athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps
weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running,
whatever their favorite activity. Experts agree ifyou see the pic-
tures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements ofyour body in
your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.
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How to Make
Sure You Don’t Miss
a Single Beat
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“Twenty-Six Miles on My Mattress”
Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! My friend Richard
runs marathons. Once, several years ago, a scant three weeks
before the big New York marathon, an out-of-control car crashed
into Richard’s and he was taken to the hospital. He was not badly
injured. Nevertheless, his friends felt sorry for him because being
laid up two weeks in bed would, naturally, knock him out ofthe
big event.
What a surprise when, on that crisp November marathon
morning in Central Park, Richard showed up in his little shorts
and big running shoes.
“Richard, are you crazy? You’re in no shape to run. You’ve
been in bed these past few weeks!” we all cried out.
“My body may have been in bed,” he replied, “but I’ve been
running.”
“What?” we asked in unison.
“Yep. Every day. Twenty-six miles, 385 yards, right there on
my mattress.” Richard explained that in his imagination he saw
himselftraversing every step ofthe course. He saw the sights,
heard the sounds, and felt the twitching movements in his mus-
cles. He visualized himselfracing in the marathon.
Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the
miracle is he ﬁnished the marathon, without injury, without exces-
sive fatigue thanks to his visualization. It works in just about any
endeavor you apply it to—including being a terriﬁc communicator.
Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only
when you have a calm state ofmind can you get clear, vivid
images. Do your visualization in the quiet ofyour home or car
before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meet-
ing. See it all in your mind’s eye ahead oftime.
You now have the skills necessary to get you started on the
right foot with any new person in your life. Think ofyourselfin
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these ﬁrst moments like a rocket taking off. When the folks at
Cape Kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the
millionth ofa degree at the beginning, when the craft is still on
the ground, means missing the moon by thousands ofmiles. Like-
wise, a tiny body-language blooper at the outset ofa relationship
may mean you will never make a hit with that person. But with
The Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Epoxy Eyes, Hang by Your
Teeth, The Big-Baby Pivot, Hello Old Friend, Limit the Fidget,
Hans’s Horse Sense, and Watch the Scene Before You Make the
Scene, you’ll be right on course to get whatever you eventually
want from anybody—be it business, friendship, or love.
We now move from the silent world to the spoken word.
How to Make Sure You Don’t Miss a Single Beat41
Technique #9
Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene
Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be
ahead oftime. SEE yourselfwalking around with Hang
by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the
Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR your-
selfchatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the
pleasure ofknowing you are in peak form and everyone
is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourselfa Super
Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.
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43
PARTTWO
How to Know What
to Say After You
Say “Hi”
Just as the ﬁrst glimpse should please their eyes, your ﬁrst words
should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed
with either “Welcome” or “Go Away!” To make your conversation
partner feel welcome, you must master small talk.
Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words
drive a stake into the hearts ofsome otherwise fearless and
undaunted souls. Invite them to a party where they don’t know
anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into their veins.
Ifthis sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the
brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk.
When consulting for Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded.
Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their
boards ofdirectors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they
felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than
prodigious.
Small-talk haters take further consolation from the fact that
you are in star-studded company. Fear ofsmall talk and stage
fright are the same thing. The butterﬂies you feel in your stom-
ach when you’re in a roomful ofstrangers ﬂutter ’round the tum-
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mies oftop performers. Pablo Casals complained oflifelong stage
fright. Carly Simon curtailed live performances because ofit. A
friend ofmine who worked with Neil Diamond said he insisted
the words to “Song Sung Blue,” a tune he’d been crooning for forty
years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze him into
forgetfulness.
Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable?
Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable
with drugs. They’re already experimenting with Prozac to change
people’s personalities. But some fear disastrous side effects. The
good news is that when human beings think, and genuinely feel,
certain emotions—like conﬁdence that they have speciﬁc tech-
niques to fall back on—the brain manufactures its own antidotes.
Iffear and distaste ofsmall talk is the disease, knowing solid tech-
niques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure.
Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize it’s not chance
or even upbringing that one person has a belly ofbutterﬂies and
another doesn’t. In our brains, neurons communicate through
chemicals called neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive
levels ofa neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, a chemical
cousin ofadrenaline. For some children, just walking into a kinder-
garten room makes them want to run and hide under a table.
As a tot, I spent a lot oftime under the table. As a preteen in
an all-girls boarding school, my legs turned to linguine every time
I had to converse with a male. In eighth grade, I once had to invite
a boy to our school prom. The entire selection ofdancing males
lived in the dormitory ofour brother school. And I only knew one
resident, Eugene. I had met Eugene at summer camp the year
before. Mustering all my courage, I decided to call him.
Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset ofsweaty palms.
I put the call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. I put
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the call off. Finally, three days before the big bash, breathing
became difﬁcult. Time was running out.
The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier ifI read
from a script. I wrote out the following: “Hi, this is Leil. We met
at camp last summer. Remember?” (I programmed in a pause
where I hoped he would say “yes.”) “Well, National Cathedral
School’s prom is this Saturday night and I’d like you to be my
date.” (I programmed in another pause where I prayed he’d say
“yes.”)
On Thursday before the dance, I could no longer delay the
inevitable. I picked up the receiver and dialed. Clutching the
phone waiting for Eugene to answer, my eyes followed perspira-
tion droplets rolling down my arm and dripping offmy elbow. A
small salty puddle was forming around my feet. “Hello?” a sexy,
deep male voice answered the dorm phone.
In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice
telemarketer, I shot out, “Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camp—last-
summer-remember?” Forgetting to pause for his assent, I raced on,
“Well-National-Cathedral-School’s-prom-is-this-Saturday-night-
and-I’d-like-you-to-be-my-date.”
To my reliefand delight, I heard a big, cheerful “Oh that’s
great, I’d love to!” I exhaled my ﬁrst normal breath all day. He con-
tinued, “I’ll pick you up at the girl’s dorm at 7:30. I’ll have a pink
carnation for you. Will that go with your dress? And my name is
Donnie.”
Donnie? Donnie! Who said anything about Donnie?
Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade.
Donnie had buckteeth, a head full oftousled red hair, and com-
munications skills that immediately put me at ease.
On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation
in hand and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how
he was dying to go to the prom so, knowing it was a case ofmis-
taken identity, he accepted anyway. He told me he was thrilled
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when “the girl with the lovely voice” called, and he took full
responsibility for “tricking” me into an invitation. Donnie made
me comfortable and conﬁdent as we chatted. First we made small
talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in.
I ﬂipped over Donnie, and he became my very ﬁrst boyfriend.
Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now
going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small
talk like a hot knife through butter. When you master them, you
will be able—like Donnie—to melt the heart ofeveryone you
touch.
The goal of
How to Talk to Anyone
is not, ofcourse, to make
you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a
dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. However,
small talk is the ﬁrst crucial step toward that goal.
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You’ve been there. You’re introduced to someone at a party or busi-
ness meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly
your entire body ofknowledge dries up and thought processes
come to a screeching halt. You ﬁsh for a topic to ﬁll the awkward
silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction ofthe
cheese tray.
We want the ﬁrst words falling from our lips to be sparkling,
witty, and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately rec-
ognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where every-
body was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me
berserk because most ofthese same everybodies felt they had to
prove it in their ﬁrst ten words or less!
Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of
extremely bright individuals who score in the country’s top 2 per-
cent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their
annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the
lobby ofthe hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags
through the hoard ofhappy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The
doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party
goers. As we began the journey up to our respective ﬂoors, the ele-
vator gave several sleepy jerks.
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Small Talk
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“Hmm,” I remarked, in response to the elevator’s sluggish-
ness, “the elevator seems a little ﬂaky.” Suddenly, each elevator
occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ,
pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. “It’s obviously got
poor rail-guide alignment,” announced one. “The relay contact is
not made up,” declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshop-
per trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldn’t wait to escape the attack
ofthe mental giants.
Afterward, in the solitude ofmy room, I thought back and
reﬂected that the Mensans’ answers were, indeed, interesting. Why
then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much,
too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my
sluggish state.
You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about music,
about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about
making comforting noises together like cats purring, children
humming, or groups chanting. You must ﬁrst match your listener’s
mood.
Like repeating the note on the music teacher’s harmonica, top
communicators pick up on their listener’s tone ofvoice and dupli-
cate it. Instead ofjumping in with such intensity, the Mensans
could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying,
“Yes, it is slow, isn’t it?” Had they then prefaced their information
with, “Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow?” I
would have responded with a sincere “Yes, I have.” After a moment
ofequalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explana-
tions about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was.
And friendships might have started.
I’m sure you’ve suffered the aggression ofa mood mismatch.
Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed
colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse:
you’re late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and
starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how
interesting the tale, you don’t want to hear it now.
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The ﬁrst step in starting a conversation without strangling it
is to match your listener’s mood, ifonly for a sentence or two.
When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your lis-
tener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it “Make a Mood
Match.”
Matching Their Mood Can Make
or Break the Sale
Matching customers’ moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years
ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella.
It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was cele-
brating three events. One, it was Stella’s birthday. Two, she was
newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job.
She had been my buddy since grade school, and I was ﬂoating on
air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.
I had heard one ofthe best French restaurants in town had an
attractive back room for parties. About 5 p.m.one afternoon, I
wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maître d’
languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly bab-
bling about Stella’s triple-whammy celebration and asked to see
that fabulous back room I’d heard so much about. Without a smile
or moving a muscle, he said, “Zee room ees een zee back. You can
go zee eet eefyou like.”
CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all
the party spirit out ofme, and I no longer wanted to rent his stu-
pid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I
left his restaurant vowing to ﬁnd a place where the management
would at least appear to share the joy ofthe happy occasion.
Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering
infant, Mama doesn’t just shake her ﬁnger and shout, “Quiet
down.” No, Mama picks baby up. Mama cries, “Ooh, ooh, oh,”
sympathetically matching baby’s misery for a few moments. Mama
then gradually transitions the two ofthem into hush-hush happy
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sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood ifyou
want them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come ’round
to your way ofthinking.
50
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #10
Make a Mood Match
Before opening your mouth, take a “voice sample” of
your listener to detect his or her state ofmind. Take a
“psychic photograph” ofthe expression to see ifyour
listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. Ifyou ever
want to bring people around to your thoughts, you
must match their mood and voice tone, ifonly for a
moment.
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Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club
ofavid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and obvi-
ously enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this fas-
cinating speaker. I joined his throng ofadmirers and eavesdropped
for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was
saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah,
but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion,
and therefore, he held the group spellbound. It convinced me that
it’s not all what you say, it’s how you say it.
“What’s a Good Opening Line When
I Meet People?”
I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer
a woman who once worked in my ofﬁce always gave me. Dottie
often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I
was leaving for the sandwich shop, I’d ask her, “Hey Dottie, what
can I bring you back for lunch?”
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Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, “Oh anything is ﬁne
with me.”
“No, Dottie!” I wanted to scream. “Tell me what you want.
Ham ’n’ cheese on rye? Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo?
Peanut butter ’n’ jelly with sliced bananas? Be speciﬁc. ‘Anything’
is a hassle.”
Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line
question is “Anything!” because almost anything you say really is
OK—as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate.
How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are
OK and that the two ofyou are similar. When you do that, you
break down walls offear, suspicion, and mistrust.
Why Banal Makes a Bond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and
brilliant linguistic analyst ofJapanese origin. He tells us this story
that shows the value of, as he says, “unoriginal remarks.”11
In early 1943—after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when
there were rumors ofJapanese spies—Hayakawa had to wait sev-
eral hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed
others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously.
Because ofthe war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He
later wrote, “One couple with a small child was staring with spe-
cial uneasiness and whispering to each other.”
So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to
set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the
train should be late on so cold a night. The man agreed.
“I went on,” Hayakawa wrote, “to remark that it must be espe-
cially difﬁcult to travel with a small child in winter when train
schedules were so uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then
asked the child’s age and remarked that their child looked very big
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and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight
smile. The tension was relaxing.”
After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa,
“I hope you don’t mind my bringing it up, but you’re Japanese, aren’t
you? Do you think the Japs have any chance ofwinning this war?”
“Well,” Hayakawa replied, “your guess is as good as mine. I
don’t know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I ﬁg-
ure it, I don’t see how the Japanese, with their lack ofcoal and
steel and oil . . . can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation
like the United States.”
Hayakawa went on, “My remark was admittedly neither orig-
inal nor well informed. Hundreds ofradio commentators . . . were
saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because
they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side
so that it was easy to agree with.”
The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like
genuine relief. His next remark was, “Say, I hope your folks aren’t
over there while the war is going on.”
“Yes, they are,” Hayakawa replied. “My father and mother and
two young sisters are over there.”
“Do you ever hear from them?” the man asked.
“How can I?” Hayakawa answered.
Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.
“Do you mean you won’t be able to see them or hear from them
until after the war is over?”
There was more to the conversation but the result was, within
ten minutes they had invited Hayakawa—whom they initially may
have suspected was a Japanese spy—to visit them sometime in
their city and have dinner in their home. And all because ofthis
brilliant scholar’s admittedly common and unoriginal small talk.
Top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate ﬁrst
words should be, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal.
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But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sin-
cerity and passion.
Ascent from Banality
It is not necessary, ofcourse, to stay with mundane remarks. If
you ﬁnd your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that.
The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Don’t rush
it or, like the Mensans, you seem like you’re showing off. The bot-
tom line on your ﬁrst words is to have the courage ofyour own
triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more
than your text.
“Anything, Except Liverwurst!”
Back to Dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk. Sometimes
as I walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to
bring her, she’d call after me, “Anything, except liverwurst, that
is.” Thanks, Dottie, that’s a little bit ofhelp.
Here’s my “anything, except liverwurst” on small talk. Any-
thing you say is ﬁne as long as it is not complaining, rude, or
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #11
Prosaic with Passion
Worried about your ﬁrst words? Fear not, because 80
percent ofyour listener’s impression has nothing to do
with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at
ﬁrst is ﬁne. No matter how prosaic the text, an
empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate
delivery make you sound exciting.
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unpleasant. Ifthe ﬁrst words out ofyour mouth are a complaint—
BLAM—people label you a complainer. Why? Because that com-
plaint is your new acquaintance’s 100 percent sampling ofyou so
far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they
know? Ifyour ﬁrst comment is a complaint, you’re a griper. Ifyour
ﬁrst words are rude, you’re a creep. Ifyour ﬁrst words are unpleas-
ant, you’re a stinker. Open and shut.
Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where
they’re from, how they know the host ofthe party, where they
bought the lovely suit they’re wearing—or hundreds ofetceteras.
The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the
other person talking.
Still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers? Let’s
take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating.
I’ll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties—
then nine more to make small talk not so small.
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Singles proﬁcient at meeting potential sweethearts without the
beneﬁt ofintroduction (in the vernacular, making a “pickup”),
have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally
well for social or corporate networking purposes. The technique
requires no exceptional skill on your part, only the courage to
sport a simple visual prop called a “Whatzit.”
What’s a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry
that is unusual—a unique pin, an interesting purse, a strange tie,
or an amusing hat. A Whatzit is any object that draws people’s
attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, “Uh, what’s
that?” Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality
and the occasion permit.
I wear around my neck an outmoded pair ofglasses that resem-
bles a double monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a
gathering and asked, “Whatzit?” I explain it’s a lorgnette left to me
by my grandmother, which, ofcourse, paves the way to discuss
hatred ofglasses, aging eyes, love or loss ofgrandmothers, adora-
tion ofantique jewelry—anywhere the inquisitor wants to take it.
Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-to-
be-legendary technique. At a gathering, have you ever noticed
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someone you would like to talk to? Then you’ve racked your brain
to conjure an excuse to make the approach. What a bounty it was
to discover that he or she was wearing some weird, wild, or won-
derful something you could comment on.
The Whatzit Way to Love
Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or
new romance. My friend Alexander carries Greek worry beads
with him wherever he goes. He’s not worried. He knows any
woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say, “What’s
that?”
Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party. An
attractive woman spots you across the room. She wants to talk to
you but she’s thinking, “Well, Mister, you’re attractive. But, golly,
what can I say to you? You just ain’t got no Whatzit.”
Be a Whatzit Seeker, Too
Likewise, become proﬁcient in scrutinizing the apparel ofthose
you wish to approach. Why not express interest in the handker-
chiefin the tycoon’s vest pocket, the brooch on the bosom ofthe
rich divorcée, or the school ring on the ﬁnger ofthe CEO whose
company you want to work for?
The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of
your widgets has a tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, “Excuse me, I
couldn’t help but notice your attractive lapel pin. Are you a golfer?
Me, too. What courses have you played?”
Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing
artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the
doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your
Whatzit is hanging out for all to see.
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The next quickie technique was originated by doggedly de-
termined politicians who don’t let one partygoer escape ifthey
think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns. I call it the
“Whoozat” technique.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #12
Always Wear a Whatzit
Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry
something unusual to give people who ﬁnd you the
delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse
to approach. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice
your . . . what IS that?”
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Say you have scrutinized the body ofthe important business con-
tact you want to meet. You’ve searched in vain from the tip ofhis
cowlick to the toes ofhis boots. He’s not sporting a single Whatzit.
Ifyou strike out on ﬁnding something to comment on, resort
to the Whoozat technique. Like a persistent politician, go to the
party giver and say, “That man/woman over there looks interest-
ing. Who is he/she?” Then ask for an introduction. Don’t be hes-
itant. The party giver will be pleased you ﬁnd one ofthe guests
interesting.
If, however, you are loath to pull the party giver away from
his or her other guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time,
don’t ask for a formal introduction. Simply pump the party giver
for just enough information to launch you. Find out about the
stranger’s jobs, interests, and hobbies.
Suppose the party giver says, “Oh, that’s Joe Smith. I’m not
sure what his job is, but I know he loves to ski.” Aha, you’ve just
been given the icebreaker you need. Now you make a beeline for
Joe Smith. “Hi, you’re Joe Smith, aren’t you? Susan was just telling
me what a great skier you are. Where do you ski?” You get the
idea.
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Now the third in our little trio ofmeeting-who-you-want
tricks.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #13
Whoozat
Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by non-
politicians) meeting-people device ever contrived.
Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or
pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn
into icebreakers.
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The woman you’ve decided you MUST meet is wearing no
Whatzit? Can’t ﬁnd the host for the Whoozat technique? To make
matters worse, she’s deep in conversation with a group ofher
friends. Seems quite hopeless that you will maneuver a meeting,
doesn’t it? You can’t just say, “Excuse me, I just thought I’d eaves-
drop in and say ‘Hello.’”
No obstacle blocks the resolute politician, who always has a
trick or ten up his or her sleeve. A politico would resort to the
“Eavesdrop In” technique. Eavesdropping, ofcourse, conjures
images ofclandestine activities—wiretapping, Watergate break-
ins, or spies skulking around in the murky shadows. Eavesdrop-
ping has historical precedent with politicians so, in a pinch, it
naturally comes to mind.
At parties, stand near the group ofpeople you wish to inﬁl-
trate. Then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break
into the group. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing that you
. . .” and then whatever is relevant here. For example “I couldn’t
help overhearing your discussion ofBermuda. I’m going there next
month for the ﬁrst time. Any suggestions?”
Now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to
your intended.
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Let us now hop back on the train that ﬁrst explored Small Talk
City and travel to the land ofMeaningful Communicating.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #14
Eavesdrop In
No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just
sidle up behind the swarm offolks you want to inﬁl-
trate and open your ears. Wait for any ﬂimsy excuse
and jump in with “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but
overhear. . . .”
Will they be taken aback? Momentarily.
Will they get over it? Momentarily.
Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!
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You wouldn’t dream ofgoing to a party naked. And I hope you
wouldn’t dream ofletting your conversation be exposed naked and
defenseless against the two inevitable assaults “Where are you
from?” and “What do you do?”
When asked these questions, most people, like clunking a fro-
zen steak on a china platter, drop a brick offrozen geography or
bafﬂing job title on the asker’s conversational platter. Then they
slap on the muzzle.
You’re at a convention. Everyone you meet will, ofcourse, ask
“And where are you from?” When you give them the short-form
naked-city answer “Oh, I’m from Muscatine, Iowa” (or Milli-
nocket, Maine; Winnemucca, Nevada; or anywhere they haven’t
heard of), what can you expect except a blank stare? Even ifyou’re
a relatively big city slicker from Denver, Colorado; Detroit, Michi-
gan; or San Diego, California, you’ll receive a panicked look from
all but American history professors. They’re rapidly racking their
brains thinking “What do I say next?” Even the names ofworld-
class burgs like New York, Chicago, Washington, and Los Ange-
les inspire less-than-riveting responses. When I tell people I’m
from New York City, what are they expected to say? “Duh, seen
any good muggings lately?”
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Do humanity and yourselfa favor. Never, ever, give just a one-
sentence response to the question, “Where are you from?” Give the
asker some fuel for his tank, some fodder for his trough. Give the hun-
gry communicator something to conversationally nibble on. All it
takes is an extra sentence or two about your city—some interesting
fact, some witty observation—to hook the asker into the conversation.
Several months ago, a trade association invited me to be its
keynote speaker on networking and teaching people to be better
conversationalists. Just before my speech, I was introduced to Mrs.
Devlin, who was the head ofthe association.
“How do you do?” she asked.
“How do you do?” I replied.
Then Mrs. Devlin smiled, anxiously awaiting a sample ofmy
stimulating conversational expertise. I asked her where she was
from. She plunked a frozen “Columbus, Ohio” and a big expectant
grin on my platter. I had to quickly thaw her answer into digestible
conversation. My mind thrashed into action. Leil’s thought pat-
tern: “Gulp, Columbus, Ohio. I’ve never been there, hmm. Crim-
iny, what do I know about Columbus? I know a fellow named Jeff,
a successful speaker who lives there. But Columbus is too big to
ask ifshe knows him . . . and besides only kids play the ‘Do-you-
know-so-and-so’ game.” My panicked silent search continued. “I
think it’s named after Christopher Columbus . . . but I’m not sure,
so I better keep my mouth shut on that one.” Four or ﬁve other
possibilities raced through my mind but I rejected them all as too
obvious, too adolescent, or too off-the-wall.
I realized by now that seconds had passed, and Mrs. Devlin
was still standing there with a slowly dissipating smile on her face.
She was waiting for me (the “expert” who, within the hour, was
expected to teach her trade association lessons on scintillating con-
versation) to spew forth words ofwit or wisdom.
“Oh, Columbus, gee,” I mumbled in desperation, watching
her face fall into the worried expression ofa patient being asked
by the surgeon, knife poised in hand, “Where’s your appendix?”
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I never came up with stimulating conversation on Columbus.
But, just then, under the knife, I created the following technique
for posterity. I call it “Never the Naked City.”
Different Bait for Shrimp or Sharks
A ﬁsherman uses different bait to bag bass or blueﬁsh. And you
will obviously throw out different conversational bait to snag sim-
ple shrimp or sophisticated sharks. Your hook should relate to the
type ofperson you’re speaking with. I’m originally from Wash-
ington, D.C. Ifsomeone at, say, an art gallery asked me where I
was from, I might answer “Washington, D.C.—designed, you
know, by the same city planner who designed Paris.” This opens
the conversational possibilities to the artistry ofcity planning,
Paris, other cities’ plans, European travel, and so forth.
At a social party ofsingles I’d opt for another answer. “I’m
from Washington, D.C. The reason I left is there were seven
women to every man when I was growing up.” Now the conver-
sation can turn to the ecstasy or agony ofbeing single, the per-
ceived lack ofdesirable men everywhere, or even ﬂirtatious
possibilities.
How to Make “Where Are You From?” Sound Exciting65
Technique #15
Never the Naked City
Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, “And where
are you from?” never, ever, unfairly challenge their
powers ofimagination with a one-word answer.
Learn some engaging facts about your hometown
that conversational partners can comment on. Then,
when they say something clever in response to your
bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.
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In a political group, I’d cast a current fact from the constantly
evolving political face ofWashington. No need to speculate on the
multitude ofconversational possibilities that unlocks.
Where do you get your conversational bait? Start by phoning
the chamber ofcommerce or historical society ofyour town.
Search the World Wide Web and click on your town, or open an
old-fashioned encyclopedia—all rich sources for future stimulat-
ing conversations. Learn some history, geography, business statis-
tics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends’ funny
bones.
The Devlin debacle inspired further research. The minute I
got home, I called the Columbus chamber ofcommerce and the
historical society. Say you, too, are from Columbus, Ohio, and
your new acquaintance lays it on you: “Where are you from?”
When you are talking with a businessperson, your answer could
be, “I’m from Columbus, Ohio. You know many major corpora-
tions do their product testing in Columbus because it’s so com-
mercially typical. In fact, it’s been called ‘the most American city
in America.’ They say ifit booms or bombs in Columbus, it
booms or bombs nationally.”
Talking with someone with a German last name? Tell her
about Columbus’s historic German Village with the brick streets
and the wonderful 1850s-style little houses. It’s bound to inspire
stories ofthe old country. Your conversation partner’s surname is
Italian? Tell him Genoa, Italy, is Columbus’s sister city.
Talking with an American history buff? Tell him that Colum-
bus was, indeed, named after Christopher Columbus and that a
replica ofthe
Santa Maria
is anchored in the Scioto River. Talk-
ing with a student? Tell her about the ﬁve universities in Columbus.
The possibilities continue. You suspect your conversation part-
ner has an artistic bent? “Ah,” you throw out casually, “Columbus
is the home ofartist George Bellows.”
Columbusites, prepare some tasty snacks for askers even if
youknow nothing about them. Here’s a goodie. Tell them you
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always have to say “Columbus, Ohio” because there is also a Co-
lumbus, Arkansas; Columbus, Georgia; Columbus, Indiana;
Columbus, Kansas; Columbus, Kentucky; Columbus, Mississippi;
Columbus, Montana; Columbus, Nebraska; Columbus, New Jer-
sey; Columbus, New Mexico; Columbus, North Carolina; Colum-
bus, North Dakota; Columbus, Pennsylvania; Columbus, Texas;
and Columbus, Wisconsin. That spreads the conversational possi-
bilities to ﬁfteen other states. Remember, as a quotable notable once
said, “No man would listen to you talk ifhe didn’t know it was his
turn next.”
A postscript to the hellish experience I had with Columbus.
Months later, I mentioned the trauma to my speaker friend from
Columbus, Jeff. Jeffexplained his house was really in a smaller
town just minutes outside Columbus.
“What town, Jeff?”
“Gahanna, Ohio. Gahanna means ‘hell’ in Hebrew,” he said,
and then went on to explain why he thought ancient Hebrew his-
torians were clairvoyant.
Thanks, Jeff, I knew you’d never lay a naked city on any of
your listeners.
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Third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance
will soon chirp, “And what do you do?” (Is it ﬁtting and proper
they should make that query? We’ll pick up that sticky wicket
later.) For the moment, these few defensive moves help you keep
your crackerjack communicator credentials when asked the
inevitable question.
First, like Never the Naked City, don’t toss a short-shrift
answer in response to the asker’s breathless inquiry. You leave the
poor ﬁsh ﬂopping on the deck when you just say your title: “I’m
an actuary/an auditor/an author/an astrophysicist.” Have mercy
so he or she doesn’t feel like a nincompoop outsider asking, “What,
er, kind ofactuizing (auditing, authoring, or astrophysizing) do
you do?”
You’re an attorney. Don’t leave it to laymen to try to ﬁgure out
what you really do. Flesh it out. Tell a little story your conversa-
tion partner can get a handle on. For example, ifyou’re talking
with a young mother say, “I’m an attorney. Our ﬁrm specializes in
employment law. In fact, now I’m involved in a case where a com-
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pany actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave
that was a medical necessity.” A mother can relate to that.
Talking with a business owner? Say “I’m an attorney. Our ﬁrm
specializes in employment law. My current case concerns an
employer who is being sued by one ofher stafffor asking personal
questions during the initial job interview.” A business owner can
relate to that.
Painful Memories ofNaked Job Flashers
I still harbor painful recollections ofbeing tongue-tied when con-
fronted by naked job ﬂashers. Like the time a fellow at a dinner
party told me, “I’m a nuclear scientist.” My weak “Oh, that must
be fascinating” reduced me to a mental molecule in his eyes.
The chap on my other side announced, “I’m in industrial abra-
sives,” and then paused, waiting for me to be impressed. My “Well,
er, golly, you must have to be a shrewd judge ofcharacter to be in
How to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, “And What Do You Do?”69
Technique #16
Never the Naked Job
When asked the inevitable “And what do you do,” you
may think “I’m an economist/an educator/an engineer”
is giving enough information to engender good
conversation. However, to one who is not an economist,
educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying
“I’m a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.”
Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about
your job for new acquaintances to munch on.
Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring
the snacks back at the cheese tray.
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industrial abrasives” didn’t ﬂy either. We three sat in silence the
rest ofthe meal.
Just last month a new acquaintance bragged, “I’m planning to
teach Tibetan Buddhism at Truckee Meadows Community Col-
lege,” and then clammed up. I knew less about Truckee Meadows
than I did about Tibetan Buddhism. Whenever people ask you
what you do, give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they
can catch their breath and say something.
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It is important to help “newlymets” through their ﬁrst nervous
moments.
“Susan, I’d like you to meet John Smith. John, this is Susan
Jones.” Duh, what do you expect John and Susan to say?
“Smith? Umm, that’s S-M-I-T-H, isn’t it?”
“Uh, er, golly, Susan, well, now, there’s an interesting name.”
Nice-try-forget-it. Don’t blame John or Susan for being less
than scintillating. The fault lies with the person who introduced
the two the way most people introduce their friends to each
other—with naked names. They cast out a line with no bait for
people to sink their teeth into.
Big winners may not talk a lot, but conversation never dies
unwillingly in their midst. They make sure ofit with techniques
like “Never the Naked Introduction.” When they introduce peo-
ple, they buy an insurance policy on the conversation with a few
simple add-ons: “Susan, I’d like you to meet John. John has a won-
derful boat we took a trip on last summer. John, this is Susan
Smith. Susan is editor in chiefof
Shoestring Gourmet
magazine.”
Padding the introduction gives Susan the opportunity to ask
what kind ofboat John has or where the group went. It gives John
an opening to discuss his love ofwriting. Or ofcooking. Or of
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food. The conversation can then naturally expand to travel in gen-
eral, life on boats, past vacations, favorite recipes, restaurants, bud-
gets, diets, magazines, editorial policy—to inﬁnity.
Ifyou’re not comfortable mentioning someone’s job during
the introduction, mention their hobby or even a talent. The other
day at a gathering, the hostess introduced a man named Gilbert.
She said, “Leil, I’d like you to meet Gilbert. Gilbert’s gift is sculpt-
ing. He makes beautiful wax carvings.” I remember thinking,
“
Gift
—now that’s a lovely way to introduce someone and induce
conversation.”
Armed with these two personality enhancers, three conversa-
tion igniters, and three small extenders, it is time to take a step up
the communications ladder. Let us now rise from small talk and
seek the path to more meaningful dialogue. The next technique
is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your conversa-
tion partner.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #17
Never the Naked Introduction
When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited
hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving
the newlymets to ﬂutter their ﬁns and ﬁsh for a topic.
Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of
things. Then you’re free to stay or ﬂoat on to the next
networking opportunity.
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Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while
making love, “Is it good for you, too, Honey?” knows not to ask
a colleague, “Is the conversation good for you, too?” Yet he won-
ders . . . we all do. With the following technique, set your mind
at rest. You can deﬁnitely make the conversation hot for anyone
with whom you speak. Like my prom date, Donnie, you will
miraculously ﬁnd subjects to engross your listeners.
Be a Sleuth on Their Slips ofthe Tongue
No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is conﬁdent he’ll
soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass. Like
theunerring detective, big winners know, no matter how elusive
the clue, they’ll ﬁnd the right topic. How? They become word
detectives.
I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home.
Nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about
how crotchety and laconic some ofher patients are. She laments
she has difﬁculty relating to them.
Nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman
named Mrs. Otis, whom she could never get to open up to her.
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“One day,” Nancy conﬁded, “right after all those rainstorms we
had last week, just to make conversation, I remarked to Mrs. Otis,
‘Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?’ Well,” Nancy
continued, “Mrs. Otis practically jumped down my throat. She
said in a snippy voice, ‘It’s been good for the plants.’” I asked
Nancy how she responded to that.
“What could I say?” Nancy answered. “The woman was obvi-
ously cutting me off.”
“Did you ever think to ask Mrs. Otis ifshe liked plants?”
“Plants?” Nancy asked.
“Well, yes,” I suggested. “Mrs. Otis brought the subject up.”
I asked Nancy to do me a favor. “Ask her,” I begged. Nancy re-
sisted, but I persisted. Just to quiet me down, Nancy promised to
ask “cantankerous old Mrs. Otis” ifshe liked plants.
The next day, a ﬂabbergasted Nancy called me from work.
“Leil, how did you know? Not only did Mrs. Otis love plants, but
she told me she’d been married to a gardener. Today I had a dif-
ferent problem with Mrs. Otis. I couldn’t shut her up! She went
on and on about her garden, her husband. . . .”
Top communicators know ideas don’t come out ofnowhere.
IfMrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some
relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it
meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.
Suppose, for example, instead ofresponding to Nancy’s com-
ment about the rain with “It’s good for the plants,” Mrs. Otis had
said, “Because ofthe rain, my dog couldn’t go out.” Nancy could
then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, “It’s bad for my
arthritis.” Can you guess what old Mrs. Otis wants to talk about
now?
When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a
good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual
references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of
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another place, time, person. Ask about it because it’s the clue to
what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing.
Iftwo people have something in common, when the shared
interest comes up, they jump on it naturally. For example, ifsome-
one mentions playing squash (bird-watching or stamp collecting)
and the listener shares that passion, he or she pipes up, “Oh, you’re
a squasher (or birder or philatelist), too!”
Here’s the trick: there’s no need to be a squasher, birder, or
philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply “Be a Word
Detective.” When you pick up on the reference as though it excites
you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to.
(The subject may put your feet to sleep, but that’s another story.)
Now that you’ve ignited stimulating conversation, let’s explore
a technique to keep it hot.
How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation75
Technique #18
Be a Word Detective
Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation
partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred
topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring
on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip ofthe tongue.
Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject
that’s hot for the other person.
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Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with
a hodgepodge ofswellegant folks. Everyone we talked to seemed
to lead a nifty life. Discussing the party afterward, I asked my
friend, “Diane, ofall the exciting people at the party, who did you
enjoy talking to most?”
Without hesitation she said, “Oh by far, Dan Smith.”
“What does Dan do?” I asked her.
“Uh, well, I’m not sure,” she answered.
“Where does he live?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Diane responded.
“Well, what is he interested in?”
“Well, we really didn’t talk about his interests.”
“Diane,” I asked, “what did you talk about?”
“Well, I guess we talked mostly about me.”
“Aha,” I thought. Diane has just rubbed noses with a winner.
As it turns out, I had the pleasure ofmeeting Big-Winner Dan
several months later. Diane’s ignorance about his life piqued my
curiosity so I grilled him for details. As it turns out, Dan lives in
Paris, has a beach home in the south ofFrance, and a mountain
home in the Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and
light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins—and he is an avid hang
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glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or
what? Yet Dan, when meeting Diane, said nothing about himself.
I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how
little she learned about his life. Dan simply replied, “Well, when
I meet someone, I learn so much more ifI ask about their life. I
always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.” Truly con-
ﬁdent people often do this. They know they grow more by listen-
ing than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.
Sell Yourselfwith a Top Sales Technique
Several months ago at a speaker’s convention, I was talking with
a colleague Brian Tracy. Brian does a brilliant job oftraining top
salespeople. He tells his students ofa giant spotlight that, when
shining on their product, is not as interesting to the prospect.
When they shine the spotlight on the prospect, they make the sale.
Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep
your “Swiveling Spotlight” aimed away from you, only lightly on
your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much
better job ofselling yourselfand your product.
How to Enthrall ’Em with Your Choice ofTopic—Them!77
Technique #19
The Swiveling Spotlight
When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving
spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the
spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking,
it’s shining on him or her. Ifyou shine it brightly
enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you
have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you
keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he
or she ﬁnds you.
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Moments arise, ofcourse, when even conversationalists extraordi-
naire hit the wall. Some folks’ monosyllabic grunts leave slim pick-
ings even for masters ofthe Be a Word Detective technique.
Ifyou ﬁnd yourselffutilely fanning the embers ofa dying
conversation (and ifyou feel for political reasons or human com-
passion that the conversation should continue), here’s a foolproof
trick to get the ﬁre blazing again. I call it “Parroting” after that
beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone’s heart simply by
repeating other people’s words.
Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the
background tuned to a tennis game? You hear the ball going back
and forth over the net—klink-klunk, klink-klunk, klink . . . this
time you don’t hear the klunk. The ball didn’t hit the court. What
happened? You immediately look up at the set.
Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and
forth. First you speak, then your partner speaks, you speak . . . and
so it goes, back and forth. Each time, through a series ofnods and
comforting grunts like “um hum,” or “umm,” you let your con-
versation partner know the ball has landed in your court. It’s your
“I got it” signal. Such is the rhythm ofconversation.
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I Say Next?”
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How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I Say Next?”79
“What Do I Say Next?”
Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to
speak but your mind goes blank. Don’t panic. Instead ofsignal-
ing verbally or nonverbally that you “got it,” simply repeat—or
parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a
sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball
right back in your partner’s court.
My friend Phil sometimes picks me up at the airport. Usually
I am so exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat,
relegating Phil to nothing more than a chauffeur.
After one especially exhausting trip some years ago, I ﬂung
my bags in his trunk and ﬂopped onto the front seat. As I was
dozing off, he mentioned he’d gone to the theater the night before.
Usually I would have just grunted and wafted into unconscious-
ness. However, on this particular trip, I had learned the Par-
rotingtechnique and was eager to try it. “Theater?” I parroted
quizzically.
“Yes, it was a great show,” he replied, fully expecting it to be
the last word on the subject before I fell into my usual sleepy
stupor.
“Great show?” I parroted. Pleasantly surprised by my interest,
he said, “Yes, it’s a new show by Stephen Sondheim called
Sweeney
Todd
.”
“
Sweeney Todd
?” I again parroted. Now Phil was getting ﬁred
up. “Yeah, great music and an unbelievably bizarre story. . . .”
“Bizarre story?” I parroted. Well, that’s all Phil needed. For
the next halfan hour, Phil told me the show’s story about a Lon-
don barber who went around murdering people. I halfdozed, but
soon decided his tale ofSweeney Todd’s cutting offpeoples’ heads
was disturbing my sleepy reverie. So I simply backed up and par-
roted one ofhis previous phrases to get him on another track.
“You said it had great music?”
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That did the trick. For the rest ofthe forty-ﬁve-minute trip to
my home, Phil sang me “Pretty Women,” “The Best Pies in Lon-
don,” and other songs from
Sweeney Todd
—much better accom-
paniment for my demi-nap. I’m sure, to this day, Phil thinks of
that trip as one ofthe best conversations we ever had. And all I did
was parrot a few ofhis phrases.
Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real
objections when it’s so easy to shake them out ofthe trees with
Parroting?
Parroting Your Way to Proﬁts
Parroting is also a can opener to pry open people’s real feelings.
Star salespeople use it to get to their prospect’s emotional objec-
tions, which they often don’t even articulate to themselves. A
friend ofmine, Paul, a used-car salesman, told me he credits a
recent sale ofa Lamborghini to Parroting.
Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife,
who had expressed interest in a “sensible car.” He was showing
them every sensible Chevy and Ford on the lot. As they were look-
ing at one very sensible family car, Paul asked the husband what
he thought ofit. “Well,” he mused, “I’m not sure this car is right
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #20
Parroting
Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply
repeat the last few words your conversation partner
says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court,
and then all you need to do is listen.
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for me.” Instead ofmoving on to the next sensible car, Paul par-
roted “Right for you?” Paul’s questioning inﬂection signaled the
prospect that he needed to say more.
“Well, er, yeah,” the prospect mumbled. “I’m not sure it ﬁts
my personality.”
“Fits your personality?” Paul again parroted.
“You know, maybe I need something a little more sporty.”
“A little more sporty?” Paul parroted.
“Well, those cars over there look a little more sporty.”
Aha! Paul’s parrot had ferreted out which cars to show the cus-
tomer. As they walked over toward a Lamborghini on the lot, Paul
saw the prospect’s eyes light up. An hour later, Paul had pocketed
a fat commission.
Want to take a rest from talking to save your throat? This next
technique gets your conversation partner offand running so all
you have to do is listen (or even sneak offunnoticed as he or she
chats congenially away).
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Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime,
“Daddy, Daddy, tell me the story again ofthe three little pigs” (or
the dancing princesses or how you and Mommy met). Daddy
knows Junior enjoyed the story so much the ﬁrst time, he wants
to hear it again and again.
Junior inspires the following technique called “Encore!” which
serves two purposes. Encore! makes a colleague feel like a hap-
pydad, and it’s a great way to give dying conversation a heart
transplant.
I once worked on a ship that had Italian ofﬁcers and mostly
American passengers. Each week, the deck ofﬁcers were required
to attend the captain’s cocktail party. After the captain’s address
in charmingly broken English, the ofﬁcers invariably clumped
together yakking it up in Italian. Needless to say, most ofthe pas-
sengers’ grasp ofItalian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami, and
pizza.
As cruise director, it fell on my shoulders to get the ofﬁcers to
mingle with the passengers. My not-so-subtle tactic was to grab
one ofthe ofﬁcers’ arms and literally drag him over to a smiling
throng ofexpectant passengers. I would then introduce the ofﬁ-
cer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue, or a pas-
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Chatting (So You Can Slip
Away if You Want To!)
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How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away ifYou Want To!)83
senger would come up with a more original question than “Gee,
ifall you ofﬁcers are here, who is driving the boat?” Never hap-
pened. I dreaded the weekly captain’s cocktail party.
One night, sleeping in my cabin, I was awakened by the ship
rocking violently from side to side. I listened and the engines were
off. A bad sign. I grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck.
Through the dense fog, I could barely discern another ship not
halfa mile from us. Five or six ofﬁcers were grasping the starboard
guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see
a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling
up our violently rocking ladder. The ofﬁcers immediately whisked
him offto our ship’s hospital. The engines started again and we
were on our way.
The next morning I got the full story. A laborer on the other
ship, a freighter, had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder.
While he was working, a sharp, needle-thin piece ofmetal shot
like a missile into his right eye. The freighter had no doctor on
board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal.
International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress
signal must respond. Our ship came to the rescue and the seaman,
clutching his bleeding eye, was lowered into a lifeboat that brought
him to our ship. Dr. Rossi, our ship’s doctor, was successfully able
to remove the needle from the workman’s eye, thus saving his
eyesight.
“Tell ’Em About the Time You . . .”
Cut to the next captain’s cocktail party. Once again I was faced
with the familiar challenge ofgetting ofﬁcers to mingle and make
small talk with the passengers. I made my weekly trek to the
laconic ofﬁcers’ throng to drag one or two away and, this time, my
hand fell on the arm ofthe ship’s doctor. I hauled him over to the
nearest group ofgrinning passengers and introduced him. I then
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said, “Just last week Dr. Rossi saved the eyesight ofa seaman on
another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue. Dr. Rossi, I’m sure
these folks would love to hear about it.”
It was like a magic wand. To my amazement, it was as though
Dr. Rossi was blessed instantly with the tongues ofangels. His pre-
viously monosyllabic broken English became thickly accented elo-
quence. He recounted the entire story for the growing group of
passengers gathering around him. I left the throng that Dr. Rossi
enraptured to pull another ofﬁcer over to an awaiting audience.
I grabbed the captain’s stripe-covered arm, dragged him over
to another pack ofsmiling passengers and said, “Captain Caﬁero,
why don’t you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue
you made last week?” The cat released Caﬁero’s tongue and he was
offand running.
Back to the throng to get the ﬁrst ofﬁcer for the next group.
By now I knew I had a winner. “Signor Salvago, why don’t you tell
these folks how you awakened the captain at midnight last week
for the dramatic midnight rescue?”
By then it was time to go back to extract the ship’s doctor from
the ﬁrst bevy and take him to his next pack ofpassengers. It worked
even better the second time. He happily commenced his Encore!
for the second audience. As he chatted away, I raced back to the
captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng.
I felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on
sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back
to the ﬁrst speaker to give him a whirl at another audience.
The captain’s cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest
ofthe season. The three ofﬁcers loved telling the same story of
their heroism to new people every cruise. The only problem was
I noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time.
I had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat perfor-
mance for the next audience.
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Play It Again, Sam
“Encore!” is what appreciative audiences chant when they want
another song from the singer, another dance from the dancer,
another poem from the poet, and in my case, another storytelling
from the ofﬁcers. Encore! is the technique you can use to request
a repeat story from a prospect, potential employer, or valued
acquaintance. While the two ofyou are chatting with a group of
people, simply turn to him and say, “John, I bet everyone would
love to hear about the time you caught that thirty-pound striped
bass.” Or, “Susan, tell everyone that story you just told me ofhow
you rescued the kitten from the tree.” He or she will, ofcourse,
demure. Insist! Your conversation partner is secretly loving it. The
subtext ofyour request is “That story ofyours was so terriﬁc, I
want my other friends to hear it.” After all, only crowd pleasers
are asked to do an Encore!
How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away ifYou Want To!)85
Technique #21
Encore!
The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up
out ofthe applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it
again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner
can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a
group ofpeople is “Tell them about the time you . . .”
Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with
someone important to you, think ofsome stories he or
she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their
repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the
spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.
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The added beneﬁt ofthis technique is that, once you’ve got
them up and running with their conversation, you can sneak off
and ﬁnd more interesting company!
One word ofwarning: make sure the story you request is one
in which the teller shines. No one wants to retell the time they lost
the sale, cracked up the car, or broke up the bar and spent the
night in jail. Make sure your requested Encore! is a positive story
where they come out the big winner, not the buffoon.
The full beauty ofthis technique will hit you like a happy
thunderbolt the ﬁrst time you use it with someone who is telling
a long and wearisome tale. You simply tiptoe away and let the bore
spin the story on and on with your friend. (Ofcourse, your friend
may never speak to you again. But that’s not germaine to this
chapter!)
The next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of
your life.
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Often people think when they meet someone they like, they
should share a secret, reveal an intimacy, or make a confession of
sorts to show they are human too. Airing your youthful battle with
bed-wetting, teeth grinding, or thumb sucking—or your present
struggle with gout or a goiter—supposedly endears you to the
masses.
Well, sometimes it does. One study showed that ifsomeone
is above you in stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer
to you.12The holes in the bottom ofpresidential candidate Adlai
Stevenson’s shoes charmed a nation, as did George H. W. Bush’s
shocking admission that he couldn’t stomach broccoli.
Ifyou’re on sure footing, say a superstar who wants to become
friends with a fan, go ahead and tell your devotees about the time
you were out ofwork and penniless. But ifyou’re not a superstar,
better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later.
People don’t know you well enough to put your foible in context.
Later in a relationship, telling your new friend you’ve been
thrice married, you got caught shoplifting as a teenager, and you
got turned down for a big job may be no big deal. And that may
be the extent ofwhat could be construed as black marks on an
otherwise ﬂawless life ofsolid relationships, no misdemeanors, and
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How to Talk to Anyone
an impressive professional record. But very early in a relationship,
the instinctive reaction is “What else is coming? Ifhe shares that
with me so quickly, what else is he hiding? A closetful ofex-
spouses, a criminal record, walls papered with rejection letters?”
Your new acquaintance has no way ofknowing your confession
was a generous act, a well-intentioned revelation, on your part.
So far, in this section, you have found assertive methods for
meeting people and mastering small talk. The next is both an
assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we
tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about.
Technique #22
Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive
When ﬁrst meeting someone, lock your closet door and
save your skeletons for later. You and your new good
friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh,
and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But
now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate
the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.”
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You’ve heard folks whine, “I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a
thing to wear.” When was the last time you heard, “I can’t go to
the party, I haven’t got a thing to say?”
When going to a gathering with great networking possibili-
ties, you naturally plan your outﬁt and make sure your shoes will
match. And, ofcourse, you must have just the right tie or correct
color lipstick. You puffyour hair, pack your business cards, and
you’re off.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Didn’t you forget the most important
thing? What about the right conversation to enhance your image?
Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind—or
doesn’t—at the moment? You wouldn’t don the ﬁrst outﬁt your
groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldn’t leave
your conversing to the ﬁrst thought that comes to mind when fac-
ing a group ofexpectant, smiling faces. You will, ofcourse, fol-
low your instincts in conversation. But at least be prepared in case
inspiration doesn’t hit.
The best way to ensure you’re conversationally in the swing of
things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave. What’s hap-
pening right now in the world—all the ﬁres, ﬂoods, air disasters,
toppled governments, and stock market crashes—pulverizes into
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How to Talk to Anyone
great conversational fodder, no matter what crowd you’re circu-
lating in.
It is with some embarrassment that I must attribute the fol-
lowing technique to a businesswoman in the world’s oldest pro-
fession. For a magazine article I was writing, I interviewed one of
the savviest operators in her ﬁeld, Sidney Biddle Barrows, the
famed Mayﬂower Madam.
Sidney told me she had a house rule when she was in business.
All ofher female “independent contractors” were directed to keep
up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists
with their clients. This was not just Sidney’s whim. Feedback from
her employees had revealed that 60 percent ofher girls’ work hour
was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the cus-
tomers’ needs. Thus she instructed them to read the daily news-
paper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an
Technique #23
The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home
Without It
The last move to make before leaving for the party—
even after you’ve given yourselfﬁnal approval in the
mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your
newspaper. Anything that happened today is good
material. Knowing the big-deal news ofthe moment is
also a defensive move that rescues you from putting
your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s
talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in
public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face.
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appointment. Sidney told me when she initiated this rule, her busi-
ness increased signiﬁcantly. Reports came back from her clients
complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for
her. The consummate businesswoman, Ms. Barrows always strove
to exceed her customers’ expectations.
Ready for the big leagues ofconversation? Let’s go.
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PARTTHREE
How to Talk
Like a VIP
Welcome to the human jungle. When two tigers prowling through
the jungle chance upon one another in a clearing, they look at each
other. They freeze. Instinctively they calculate, “Ifour staring
came to hissing—came to scratching—came to clawing—who
would win? Which ofus has the stronger survival skills?”
Tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright
animals inhabiting the corporate jungle (or singles jungle or social
jungle). Humans start the process by looking at each other and
talking. In the business world, while smiling and uttering “How
do you do?” “Hello,” “Howdy,” or “Hi,” they are, like tigers,
instinctively, instantaneously, sizing each other up.
They’re not calculating the length ofeach other’s claws or the
sharpness oftheir teeth. They’re judging each other on a weapon
far more powerful to survival as they have deﬁned it. Humans are
judging each other’s communications skills. Although they may
not know the names ofthe speciﬁc studies ﬁrst proving it, they
sense the truth: 85 percent ofone’s success in life is directly due
to communications skills.13
They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s
recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good
communications skills and attitude way over education, experi-
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ence, and training.14But they know communications skills get peo-
ple to the top. Thus, by observing each other carefully during
casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident to both
which is the bigger cat in the human jungle.
It doesn’t take long for people to recognize who is an “impor-
tant” person. One cliché, one insensitive remark, one overanxious
reaction, and you can be professionally or personally demoted. You
can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact.
One stupid move and you can tumble offthe corporate or social
ladder.
The techniques in this section will help ensure that you make
all the right moves so this doesn’t happen. The following com-
munications skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top
ofany ladder you choose.
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To size each other up, the ﬁrst question little cats ﬂat-pawedly ask
each other is, “And what do you do? Hmm?” Then they crouch
there, quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses, with an
obvious “I’m going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you
answer” look on their pusses.
Big cats never ask outright, “What do you do?” (Oh they ﬁnd
out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.) By not asking the
question, the big boys and big girls come across as more princi-
pled, even spiritual. “After all,” their silence says, “a man or woman
is far more than his or her job.”
Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity.
With so much downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing ofcorpora-
tions these days, the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness. The
job question is not just unpleasant for those who are “between
engagements.” I have several gainfully employed friends who hate
being asked, “And what do you do?” (One ofthese folks cuts
cadavers for autopsies, the other is an IRS collection agent.)
Additionally, millions oftalented and accomplished women
have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel
corporate question is thrust at them, they feel guilty. The rude
interrogation belittles their commitment to their families. No mat-
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They Do (Without
Even Asking!)
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ter how the women answer, they fear the asker is only going to
hear a humble “I’m just a housewife.”
Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, “What do you do?”
for another reason: their abstinence from the question leads lis-
teners to believe that they are in the habit ofsoaring with a high-
ﬂying crowd. Recently I attended a posh party on Easy Street. (I
suspect they invited me as their token working-class person.) I
noticed no one was asking anyone what they did—because these
swells didn’t do anything. Oh, some might have a ticker tape on
the bed table oftheir mansion to track investments. But they def-
initely did not work for a living.
The ﬁnal beneﬁt to not asking, “What do you do?” is it throws
people offguard. It convinces them you are enjoying their com-
pany for who they are, not for any crass networking reason.
The Right Way to Find Out
So how do you ﬁnd out what someone does for a living? (I thought
you’d never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words.
All together now: “How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . .
of. . . your . . . time?”
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #24
What Do You Do—NOT!
A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous ab-
sence ofthe question, “What do you do?” (You deter-
mine this, ofcourse, but not with those four dirty
words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a
social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter,
or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)
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“How do you spend most ofyour time?” is the gracious way
to let a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off
the hook. It’s the way to reinforce an accomplished mother’s
choice. It’s the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner
beauty. It’s a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on Easy
Street, too.
Now, suppose you’ve just made the acquaintance ofsomeone
who does like to talk about his or her work? Asking, “How do you
spend most ofyour time?” also opens the door for workaholics to
spout off, “Oh golly,” they mock moan, “I just spend all my time
working.” That, ofcourse, is your invitation to grill them for
details. (Then they’ll talk your ear off.) Yet the new wording of
your question gives those who are somewhere between “at leisure”
and “work addicted” the choice oftelling you about their job or
not. Finally, asking “How do you spend most ofyour time?”
instead of“And what do you do?” gives you your big cat stripes
right off.
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Now, 99 percent ofthe people you meet will, ofcourse, ask “And
what do
you
do?” Big winners, realizing someone will always ask,
are fully prepared for the interrogation.
Many folks have one written résumé for job seeking. They
type it up and then trudge offto the printer to get a nice neat
stack to send to all prospective employers. The résumé lists their
previous positions, dates ofemployment, and education. Then, at
the bottom, they might as well have scribbled, “Well, that’s me.
Take it or leave it.” And usually they get left. Why? Because pro-
spective employers do not ﬁnd enough speciﬁc points in the
résumé that relate directly to what their ﬁrm is seeking.
Boys and girls in the big leagues, however, have bits and bytes
oftheir entire work experience tucked away in their computers.
When applying for a job, they punch up only the appropriate data
and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer.
My friend Roberto was out ofwork last year. He applied for
two positions:a sales manager ofan ice cream company and head
ofstrategic planning for a fast-food chain. He did extensive
research and found the ice cream company had deep sales difﬁ-
culties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations.
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Did he send the same résumé to each? Absolutely not. His résumé
never deviated one iota from the truth ofhis background. How-
ever, for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience
turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three
years. For the food chain, he underscored his experience working
in Europe and his knowledge offoreign markets.
Both ﬁrms offered Roberto the job. Now he could play them
offagainst each other. He went to each, explaining he’d like to
work for them but another ﬁrm was offering a higher salary or
more perks. The two ﬁrms started bidding against each other for
Roberto. He ﬁnally chose the food chain at almost double the
salary they originally offered him.
To make the most ofevery encounter, personalize your verbal
résumé with just as much care as you would your written cur-
riculum vitae. Instead ofhaving one answer to the omnipresent
“What do you do?” prepare a dozen or so variations, depending
on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every time someone
asks about your job, give a calculated oral résumé in a nutshell.
Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the
asker could have in you and your work.
“Here’s How My Life Can Beneﬁt Yours”
Top salespeople talk extensively ofthe “beneﬁt statement.” They
know, when talking with a potential client, they should open their
conversation with a beneﬁt statement. When my colleague Brian
makes cold calls, instead ofsaying “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy.
I’m a sales trainer,” he says, “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy from
the Institute for Executive Development. Would you be interested
in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 per-
cent over the next twelve months?” That is his beneﬁt statement.
He highlights the speciﬁc beneﬁts ofwhat he has to offer to his
prospect.
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You
Do?”99
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My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terriﬁc beneﬁt
statement to everyone she meets. That’s probably why she has so
many clients. In fact, that’s how she got me as a client. When I
met Gloria at a convention, she told me she was a hairdresser who
specialized in ﬂexible hairstyles for the businesswoman. She casu-
ally mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative
hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine
style for social situations. “Hey, that’s me,” I said to myself, ﬁn-
gering my stringy little ponytail. I asked for her card and Gloria
became my hairdresser.
Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at
another event. I overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired
woman at the buffet table. Gloria was saying “. . . and we specialize
in a wonderful array ofblue rinses.” Now that was news to me! I
didn’t remember seeing one grey head in her salon.
As I was leaving the party, Gloria was out on the lawn talking
animatedly with the host’s teenage daughters. “Oh yeah,” she was
saying, “like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute
styles.” Good for you, Gloria!
Like Gloria the hairdresser, give your response a once-over
before answering the inevitable “What do you do?” When some-
one asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If
business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, “How could
my professional experience beneﬁt this person’s life?” For example,
here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax
return:
Real estate agent
Financial planner
Martial arts instructor
Cosmetic surgeon
Hairdresser
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Any practitioner ofthe above professions should reﬂect on the
beneﬁt his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some ben-
eﬁt or you wouldn’t get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks
above is
Don’t say “real estate agent.” Say “I help people moving into
our area ﬁnd the right home.”
Don’t say “ﬁnancial planner.” Say “I help people plan their
ﬁnancial future.”
Don’t say “martial arts instructor.” Say “I help people defend
themselves by teaching martial arts.”
Don’t say “cosmetic surgeon.” Say “I reconstruct people’s faces
after disﬁguring accidents.” (Or, ifyou’re talking with a
woman “ofa certain age,” as the French so gracefully say, tell
her, “I help people to look as young as they feel through cos-
metic surgery.”)
Don’t say “hairdresser.” Say “I help a woman ﬁnd the right
hairstyle for her particular face.” (Go, Gloria!)
Putting the beneﬁt statement in your verbal “Nutshell
Résumé” brings your job to life and makes it memorable. Even if
your new acquaintance can’t use your services, the next time he or
she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their
ﬁnancial future, thinking ofselfdefense, considering cosmetic sur-
gery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the
unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description oftheir
jobs, but the big winners who painted a picture ofhelping people
with needs.
A Nutshell Résumé for Your Private Life
The Nutshell Résumé works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since
the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself, prepare
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Do?”101
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a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or
loved one, make your life sound like you will be a fun person to
know.
As a young girl, I wrote novels in my mind about my life.
“Leil, squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely
reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters
tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane.”
Big deal—Mama asked me to close the windows when it started
to rain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself
the family’s brave savior.
You don’t need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image,
but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #25
The Nutshell Résumé
Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written
résumé offtheir printers for each position they’re
applying for, let a different true story about your
professional life roll offyour tongue for each listener.
Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself,
“What possible interest could this person have in my
answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me?
Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?”
Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own
life to work into your communications bag oftricks.
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Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn
big for his tongue? By the smile on the speaker’s face and the gleam
in his eye as the word limped offhis lips, you knew he was really
proud ofit. (To make matters worse, he probably used the word
incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe even mispronounced it.
Ouch.)
The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more
creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired
quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more. So big
winners use rich, full words, but they never sound inappropriate.
The phrases slide gracefully offtheir tongues to enrich their con-
versation. The words ﬁt. With the care that they choose their tie
or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their per-
sonalities and their points.
The startling good news is that the difference between a
respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about ﬁfty words!
You don’t need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen
wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have
an original and creative mind.
Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over
vocabulary books or listen to tapes ofpompous pontiﬁcators with
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impossible British accents. You don’t need to learn two-dollar
words that your grandmother, ifshe heard, would wash out of
your mouth with soap.
All you need to do is think ofa few tired, overworked words
you use every day—words like
smart
,
nice
,
pretty
, or
good
. Then
grab a thesaurus or book ofsynonyms offthe shelf. Look up that
common word even you are bored hearing yourselfutter every day.
Examine your long list ofalternatives.
For example, ifyou turn to the word
smart
, you’ll ﬁnd dozens
ofsynonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like
ingenious
,
resourceful
,
adroit
,
shrewd
, and many more. Run down the list and
say each out loud. Which ones ﬁt your personality? Which ones
seem right for you? Try each on like a suit ofclothes to see which
feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them
aloud until they become a natural staple ofyour vocabulary. The
next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say,
you’ll be purring
“Oh, that was so
clever
ofyou.”
“My how
resourceful
.”
“That was
ingenious
.”
Or maybe, “How
astute
ofyou.”
And Now, for Men Only
Gentlemen, we women spend a lot oftime in front ofthe mirror
(as ifyou didn’t know). When I was in college, it used to take me
a full ﬁfteen minutes to ﬁx myselfup for a date. Every year since,
I’ve had to add a few minutes. I’m now up to an hour and a half
gussying myselfup for an evening out.
Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all
dolled up for a night out, or you pick a lady up for dinner, what
do you say? Ifyou make no comment except, “Well, are you ready
to go?” how do you think that makes the lady feel?
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My friend Gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes
me to dinner. I met him about twelve years ago, and I’ll never for-
get the ﬁrst time he arrived on my doorstep for our date. He said,
“Leil, you look great.” I adored his reaction!
I saw Gary a month or so later. On my doorstep again, “Leil,
you look great.” The precise same words as the ﬁrst time, but I
still appreciated it.
It’s been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have
been friends. I see him about once every two months, and every
darn time it’s the same old comment, “Leil, you look great.” (I
think I’ll show up one evening in a ﬂannel nightshirt and a mud
pack on my face. I swear Gary will say, “Leil, you look great.”)
During my seminars, to help men avoid Gary’s mistake, I ask
every male to think ofa synonym for
pretty
or
great
. Then I bring
up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her
husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to din-
ner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.
“Darla,” one says, “you look
elegant
.”
“Ooh!” Every woman in the room sighs.
“Darla,” says another, taking her hand, “you look
stunning
.”
“Ooh!” Every woman in the room swoons.
“Darla,” says the third, putting her hand between his, “you
look
ravishing
.”
“Ooooh!” By now every woman in the room has gone limp.
Pay attention men! Words work on us women.
More Unisex Suggestions
Suppose you’ve been at a party and it was wonderful. Don’t tell
the hosts it was
wonderful
. Everybody says that. Tell them it was
a
splendid
party, a
superb
party, an
extraordinary
party. Hug the
hosts and tell them you had a
magniﬁcent
time, a
remarkable
time,
a
glorious
time.
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The ﬁrst few times you say a word like
glorious
, it may not roll
comfortably offyour tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the
word wonderful. Hmm,
glor-i-ous
doesn’t have any more syllables
than
won-der-ful
. Neither does it have any more difﬁcult sounds
to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter offamiliarity. Use your
new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new
pair ofshoes, you’ll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new
words.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #26
Your Personal Thesaurus
Look up some common words you use every day in the
thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair
ofshoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see
how they ﬁt. Ifyou like them, start making permanent
replacements.
Remember, only ﬁfty words makes the difference
between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average,
middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for
two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.
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Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats
scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds
attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When
you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has
much more punch. Above all, you don’t want to sound
anxious
to
have rapport.
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experi-
ence, instead ofjumping in with a breathless, “Hey, me, too! I do
that, too” or “I know all about that,” let your conversation part-
ner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club
before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go on analyzing
the golfswing ofArnold Palmer before you start casually com-
paring the swings ofgolfgreats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let
her tell you how many tennis games she’s won before you just hap-
pen to mention your USTA ranking.
Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much
I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed
travelogue ofplaces I’d skied. I raved about the various resorts. I
analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artiﬁcial versus natu-
ral snow. It wasn’t until near the end ofmy monologue that I
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ﬁnally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance ifhe skied. He
replied, “Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.”
Cool! Ifhe’d jumped in and told me about his ski pad right
after I ﬁrst told him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been
impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end ofour conver-
sation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept
an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.
Here’s the technique I call “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’” When-
ever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them
enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casu-
ally mention you share their interest.
Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You
I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the
moment presented itselfat a convention. A new contact began
telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no
idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about
the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and
how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park.
(Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice
my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these
familiar sights from a visitor’s perspective.)
I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and ifshe had
a chance to get into any ofthe beautiful Maryland or Virginia sub-
urbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip,
she said, “You sound like you know a lot about Washington.”
“Yes,” I replied. “It’s my hometown, but I haven’t been back
there in ages.”
“Your hometown!” she squealed. “My goodness, why didn’t
you tell me? I must have been boring you.”
“Oh, not at all,” I replied honestly. “I was enjoying hearing
about your trip so much, I was afraid you’d stop ifI told you.” Her
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big smile and barely audible “Oh gosh” let me know I had won a
new friend.
When someone starts telling you about an activity he has
done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she
has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller
relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly
knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have
when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the
moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to
mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared
interest.
How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity)109
Technique #27
Kill the Quick “Me, Too!”
Whenever you have something in common with
someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more
moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as
a conﬁdent big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for
quick connection with a stranger.
P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared
interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.
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“SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . ” Two-bit comics have
been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a
foursquare meal. However, big winners know there’s a three-letter
word more potent then
SEX
to get people’s attention. That word
is
YOU
.
Why is
you
such a powerful word? Because when we were
infants, we thought we were the center ofthe universe. Nothing
mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest ofthe shadowy forms
stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed
solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that
we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into,
“How does that affect ME?”
Big winners know we haven’t changed a bit. Adults camouﬂage
their self-centeredness under a mask ofcivilization and politeness.
Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly
translates everything into terms of“How does that affect ME?”
For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague,
Jill, ifshe would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her,
“There’s a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you
join me there for dinner tonight?”
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Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, “By ‘good’ does
he mean the food or the atmosphere or both?” Her reverie con-
tinues, “Indian cuisine, I’m not sure. He says it’s good. However,
will I like it?” While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her
hesitation personally, and the joy ofthe exchange diminishes.
Suppose, instead, you had said to her, “Jill,
you
will really love
this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening
for dinner?” Phrasing it that way, you’ve already subliminally
answered Jill’s questions and she’s more apt to give you a quick
“yes.”
The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psy-
chologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that
which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful.
For many people, thinking is painful.
So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by,
sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them.
They translate everything into the other person’s terms by starting
as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter
word,
you
. Thus, I call the technique “Comm-YOU-nication.”
Comm-YOU-nicate When You
Want a Favor
Putting
you
ﬁrst gets a much better response, especially when
you’re asking a favor, because it pushes the asker’s pride button.
Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your
boss ifyou can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or
she is going to react to more positively? “Can
I
take Friday off,
Boss?” Or this one: “Boss, can
you
do without me Friday?”
In the ﬁrst case, Boss had to translate your “Can I take Friday
off?” into “Can I do without this employee Friday?” That’s an extra
thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)
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-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection111
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However, in the second case, “Boss, can
you
do without me
Friday,” you did Boss’s thinking for her. Your new wording made
managing without you a matter ofpride for Boss. “Ofcourse,” she
said to herself. “I can manage without your help Friday.”
Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gen-
tlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer
feelings? The woman who says, “I like your suit.” Or the one who
says, “
You
look great in that suit.”
Big players who make business presentations use Comm-
YOU-nication to excellent advantage. Suppose you’re giving a talk
and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, “That’s
a good question.” However, consider how much better he feels
when you tell him, “
You’ve
asked a good question.”
Salespeople, don’t just tell your prospects, “It’s important that
. . . . ” Convince them by informing them, “
You’ll
see the impor-
tance of. . . . ”
When negotiating, instead of, “The result will be . . . ” let
them know, “
You’ll
see the result when you. . . .”
Starting sentences with
you
even works when talking to
strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hope-
lessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get
to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill.
“Excuse me,” I called out the window, “I can’t ﬁnd the Golden
Gate Bridge.” The pair looked at each other and shrugged with
that “How stupid can these tourists get” look on their faces. “That
direction,” the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.
Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered.
“Excuse me, where’s the Golden Gate Bridge?” Without smiling,
they pointed in the opposite direction.
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Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came
upon the next strolling couple, I called out the window, “Excuse
me, could
you
tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?”
“Ofcourse,” they said, answering my question literally. You
see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I
was asking, in essence, “Are you able to give me directions?” This
hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and
gave me explicit instructions.
“Hey,” I thought. “This
you
stuffreally works.” To test my
hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my
three forms ofthe question. Sure enough, whenever I asked,
“Could
you
tell me where . . .” people were more pleasant and help-
ful than when I started the question with
I
or
where
.
I’m sure when they recover the ﬂight box from the Fall ofMan
under a ﬁg leafin the Garden ofEden, it will convince the world
ofthe power ofthe word
you
. Eve did not ask Adam to eat the
apple. She did not command him to eat the apple. She didn’t even
How to Be a“
You
-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection113
Technique #28
Comm-YOU-nication
Start every appropriate sentence with
you
. It immedi-
ately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more
positive response because it pushes the pride button
and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms.
When you sprinkle
you
as liberally as salt and
pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners
ﬁnd it an irresistible spice.
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say, “Adam, I want you to eat this apple.” She phrased it (as all big
winners would), “
You
will love this apple.” That’s why he bit.
Comm-YOU-nication Is a Sign ofSanity
Therapists calculate inmates ofmental institutions say
I
and
me
twelve times more often than residents ofthe outside world. As
patients’ conditions improve, the number oftimes they use the
personal pronouns also diminishes.
Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use
I
, the
more sane you seem to your listeners. Ifyou eavesdrop on big win-
ners talking with each other, you’ll notice a lot more
you
than
I
in
their conversation.
The next technique concerns a way big winners are silently
you
-oriented.
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Have you ever seen those low-budget, mail-order fashion cata-
logues that use the same model throughout? Whether she is
engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini, her face
sports the same plastic smile. Looking at her, you get the feeling
ifyou rapped on her forehead, a tiny voice would come back say-
ing “Nobody’s in here.”
Whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have mas-
tered a myriad ofdifferent expressions: a ﬂirtatious “I’ve got a
secret” smile on one page; a quizzical “I think I’d like to get to
know you but I’m not sure” smile on the next; and a mysterious
Mona Lisa smile on the third. You feel there’s a brain running the
operation somewhere inside that beautiful head.
I once stood in the receiving line ofthe ship I worked on,
along with the captain, his wife, and several other ofﬁcers. One
passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our
line. When he got to me, he ﬂashed a shimmering smile, reveal-
ing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano. I was trans-
ﬁxed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim
ballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to ﬁnd this
charming gentleman later.
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Then he was introduced to the next person. Out ofthe cor-
ner ofmy eye, I saw his identical glistening grin. A third person,
the same grin. My interest began to dwindle.
When he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next
person, he started to resemble a Cheshire cat. By the time he was
introduced to the ﬁfth person, his consistent smile felt like a strobe
light disturbing the ambience ofthe ballroom. Strobe Man went
on ﬂashing everybody the same smile down the line. I had no fur-
ther interest in talking with him.
Why did this man’s stock shoot high in my ticker one minute
and plummet the next? Because his smile, although charming,
reﬂected no special reaction to me. Obviously, he gave the same
smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all its specialness. IfStrobe
Man had given each ofus a slightly different smile, he would have
appeared sensitive and insightful. (Ofcourse, ifhis smile had been
just a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldn’t have waited
for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded
ballroom.)
Review Your Repertoire ofSmiles
Ifyour job required you to carry a gun, you would, ofcourse, learn
all about the moving parts before ﬁring it. And before taking aim,
you would carefully consider whether it would murder, maim, or
merely wound your target. Since your smile is one ofyour biggest
communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the
effect on your target. Set aside ﬁve minutes. Lock your bedroom or
bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone offthe
deep end. Now stand in front ofthe mirror and ﬂash a few smiles.
Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire.
Just as you would alternate saying “Hello,” “How do you do,”
and “I am pleased to meet you” when being introduced to a group
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ofpeople, vary your smile. Don’t use the same on each. Let each
ofyour smiles reﬂect the nuances ofyour sentiment about the
recipient.
In Defense ofthe Quickie
There are times, I discovered, when the quick put-on smile works.
For example, when you want to engineer the acquaintance of
someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be intro-
duced. (In the vernacular, that’s “pick them up.”)
The smile’s pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn
researchers at the University ofMissouri. They conducted a highly
controlled study titled “Giving Men the Come-On: Effect ofEye
Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.”15(I kid you not.) To
prove their hypothesis, female researchers made eye contact with
unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local
drinking establishment. Sometimes, the female researchers fol-
lowed their glance with a smile. In other cases, no smile.
How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody”117
Technique #29
The Exclusive Smile
Ifyou ﬂash everybody the same smile, like a Confed-
erate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of
people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles
grow out ofthe beauty big players ﬁnd in each new
face.
Ifone person in a group is more important to you
than the others, reserve an especially big, ﬂooding smile
just for him or her.
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The results? I quote the study: “The highest approach behav-
ior, 60 percent, was observed in the condition in which there was
smiling.” That translates into layman’s English: “The guy came
over 60 percent ofthe time when the lady smiled.” Without the
smile, he “made the approach only 20 percent ofthe time.” So,
yes, a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up.
However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try The
Flooding Smile from the ﬁrst section and now The Exclusive
Smile.
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Do you remember that scene from the movie classic
Annie Hall
where Diane Keaton is ﬁrst meeting Woody Allen? As she’s chat-
ting with him, we hear her private thoughts. She’s musing to her-
self, “Oh I hope he’s not a jerk like all the others.”
One ofthe quickest ways to make a big winner think you are,
well, a jerk, is to use a cliché. Ifyou’re chatting with a top com-
municator and even innocently remark “Yes, I was tired as a dog,”
or “She was cute as a button,” you’ve unknowingly laid a linguis-
tic bomb.
Big winners silently moan when they hear someone mouth a
trite overworn phrase. Oh sure, just like the rest ofus, big win-
ners ﬁnd themselves feeling ﬁt as a ﬁddle, happy as a lark, or high
as a kite. Like the rest ofhumanity, they consider some oftheir
acquaintances crazy as a loon, nutty as a fruitcake, or blind as a
bat. Because many ofthem work hard, many ofthem are as busy
as a bee and get rich as Croesus.
Yet would any ofthem describe themselves in those words?
Not in a coon’s age! Why? Because when a big winner hears your
cliché, you might as well be saying, “My powers ofimagination
are impoverished. I can’t think ofanything original to say, so I
must fall back on these trite overworn phrases.” Mouthing a com-
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mon cliché around uncommonly successful people brands you as
uncommonly common.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #30
Don’t Touch a Cliché with a Ten-Foot Pole
Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with
big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole.
Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you
want to sound dumb as a doorknob.
Instead ofcoughing up a cliché, roll your own
clever phrases by using the next technique.
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They say the pen is mightier than the sword. It is, but the tongue
is even mightier than the pen. Our tongues can bring crowds to
laughter, to tears, and often to their feet in shouting appreciation.
Orators have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to God.
And what is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands, legs,
arms, and vocal chords you and I have.
Perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a profes-
sional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than
the one we were doled out. But the professional speaker starts out
with the same equipment we all have. The difference is, these jaw-
smiths use it all. They use their hands, they use their bodies, and
they use speciﬁc gestures with heavy impact. They think about the
space they’re talking in. They employ many different tones of
voice, they invoke various expressions, they vary the speed with
which they speak . . . and they make effective use ofsilence.
You may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon, but
chances are sometime (probably very soon) you’re going to want
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people to see things your way. Whether it’s persuading your fam-
ily to spend their next vacation at Grandma’s, or convincing the
stockholders in your multimillion-dollar corporation that it’s time
to do a takeover, do it like a pro. Get a book or two on public
speaking and learn some ofthe tricks ofthe trade. Then put some
ofthat drama into your everyday conversation.
A Gem for Every Occasion
Ifstirring words help make your point, ponder the impact ofpow-
erful phrases. They’ve helped politicians get elected (“Read my
lips: no new taxes.”) and defendants get acquitted (“Ifit doesn’t
ﬁt, you must acquit.”).
IfGeorge H. W. Bush had said, “I promise not to raise taxes,”
or Johnny Cochran, during O. J. Simpson’s criminal trial, had said,
“Ifthe glove doesn’t ﬁt, he must be innocent,” their bulky sen-
tences would have slipped in and out ofthe voter’s or juror’s con-
sciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neat phrases
make powerful weapons. (Ifyou’re not careful, your enemies will
later use them against you—read my lips!)
One ofmy favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named
Barry Farber who brightens up late-night radio with sparkling sim-
iles. Barry would never use a cliché like “nervous as a cat on a hot
tin roof.” He’d describe being nervous about losing his job as “I
felt like an elephant dangling over a cliffwith his tail tied to a
daisy.” Instead ofsaying he looked at a pretty woman, he’d say,
“My eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve.”
When I ﬁrst met him, I asked, “Mr. Farber, how do you come
up with these phrases?”
“My daddy’s Mr. Farber. I’m Barry,” he chided (his way ofsay-
ing, “Call me Barry”). He then candidly admitted, although some
ofhis phrases are original, many are borrowed. (Elvis Presley used
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to say, “My daddy’s Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.”) Like all profes-
sional speakers, Barry spends several hours a week gleaning
through books ofquotations and humor. All professional speakers
do. They collect bon mots they can use in a variety ofsituations—
most especially to scrape egg offtheir faces when something unex-
pected happens.
Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s
face-saver lines from her book,
What to Say When You’re Dying on
the Platform
.16Ifyou tell a joke and no one laughs, try “That joke
was designed to get a silent laugh—and it worked.” Ifthe micro-
phone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, “I don’t under-
stand. I brushed my teeth this morning.” Ifsomeone asks you a
question you don’t want to answer, “Could you save that question
until I’m ﬁnished—and well on my way home?” All pros think of
holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines.
You can do the same.
Look through books ofsimiles to enrich your day-to-day con-
versations. Instead of“happy as a lark” try “happy as a lottery win-
ner” or “happy as a baby with its ﬁrst ice cream cone.” Instead of
“bald as an eagle,” try “bald as a new marine” or “bald as a bull-
frog’s belly.” Instead of“quiet as a mouse,” try “quiet as an eel
swimming in oil” or “quiet as a ﬂy lighting on a feather duster.”
Find phrases that have visual impact. Instead ofa cliché like
“sure as death and taxes,” try “as certain as beach trafﬁc in July”
or “as sure as your shadow will follow you.” Your listeners can’t see
death or taxes. But they sure can see beach trafﬁc in July or their
shadow following them down the street.
Try to make your similes relate to the situation. Ifyou’re rid-
ing in a taxi with someone, “as sure as that taxi meter will rise” has
immediate impact. Ifyou’re talking with a man walking his dog,
“as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree” adds a touch of
humor.
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Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh,
Make ’Em Laugh
Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with,
“Hey didja hear the one about . . . ?” Plan your humor and make
it relevant. For example, ifyou’re going to a meeting on the bud-
get, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business
situation, a little levity shows you’re at ease.
Once, during an oppressive ﬁnancial meeting, I heard a top
executive say, “Don’t worry, this company has enough money to
stay in business for years—unless we pay our creditors.” He broke
the tension and won the appreciation ofall. Later I saw a similar
quote in a humor book attributed to Jackie Mason, the comedian.
So what? The exec still came across as a cool communicator with
his clever comment.
Big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at
night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press
will pick up. A Michigan veterinarian named Timothy, a heavy
hitter in his own ﬁeld but completely unknown outside it, made
national headlines when he planned to attach a pair offeet to a
rooster who lost his to frostbite. Why? Because he called it a
“drumstick transplant.”
I don’t know ifa French woman, Jeanne Calment, then ofﬁ-
cially the world’s oldest person, was looking for publicity on her
122nd birthday. But she made international headlines when she told
the media, “I’ve only ever had one wrinkle, and I’m sitting on it.”
Mark Victor Hansen, a big player in his own ﬁeld but once rel-
atively unknown outside ofit, was propelled into national promi-
nence when he came up with a catchy name for his book
coauthored with Jack Canﬁeld,
Chicken Soup for the Soul
. He told
me his original title was
101 Pretty Stories
. How far would that have
gone? Soon the world was lapping up, among others, his
Chicken
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Soup for the Woman’s Soul
,
Chicken Soup for the TeenageSoul
,
Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul
,
Chicken Soup for the Christian
Soul
, plus second, third, and fourth servings ofchicken soup in
hardcover, paperback, audiocassette, videocassette, and calendars.
A Word ofWarning
No matter how good your material is, it bombs ifit doesn’t ﬁt the
situation. I learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days.
On a cruise to England I decided to give my passengers a reading
ofthe English love poems ofElizabeth Barrett and Robert Brown-
ing. You know, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It
was a BIG hit. The passengers loved it and raved for days. I
couldn’t walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me
and affectionately echoing, “How do I love thee?”
How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation125
Technique #31
Use Jawsmith’s Jive
Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing
thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your
family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the
same skills.
Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls
ofwisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones.
Find a few bon mots to let casually slide offyour
tongue on chosen occasions. Ifyou want to be notable,
dream up a crazy quotable.
Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em
funny. Above all, make ’em relevant.
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Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance
and fancied myselfan eminent poetry reader. I decided to reward
the passengers on the next cruise (which was a cruise to the
Caribbean and didn’t go anywhere in the neighborhood of
England) with my spectacular reading ofthe English love poems.
WHAT A BOMB! Passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest
ofthe cruise. “How did you bore me? Let me count the ways.”
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Ifyou stepped into an elevator full ofpeople speaking Hungar-
ian, you might not recognize they were Hungarian unless you
spoke their language. However, the minute you opened your
mouth, they’d recognize you’re not Hungarian.
It’s the same with the big cats. Ifyou overhear several ofthem
speaking, you might not recognize they’re big cats. However, the
minute you opened your mouth they’d recognize you’re not a big
cat, unless you spoke their lingo.
What are some differences between a big cat’s growl and a lit-
tle cat’s insigniﬁcant hiss? One ofthe most blatant is euphemisms.
Big cats aren’t afraid ofreal words. They call a spade a spade.
Words like
toilet paper
don’t scare them. Little cats hide behind
bathroom tissue
. Ifsomebody is rich, big cats call it “rich.” Little
cats, oh so embarrassed at the concept oftalking about money in
polite company, substitute the word
wealthy
. When little cats use
a substitute word or euphemism, they might as well be saying,
“Whoops, you are better than I am. I’m in polite company now
and so I’ll use the nicey-nice word.”
Big cats are anatomically correct—no cutesy words for body
parts. They’ll say “breasts” when they mean breasts. When they
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Big Shots Do (Big
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say “knockers,” they mean decorative structures that hang on the
front door. And “family jewels” are in the safe on the wall.
Ifa big cat is ever in doubt about a word, he or she simply
resorts to French. Ifthey feel the word
buttocks
is debatable,
der-
riere
will do quite nicely, thank you.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #32
Call a Spade a Spade
Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade.
That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter
words when perfectly decent ﬁve- and six-letter ones
exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and
they speak it.
Here’s another way to tell the big players from the
little ones just by listening to a few minutes oftheir
conversation.
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Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president ofan
advertising agency, Louis, and his wife, Lillian. The evening
started with cocktails, followed by a gourmet meal accompanied
by a selection ofexcellent wines. The conversation had been con-
vivial, the cuisine delicious, and the wine very ﬁne. And very plen-
tiful. At the end ofthe evening, Louis raised his glass to make a
toast. A few wine droplets sloshed out ofhis glass onto the
tablecloth.
A pretty young woman who was the date ofa new art direc-
tor named Bob giggled and said, “I can tell you’re feeling no pain.”
Shock waves went around the table. Everyone froze. The host
was indeed a bit inebriated. However, alluding to Louis being a
little looped, even in jest, was as though the woman had suddenly
smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner
plate.
One guest quickly covered the girl’s horrifying gaffe by lift-
ing her glass and saying “None ofus is. No one in the company
ofLouis and Lillian could ever feel any pain. Here’s to a truly won-
derful evening.”
Louis then continued with his toast to the wonderful com-
pany, and no one was feeling pain any longer. Except Bob. He
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Conversational Habit
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knew his date’s innocent teasing was a black mark, ifnot in his
personnel ﬁle, on his personal ﬁle.
The next sure sign ofa little cathood is teasing. Little cats go
around patting their friends’ paunches and saying, “Enjoying that
cheesecake, huh?” Or looking at their balding heads and saying,
“Hey, hair today, gone tomorrow, huh?” They think it’s hilarious
to make a quip at someone else’s expense and say “You don’t have
an inferiority complex. You are inferior! Hardy har har.”
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #33
Trash the Teasing
A dead giveaway ofa little cat is his or her proclivity to
tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may
get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will
have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against
the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from
stepping on their paws.
Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense.
You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.
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In ancient Egypt, the pharaoh treated the humblest message run-
ner like a prince when he arrived at the palace, ifhe brought good
news. However, ifthe exhausted runner had the misfortune to
bring the pharaoh unhappy news, his head was chopped off.
Shades ofthat spirit pervade today’s conversations. Once a
friend and I packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
for an outing. As we waltzed happily out the door, picnic basket
in hand, a smiling neighbor, rocking away on his porch, looked
up at the sky and said, “Oh boy, bad day for a picnic. The news-
cast says it’s going to rain.” I wanted to rub his face in my peanut
butter and jelly sandwich. Not for his gloomy weather report, for
his smile.
Several months ago I was racing to catch a bus. As I breath-
lessly shoved my handful ofcash across the Greyhound counter,
the grinning sales agent gushed, “Oh that bus left ﬁve minutes
ago.” Dreams ofdecapitation!
It’s not the news that makes someone angry. It’s the unsym-
pathetic attitude with which it’s delivered. Everyone must give bad
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Bad News (and Have
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the More)
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news from time to time, and winning professionals do it with the
proper attitude. A doctor advising a patient she needs an opera-
tion does it with compassion. A boss informing an employee he
didn’t get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Griefcoun-
selors at airports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken senti-
ment ofrelatives. Big winners know, when delivering any bad
news, they should share the sentiment ofthe receiver.
Unfortunately, many people are not aware ofthis sensitivity.
When you’re weary from a long ﬂight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully
chirped that your room isn’t ready yet? When you had your heart
set on the roast beef, has your waiter merrily warbled that he just
served the last piece? When you needed cash for the weekend, has
your bank teller gleefully told you your account is overdrawn? It
makes you as traveler, diner, or depositor want to put your ﬁst
right through their insensitive grins.
Had my neighbor told me ofthe impending rainstorm with
sympathy, I would have appreciated his warning. Had the Grey-
hound salesclerk sympathetically informed me that my bus had
already left, I probably would have said, “Oh, that’s all right.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #34
It’s the Receiver’s Ball
A football player wouldn’t last two beats ofthe time
clock ifhe made blind passes. A pro throws the ball
with the receiver always in mind.
Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in
mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not
according to how you feel about the news, but how the
receiver will take it.
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I’llcatch the next one.” Big winners, when they bear bad news,
deliver bombs with the emotion the bombarded person is sure to
have.
Big winners know how to give bad news to people. They also
know how not to give any news to anyone, even when people are
pressuring them. Let’s explore that next.
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One ofmy clients Barbara, a ministar in the furniture business,
recently separated from her husband and business partner, Frank,
a megastar in the furniture business. They suffered a long and
messy divorce that resulted in them keeping the business jointly
but not having to deal with each other.
Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with
Barbara. Since she and Frank were both beloved in the industry,
people were curious about what had happened and how it affected
their company. But, ofcourse, no one dared ask outright. And Bar-
bara was offering no explanations.
I was seated next to Barbara at the gala farewell dinner. Appar-
ently one ofher colleagues at the table couldn’t contain her curios-
ity any longer. During dessert, she leaned over to Barbara and in
a hushed voice asked, “Barbara, what happened with you and
Frank?”
Barbara, unrufﬂed by the rude question, simply took a spoon-
ful ofher cherries jubilee and said, “We’ve separated, but the com-
pany is unaffected.”
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Shut the Heck Up)
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Not satisﬁed with that answer, the woman pumped harder.
“Are you still working together?”
Barbara took another bite ofher dessert and repeated in pre-
cisely the same tone ofvoice, “We’ve separated, but the company
is unaffected.”
The frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily.
“Are you both still working in the company?”
Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the woman’s
incontinent insistence, scooped the last cherry out ofher dish,
smiled, looked directly at her, and said in the identical tone of
voice, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”
That shut her up. Barbara had shown her big winner’s badge
by using “The Broken Record” technique, the most effective way
to curtail an unwelcome cross-examination.
How to Respond When You Don’t Want to Answer135
Technique #35
The Broken Record
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an
unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original
response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the
same tone ofvoice. Hearing it again usually quiets
them down. Ifyour rude interrogator hangs on like a
leech, your next repetition never fails to ﬂick them off.
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Suppose you’ve just settled in for dinner at a nice restaurant. You
look over at the next table, and who do you see? Is it really he?
Could it possibly be? It’s gotta be a look-alike. No, it isn’t! It really
is . . . Woody Allen. (Substitute any celebrity here: your favorite
movie star, politician, broadcaster, boss who owns the company
that owns the company you work for.) And there the celestial body
is in the ﬂesh, sitting not ten feet from you. What should you do?
Nothing! Big shots don’t slobber over stars. Let the luminary
enjoy a briefmoment ofanonymity. Ifhe or she should cast a
glance in your direction, give a smile and a nod. Then waft your
gaze back to your dining companion. You will be a lot cooler in
the eyes ofyour dinner partner ifyou take it all in your stride.
Now, ifyou just can’t resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportu-
nity to press the ﬂesh ofthe megastar and tell him or her ofyour
admiration, here’s how to do it with grace. Wait until you or the
luminary are leaving the restaurant. After the check has been paid
and you will obviously not be taking much ofhis or her time, you
may make your approach. Say something like, “Mr. Allen, I just
want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful ﬁlms have
given me over the years. Thank you so much.”
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Did you pick up the subtlety here? You are not compliment-
ing his work. “After all,” he might well ask himself, “who are you
to judge whether I am a great ﬁlmmaker or not?” You can only
speak from your own perspective. You do this by telling him how
much pleasure his work has given you.
Ifit’s your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss whom the fates have sent
to bask in your adulation, do the same. Do not say “Bill” or “Mr.
Gates, you really run a great company.”
“Lowly geek,” he thinks, “who are you to judge?” Instead, tell
him what an honor it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the
moment to detail the intricacies ofyour improvements on image-
editing software for digitizing photographs.
Then let your body language express that ifWoody or Bill or
the other megastar wants to leave it at that, you are happy with
the exchange. If, however, the megastar is captivated by you (or
has had so much liquid merriment that he or she has decided to
mingle with the masses tonight), then all bets are off. You’re on
your own. Enjoy! Until you pick up the ﬁrst body-language sign
that they would like to end it. Think ofyourselfas a ballroom
dance student waltzing with your teacher. He leads, you follow.
And he tells you when the waltz is over.
Incidentally, ifthe megastar is with a companion and your
conversation goes on for more than a few moments, direct some
comments at the companion. Ifthe satellite is in such stellar com-
pany, he or she is probably also an accomplished person.
Felicia, a friend ofmine, is a talented trial lawyer who is mar-
ried to a local TV-show host. Because Tom is on television, peo-
ple recognize him wherever they go, and Felicia gets ignored.
Felicia tells me how frustrating it is, even for Tom. Whenever they
go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicia’s fascinating
work hardly ever gets mentioned. She and Tom used to love going
out to dinner, but now they hide out at home in the evenings.
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Why? Because they can’t stand the interruptions ofoverly effer-
vescent fans.
“I Love What You Used to Be
[You Has-Been]”
Another sensitivity: the ﬁlm star is probably obsessed with his last
ﬁlm, the politician with her last election, a corporate mogul with
his last takeover, an author with her last novel—and so forth. So
when discussing the star’s, the politician’s, the mogul’s, the author’s,
or any VIP’s work, try to keep your comments to current or recent
work. Telling Woody Allen how much you loved his 1980 ﬁlm
Stardust Memories
would not endear you to him. “What about all
my wonderful ﬁlms since?” thinks he. Stick to the present or very
recent past ifpossible.
A ﬁnal celebrity codicil: Suppose you are fortunate enough to
have one at your party. To shine some star light on your party,
don’t ask the TV host to “say a few words.” Don’t ask the singer
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #36
Big Shots Don’t Slobber
People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber
over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t
compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or
insight it’s given you. Ifyou do single out any one of
the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one,
not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook.
Ifthe queen bee has a drone sitting with her, ﬁnd a
way to involve him in the conversation.
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to sing a song. What looks effortless to the rest ofus because they
seem so comfortable performing is work for them. You wouldn’t
ask an accountant guest to look over your books. Or a dentist to
check out your third left molar. Let the dignitary drink. Let the
luminary laugh. Celebrities are people, too, and they like their
time off.
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To wrap up our section on sounding like the big boys and big girls,
here is a simple and gracious little maneuver. It not only signals
people you’re a top communicator, but it encourages them to keep
doing nice things for you. Or complimenting you. Or doing busi-
ness with you. Or loving you. It is very short. It is very sweet. It
is very simple. You can use it with everyone in your life. When it
becomes instinctive, you’ll ﬁnd yourselfusing it every day.
Very simply, never let the phrase
thank you
stand naked and
alone. Always make it thank you for something. People use the
bare exposed “thank you” so often that people don’t even hear it
anymore. When we buy the morning newspaper, we ﬂash a naked
“thank you” at the vendor when he gives us our nickel’s change. Is
that the same “thank you” you want to give a valued customer who
makes a big purchase in your store? Or a loved one who cooks you
a delicious dinner?
Whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious
acknowledgment, dress up your “thank you” with the reason:
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for being so understanding.
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Thank you for waiting.
Thank you for being such a good customer.
Thank you for being so loving.
Often, when I disembark an airplane, the captain and ﬁrst
ofﬁcer are standing by the cockpit door to bid the passengers
farewell. I say, “Thanks for getting us here.” Admittedly, that’s car-
rying “Never the Naked Thank You” technique to extremes, but
it has a surprising effect. They fall all over themselves with “Oh,
thanks for ﬂying with us!”
Thank you for reading this section of
How to Talk to Anyone
!
Now let us move on to another conversation challenge, how to talk
knowledgeably with everyone—from groups ofaccountants to
Zen Buddhists—no matter how little you might have in common.
How to Make Them Want to Thank You141
Technique #37
Never the Naked Thank You
Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. From A
to Z, always follow it with for: from “Thank you for
asking” to “Thank you for zipping me up.”
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143
PARTFOUR
How to Be an Insider
in Any Crowd
What Are They All Talking About?
Has it ever happened to you? Everyone at the party is speaking
gobbledygook. They’re all discussing faulty audits, code con-
straints, or the library market—and you have no idea what they’re
talking about. It’s because everybody at the party is an accoun-
tant, an architect, or a publisher—and you’re not.
So you stand there with a pasty smile on your face, not open-
ing your mouth. Ifyou do, you fear the wrong thing will come
out. Paranoia sets in. Everybody will snicker at you. You’re an out-
sider. So you suffer in silence.
In high school I suffered a massive case ofSilent Outsider
Syndrome, especially around males. All they wanted to talk about
was cars. I knew nothing about cars. The only time I’d ever set
foot in a “body shop” was to get a suntan.
Well, one fateful day, Mama came home with a gift for me
that transformed my teenage existence from shy to sociable. It was
a book on all the current model cars and their differences over and
under the hood. One reading, and I became ﬂuent in Fords,
Chevys, and Buicks. I no longer hyperventilated when boys said
words like
carburetor
,
alternator
,
camshaft
, or
exhaust manifold
. I
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didn’t need to learn a lot, just enough to ask the right questions to
get the guys talking. When I’d learned to speak “car” with the
boys, it worked wonders for my social life.
Cut to today. We grown-up boys and girls also have our
favorite topics that usually involve our work or our hobbies. When
we’re with people in our own ﬁeld or who share our interests, we
open up like small-town gossips. (Even engineers who have a con-
stant case ofcat-got-their-tongue start gabbing about greasy tur-
bines and various projects when they’re together.) To outsiders, our
conversation sounds like gobbledygook. But we know precisely
what it’s about. It’s our own jobbeldygook or hobbydygook.
You fear you’ll ﬁnd yourselfin a party ofsquash players when
you’re the type ofperson who’d rather be in court than on court?
Don’t panic hearing words like
lobbing
and
hittingrails
roll offthe
squash players’ tongues. So what ifthe only experience you’ve ever
had with squash was the mashed acorn variety on your plate next
to the turkey last Thanksgiving. All you need is the few techniques
that follow.
Just as anglers throw out a dragonﬂy to get the ﬁsh to bite, all
you have to do is throw out the right questions to get people to
open up. Dale Carnegie’s adage, “show sincere interest and people
will talk,” only goes so far. As they say in poker, “it takes jacks or
better to open.” And in conversation, it takes cursory knowledge
or better about their ﬁeld to get them to really open up. You must
have knowledgeable curiosity, the kind that makes you sound like
you’re worth talking to.
In this section, we explore techniques that are “Open Sesames”
to get people gabbing with you like an insider.
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Whenever friends visit my hometown, New York City, I warn
them “Never ask anyone riding in the subway for directions.”
“Because I’ll get mugged?” they fearfully ask.
“No, just because you’ll never get where you’re going!” Most
Big Apple subway riders know only two things about the subway:
where they get on and where they get off. They know nothing about
the rest ofthe system. Most people are like NYC strap-hangers
when it comes to their hobbies and interests. They know their own
pastimes, but all the others are like unvisited stations.
My unmarried (and wishing she weren’t) friend Rita has a bad
case ofbowler’s thumb. Every Wednesday night she’s bowling up
a storm with her friends. She is forever discussing her scores, her
averages, and her high game. Another single and searching friend
Walter is into white-water rafting. He talks endlessly with his pad-
dling friends about which rivers he’s run, which outﬁtters he’s gone
with, and which class rapids he prefers. Thinking my two single
friends might hit it off, I introduced Walter the paddler to Rita
the bowler and mentioned their respective passions.
“Oh you’re a bowler!” said Walter.
“Yes,” Rita smiled demurely, awaiting more questions about
her big bowling turn-on. Walter was silent.
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or Woman
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Masking her disappointment, Rita said, “Uh, Leil tells me
you’re into water rafting.” Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further
friendly interrogation on paddling. “Uh, that must be exciting.
Isn’t it dangerous?” was the best Rita could do.
“No, it’s not dangerous,” Walter patronizingly responded to
her typical outsider’s question. Then the conversation died.
During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, ifRita
had run just one river, ifWalter had bowled just one game, their
lives might be different now. Conversation could have ﬂowed, and
who knows what else might have ﬂowered.
Go Fly a Kite!
The “Scramble Therapy” technique is salvation from such disap-
pointing encounters. It will transform you into a modern-day
Renaissance man or woman who comfortably can discuss a vari-
ety ofinterests.
Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and
participating in an activity you’d never think ofindulging in. Just
one out ofevery four weekends, do something totally out ofyour
pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend,
go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a ten-
nis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies this time.
Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you were planning on run-
ning some rapids like you do every warm weekend? Forget it, go
bowling.
Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go balloon-
ing. Go bird-watching. Go to a pool hall. Go kayaking. Go ﬂy a
kite! Why? Because it will give you conversational fodder for the
rest ofyour life. From that weekend on, you’ll sound like an
insider with all the hikers, stamp collectors, ballooners, birders,
billiards players, kayakers, and kitists you ever meet. Just by doing
their activity once.
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Ifyou take a piece ofblue litmus paper and dip it in a huge
vat ofacid, the tip turns pink. Ifyou take another blue litmus paper
and dip it into just one minuscule drop ofacid on a glass slide, the
tip turns just as pink. Compare this to participating in an activity
just one time. A sampling gives you 80 percent ofthe conversa-
tional value. You learn the insider’s questions to ask. You start using
the right terms. You’ll never be at a loss again when the subject of
extracurricular interests comes up—which it always does.
Do You Speak Scuba?
I’m not a certiﬁed scuba diver. However, six years ago in Bermuda
I saw a sign: “Resort Dives, $25, no Scuba experience necessary.”
In just three hours, I received the best crash course in talking with
scuba divers the world offers.
First I was given a quick lesson in the pool. Then, struggling
to stay erect under the weight ofmy oxygen tank, regulator, buoy-
ancy compensator, and weight belt, I went clumping out to the
dive boat. Sitting there on the rocking dinghy, fondling my mask
and ﬁns like worry beads, I overheard the certiﬁed divers asking
each other insider questions:
“Where were you
certiﬁed
?”
“Where have you
dived
?”
“Do you prefer
wrecks
or
reefs
?”
“Ever done any
night diving
?”
“Are you into
underwater photography
?”
“Do you dive on a
computer
?”
“What’s your longest
bottom time
?”
“Did you ever get the
bends
?”
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Why the italicized words? Those are scuba lingo. I now speak
scuba. To this day, whenever I meet divers, I have the right ques-
tions to ask and subjects to discuss. And the right ones to avoid.
(Like how much I like seafood. That’s like telling a cat lover how
much you love tender barbecued kitten.) I can now ask my new
friends which ofthe scuba hot spots they’ve been to—Cozumel,
Cayman, Cancun. Then, ifI want to really show off, I ask if
they’ve been to Truk Lagoon in the Far Paciﬁc, the Great Barrier
Reefin Australia, or the Red Sea.
All the insider terms now roll comfortably offmy tongue.
Before my Scramble Therapy experience I’d be calling their
beloved wrecks and reefs “sunken ships” and “coral.” Under-
standable words, but not scuba words. Not insider words. Upon
meeting a scuba diver, I probably would have asked, “Oh scuba
diving. That must be interesting. Uh, aren’t you afraid ofsharks?”
Not a good way to get offon the right ﬁn with a diver.
Think about it! Suppose at a dinner party, the table conversa-
tion turns to scuba diving. Ifyou, too, had done your one-time-
only dive, you’d ask your diving dinner companion ifhe likes night
diving or whether he prefers diving on wrecks or reefs. (He’ll never
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #38
Scramble Therapy
Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d
never dream ofdoing. Participate in a sport, go to an
exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of
your experience. You get 80 percent ofthe right lingo
and insider questions from just one exposure.
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believe it when you tell him the deepest water you’ve ever sub-
merged yourselfin is your own bathtub.)
Then you turn to the bungee jumper seated on your left and
ask him, “Do you prefer chest-waist jumps or ankle jumps?” Ifthe
conversation then changes to tennis, or martial arts, or chess, or
coin collecting, or even bird-watching, you can keep up and keep
the conversation going. What a guy! What a gal!
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Even more insidious than hobby-talk is job-speak, or “Jobbledy-
gook.” I still harbor social nightmares ofthe evening I attended a
party thrown by a couple who worked in computer database man-
agement. As I walked in the door, I overheard one chap saying to
another, “When the domain relational calculus is restricted to safe
expressions, it’s equivalent to the turple relational. . . .”
That’s all I stayed around for. I knew I wasn’t going to under-
stand one bit or byte ofconversation the rest ofthe evening. It
made me long for the days when a mouse meant the furry little
fellow who loves cheese, windows were the kind you bought
drapes for, and the web was something spiders trapped ﬂies in. I
knew I was going to need some technical support ifI was going
to be compatible with this crowd.
I decided then and there to learn some ofthe opening ques-
tions database management types ask each other. Which I did.
Now I can’t wait for a second chance at that crowd because I’m
armed with questions like “What raid level are you using?” and
“What data warehousing product do you use?”
All you need are a few insider opening questions to get you
started with any group. You ask questions, listen to the responses,
and indulge in elementary on-target conversation with them for a
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moment or two about their ﬁeld. (Then change the subject ASAP!
You don’t want to fake you are more knowledgeable about their
ﬁeld than you really are.)
It’s All in the Opening Question
A tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your
opening serve how good a player you are. Is it going to be great
playing with you or a real bore? It’s the same in communicating.
Just from your verbal opening serve, someone knows ifit’s going
to be interesting talking with you about their life or interests—or
dull, dull, dull.
For example, suppose I’m introduced to someone and the ﬁrst
words out ofher mouth are, “Oh, you’re a writer. When are you
going to write the great American novel?” Yikes, I know I’m talk-
ing with someone who is unfamiliar with my world. We’ll chat, but
I prefer to change the subject. And soon, my conversation partner.
If, however, my new acquaintance says, “Oh you’re a writer.
Do you write ﬁction or nonﬁction?” Bingo! Now I know I’m with
a person who knows about my world. Why? Because that is the
ﬁrst question all writers ask each other. I enjoy talking to this
inquisitor because I presume she has more insights into the writ-
ing world. Even ifwe quickly get offthe subject ofwriting, she
has come across as a well-informed individual.
Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening ques-
tions that everybody in the same ﬁeld asks—and its dumb out-
sider questions that they never ask each other. When an astronaut
meets another astronaut, he asks, “What missions have you been
on?” (Never “How do you go to the bathroom up there?”) A den-
tist asks another dentist, “Are you in general practice or do you
have a specialty?” (Never “Heard any good pain jokes lately?”)
The good news is beginning Jobbledygook is an easy language.
You don’t need to master buzzwords, only a few opening questions
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to make you sound like an insider. Then—here’s the fun part—
when you tell them you’re not connected to their ﬁeld, they’re all
the more impressed. “What a knowledgeable person!” they say to
themselves.
“Help! Everybody There Will Be
an Artist”
It’s not hard to harvest good Jobbledygook. Let’s say you’ve been
invited to a gallery opening where you’ll be meeting many artists.
Ifyou don’t speak artist, go through your Rolodex to see ifyou
have an artist friend or two.
Aha, you found one. Well, sort of. Your friend Sally attended
art school. You call her up and ask, “Sally, I know this sounds silly
but I’ve been invited to an event where I’m bound to be talking
with a lot ofartists. Could you give me a few good questions to
ask?” Sally might ﬁnd your query a tad unusual, but your diligence
should impress her.
Maybe she’ll say, “Well, ask artists what medium they work in.”
“Medium?” you ask.
“Sure,” she’ll tell you. “That’s the insider’s way to ask ifthey
work with acrylics, oil, charcoal, pen, and so forth.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t ask artists to describe their work,” she warns. “They
feel theirs is a visual medium that can’t be described.”
“Oh.”
“And don’t ask them iftheir work is in a gallery.”
“Oh?”
“That could be a sore point. Instead ask ‘Is there anyplace I
might see your work?’ They’ll love that because, even ifthey’re
not represented by a gallery, they can invite you to their studio to
possibly buy their work.”
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That’s all you need to get started—two good opening art
questions and a warning against the most-asked dumb outsider
question.
Let’s say you’ve given a great opening serve with the right
question on their job. You’ve slammed a swift ball dead center into
their conversational court. Happily, thinking they’re with an ace
player, they answer your question. Then they put a little spin on
the ball and send it lobbing right back into your court and it’s time
for a follow-up question. Whoops, what to do now?
Ifyou don’t want to come out ofthe bluffer’s closet just yet,
you must master the next technique, “Baring Their Hot Button.”
How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby153
Technique #39
Learn a Little Jobbledygook
Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language.
What is Jobbledygook? It’s the language ofother
professions.
Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider.
How do you learn it? You’ll ﬁnd no Jobbledygook
cassettes in the language section ofyour bookstore, but
the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who
speaks the lingo ofthe crowd you’ll be with to teach
you a few opening questions. The words are few and
the rewards are manifold.
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My friend John, a physician, recently married a charming Japa-
nese woman, Yamika. John told me the ﬁrst time they were invited
to a party to meet many ofJohn’s colleagues, Yamika was panic-
stricken. She wanted to make a good impression, yet she was tense
about talking to American doctors. John was the only one she’d
ever met, and during their romance they didn’t spend a whole lot
oftime discussing medicine.
John told her, “Don’t worry about it, Yami. They all ask each
other the same old questions. When you meet them, just ask,
‘What’s your specialty’ and ‘Are you afﬁliated with a hospital?’
“Then, to get into deeper conversation,” he continued, “throw
out questions like ‘How’s your relationship with your hospital?’ or
‘How’s the current medical environment affecting you?’ These are
hot issues with doctors because everything’s changing in health
care.”
John said Yamika delivered the lines verbatim. She circulated
the party asking the various doctors’ specialties and inquiring
about their afﬁliations and relationships with their hospitals. As a
result, she was the hit ofthe party. Many ofJohn’s colleagues later
congratulated him on having found such a charming and insight-
ful woman.
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Doc-Talk)
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Getting the Real Grabber
It’s not just doctors. Every profession has concerns that are all the
buzz within the industry. The rest ofthe world, however, knows
little about these ﬁxations. For example, independent booksellers
constantly complain that big superstore chains are taking over the
industry. Accountants lie awake nights worrying about liability
insurance for faulty audits. And dentists grind their teeth over
OSHA and EPA regulations. Oh, us writers, too. We’re always
bellyaching about magazines not paying us for electronic rights to
our precious words.
Suppose some hapless soul were unlucky enough to ﬁnd him-
selfin a party ofwriters. Making conversation with these folks
(who seldom know what they think until they see what they say)
is no easy task for one who is accustomed to communicating in
the spoken word. However, ifbefore the party the nonwriter had
called just one writer acquaintance and asked about the burning
issues, he’d have had hot conversation with the wordsmiths all eve-
ning. I call the technique “Baring Their Hot Button.”
Back to the art show you’re about to attend. You can’t let Sally
hang up yet. She’s given you the two best opening questions for
How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary Doc-Talk)155
Technique #40
Baring Their Hot Button
Before jumping blindly into a bevy ofbookbinders or a
drove ofdentists, ﬁnd out what the hot issues are in
their ﬁelds. Every industry has burning concerns the
outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to
bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation
up, push those buttons.
04 (143-170B) part four 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 155
artists. But don’t let her go until you get the real conversational
grabber. Ask her the hottest issues going on in the art world. She
might think a minute and then say, “Well, there’s always art prices.”
“Art prices?” you ask.
“Yes,” she explains. “For example, in the 1980s the art world
was very market-driven. Prices went sky-high because some
investors and status seekers paid exorbitant amounts. We feel that
kind oftook art away from the masses.”
Wow, now you’re really armed with some good insider art talk!
See You at the Big One!
While you’re at it, don’t forget to grill your informant for special
insider greetings to use when you’re with their gang. For example,
actresses cringe ifthey hear “good luck” before a show, but they
smile at well-wishers who say “Break a leg!”
“Break a leg,” however, is not appropriate for runners before
a marathon. That’s the last thought they want to have! The only
thing they want to break is their personal record. Try “Have a per-
sonal best!”
Fireﬁghters who work on shift seldom see each other except,
ofcourse, at the biggest blazes. Thus the ﬁreﬁghters’ greeting “See
ya at the big one!”
Once, driving in a sleepy town you’d have to work at getting
lost in, I succeeded. I was hopelessly turned around. Happily, I
spotted the ﬁrehouse and a couple ofbored ﬁreﬁghters lounging
out front.
“Excuse me, can you tell me the way back to Route 50?” I
called out the window. I could tell from their attitude they thought
I was an idiot. Nevertheless, they lethargically pointed me in the
right direction. As I drove off, I called out, “Thanks guys, see ya
at the big one!” In the rearview mirror I saw huge smiles break out
on their faces as they stood up in unison and waved good-bye. The
disoriented dizzy blond driving offhad won their respect with
their insider salute.
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How to Secretly Learn
About Their Lives
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41
Let’s say your paper carrier has just hurled the newspaper from his
bike to your front door. You pour a cup ofcoffee and get com-
fortable to catch up on what’s happening in the world. Your world,
that is. Do you ﬂip ﬁrst to the international news? The fashion sec-
tion? The sports page? The entertainment section? Maybe the
comics?
Whichever section you usually ﬂip to ﬁrst, tomorrow DON’T.
Turn to any other section, preferably one you hardly ever read.
Why? Because it will familiarize you with other worlds so that you
can soon discuss anything with anybody, no matter how little you
have in common.
How about the real estate section? Yawn. Maybe you don’t
ﬁnd real estate especially engrossing. However, sooner or later
you’re going to ﬁnd yourselfwith a group ofpeople who are dis-
cussing properties, deals, and today’s market. Scanning the real
estate section just once every few weeks will keep you au courant
with their conversation.
The advertising column? Maybe you think the world would
be a far, far better place without Madison Avenue. But your bot-
tom line won’t be better offifyou can’t hold your own discussing
matters with the marketing maven you’ve just contracted to adver-
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How to Talk to Anyone
tise your company’s widgets. Just a few peeks at the advertising
news section and you’ll soon be chatting about campaigns and cre-
ative people, and doing print or TV. Instead ofsaying
words
, you’ll
be saying
copy
. Instead ofthe
agency
, you’ll be bandying about real
insider terms like the
shop
.
Using outsider words is one ofthe biggest giveaways that you
are not in the know. On the ship, ifa passenger asked any ofmy
staff, “How long have you been working on the boat?” they’d
squelch a groan. Cruise staffers proudly worked on a ship, and the
word
boat
revealed the passenger as a real landlubber.
The right word can perform conversational miracles. In the
receiving line, whenever passengers asked our laconic captain,
“When did you ﬁrst become a master?” or “What was your ﬁrst
command?” he would hold up the entire line ofpeople snaking
around the ballroom waiting to shake his hand. Captain Caﬁero
would enthusiastically recount his naval history to the savvy
inquirer who might have just learned the words
master
or
com-
mand
last week in the newspaper shipping notices.(Ifthe passen-
ger had simply said, “How long have you been a captain?” or
“What was your ﬁrst boat?” he or she would have gotten the cap-
tain’s usual Italian gentleman’s version ofthe bum’s rush.)
Soon you’ll become addicted to the high that establishing rap-
port with so many people gives you. All it takes is reading differ-
ent sections ofthe newspaper.
Pump Their Pulp for Even More Fuel
Then, when you crave a bigger hit ofinsider lingo, start reading
trade journals. Those are the closed-circulation magazines that go
to members ofvarious industries. Ask your friends in different jobs
to lend you one so you’ll have even more fuel for the conversa-
tional ﬁre.
All industries have one or two. You’ll see big glossy rags with
names like
Automotive News
,
Restaurant Business
,
Pool and Spa
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News
,
Trucking Industry
, and even
Hogs Today
for people in the pig
business. (Excuse me, they call themselves “swine practitioners.”
Hey, you never know when, to make your next big sale, it will help
to speak pig.) Any one issue will give you a sample oftheir lingo
and inform you ofthe hottest issues in that ﬁeld.
When it comes to people’s hobbies and interests, browse
through magazines on running, working out, bicycling, skiing,
swimming, and surﬁng. Large magazine stores carry biker rags,
boxer rags, bowler rags, even bull-riding rags. You’ll ﬁnd thousands
ofspecial-interest magazines published every month.
Several years ago, I got hooked on buying a different one each
week. It paid offquickly when a potential consulting client invited
me to dinner at her home. She had a beautiful garden and, thanks
to
Flower and Garden Magazine
, I could throw out insider terms
like
ornamentals
,
annuals
, and
perennials
. I could even keep up
when the discussion turned to the advantages ofgrowing from
seeds or bulbs.
Because I was so ﬂuent in “ﬂower,” she invited me to take a
longer walk with her to see her private back gardens. As we
How to Secretly Learn About Their Lives159
Technique #41
Read Their Rags
Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer,
or skier? Are you attending a social function ﬁlled with
accountants or Zen Buddhists—or anything in between?
There are untold thousands ofmonthly magazines
serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more
information than you’ll ever need to sound like an
insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve
their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of
Zoonooz
yet?)
04 (143-170B) part four 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 159
strolled, I gradually changed the subject from chrysanthemums to
the consulting work I could do for her company. Who was lead-
ing whom down the garden path?
Is the world getting smaller, or are we getting bigger? Today’s
Renaissance man or woman is comfortable and conﬁdent any-
where. The next technique helps you be an insider wherever you
ﬁnd yourselfon the planet, and it saves you from fulﬁlling the
world’s fantasy of“the ugly American.”
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Say you’re traveling abroad on business and you want to be a
“global insider.” What’s the ﬁrst thing on your to-do list? Get a
passport and a phrase book, right? After all, who wants to wander
around Rome not knowing how to ask for a restroom? Or be
thirsty in Kuala Lumpur not knowing how to ask for a soda? How-
ever, there’s something most ofus forget to pack, often with dire
consequences—a book on international customs.
A friend ofmine, a fellow speaker named Geraldine, was
excited about her ﬁrst speech in Japan. To be comfy on her long
ﬂight to Tokyo, she donned her favorite designer jeans and a casual
jacket. Fourteen hours and 6,737 miles later, four impeccably
dressed Japanese gentlemen greeted her at Narita Airport. Smil-
ing and bowing low, they handed her their business cards. With
her carry-on bag in one hand, Geri took their cards with the other.
She thanked them, glanced brieﬂy at the cards, and packed them
safely into her back pocket. She then pulled one ofher business
cards out ofher purse and, sensitive to the fact that they might
have difﬁculty pronouncing Geraldine, wrote her nickname “Geri”
above her printed name. The gentlemen hovered over her card,
turning it over to examine it a few times, before one ofthem put
it in his briefcase.
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How to Talk to Anyone
When the ﬁve ofthem arrived at the hotel, they invited Geri
for tea in the lobby. While sipping tea, the gentlemen presented
her with a small gift which she eagerly opened. One ofGeri’s most
charming qualities is her instinctive warmth and effusiveness. She
was thrilled with the gift and, in typical Geri style, she squealed,
“Oh, it’s beautiful!” as she gave each ofthe gentlemen a little hug.
At this point, the four Japanese gentlemen stood up in uni-
son like four frowning Siamese twins and, bowing only very
slightly, mumbled “Sayonara” and promptly left. Poor Geri was
ﬂabbergasted. What did she do wrong?
Everything! First, the jeans. Even ifyou’re coming offa bicy-
cle in Asia, you do not meet clients casually dressed. The second
mistake was Geri’s vulgar handling oftheir business cards. In Asia,
the business card is one ofthe most important protocol tools. It
is always presented and accepted reverently with both hands.
(Except in Moslem Asia where the left hand is considered
unclean.)
Geri then put their cards away much too quickly. In Asia, peo-
ple use business cards as a conversation starter. You chat about each
other’s cards and work and do not put theirs away until they gen-
tly and respectfully place yours in safekeeping. Shoving it into her
back jeans pocket was the ultimate disrespect.
Geri didn’t discover her fourth gaffe until she returned home.
One ofher colleagues Bill, a seasoned business traveler, analyzed
the ﬁasco for her. Bill told her the reason the gentlemen had turned
Geraldine’s card over and over when she gave it to them at the air-
port was to ﬁnd her name, title, and company printed in Japanese
on the other side. The ﬂip side ofGeri’s card was, ofcourse, blank.
Then, ﬁfth horror ofhorrors, Geri should not have written on
the card. Cards in Asia are not exactly sacred, but one should never
deface them with messy handwriting.
The sad tale ofGeri and the Japanese gets worse. Bill broke
the bad news to her: she should not have opened the gift in front
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ofher clients. Why? Because in a land where saving face is criti-
cal, it would be embarrassing to discover the gift they gave was
not as nice as the one they received. (Yikes, Geri hadn’t even given
them a gift!) Gaffe number seven.
Geri’s little squeal when receiving the gift was also a boo-boo.
In Asia, the lower the tone ofvoice, the higher the rank. The ﬁnal
ﬂub was, ofcourse, giving the gentlemen a thank-you hug. Hug-
ging, highly revered in certain parts ofthe world is, in Japan, abso-
lutely unacceptable with a new client.
Needless to say, Geri has not been invited back to Japan.
However, she does have a gig coming up in El Salvador. This time
she’s smart. She’s studying up on the customs there. Happily, she’s
ﬁnding she can hug to her heart’s content. However she shouldn’t
use her (or anybody else’s) ﬁrst name. Oh, and she must not intro-
duce herselfas an “American.” After all, Salvadorans are Ameri-
cans, too!
The differences ’round the world go on and on. Whenever I
travel, I have to hit myselfover the head and realize I’m not in the
anything-goes ol’ USA. I love to travel in jeans, I’m an incurable
hugger, and I can’t wait to see what’s in a gift box anybody gives
me. However, whenever I plan to leave Uncle Sam’s shores, I check
on foreign customs to see how much ofmyselfI can be.
How to Talk When You’re in Other Countries163
Technique #42
Clear “Customs”
Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on
dos and taboos around the world. Before you shake
hands, give a gift, make gestures, or even compliment
anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum
up your entire gig.
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There are some excellent books on international customs.
You’ll ﬁnd the names ofa few in the notes.17–19
Don’t be like another hapless colleague ofmine who almost
blew a big business deal with a Brazilian. Just before signing the
contract, he gave the OK sign with his thumb and foreﬁnger. Lit-
tle did he know he was telling his new business partner to go have
intercourse with himself. You never know until it’s too late.
Now we come to where being an insider shows immediate,
tangible, and calculable rewards. And where being an outsider
really hurts—right in your pocket or purse.
164
How to Talk to Anyone
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Never underestimate human ingenuity when it comes to getting
what you want. Many people expand the adage, “All’s fair in love
and war” to “All is fair in love, war, and buying what I want.” To
get a table at a posh restaurant on a busy night, using a celebrity
name is an old ploy. My favorite maître d’ told me he gets a lot of
Robert De Niros phoning in a reservation. When their party of
six or eight arrives, he hears, “I’m so sorry, Rob wasn’t feeling well
this evening.”
One woman, frustrated when her fake celebrity name didn’t
work, shouted at him, “Look, who the hell do I have to be to get a
table? I’ll be anyone you want me to be, Goldie Hawn, StefﬁGraf,
Fergie—just tell me.” Some people try a last-minute approach.
They simply walk up to the maître d’ at an overbooked restaurant,
point to any name on the reservation book and say, “That’s us.”
You’ll witness the same cunning at overbooked hotels. Several
months ago I was checking into a popular hotel for which, fortu-
nately, I had a conﬁrmed reservation. A loudmouthed man in front
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How to Talk Them into
Getting the “Insider’s
Price” (on Practically
Anything You Buy)
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How to Talk to Anyone
ofme in line shouted at the desk clerk, “Whaddaya mean, no room?
I’m staying in this hotel tonight. Ifyou don’t have a room, I’m sleep-
ing right here on the ﬂoor.” His temper tantrum was not working.
“And I warn you,” he continued, “I sleep in the nude!”
He got a room.
These crafty childish tactics are not recommended. Rather, I
suggest a more principled technique called “Blufﬁng for Bargains.”
It was born one afternoon sitting with an insurance broker Mr.
Carson. He was trying to sell me a homeowner’s policy. Ofcourse
I wanted the most coverage for the least cash. Carson was a
smooth operator and he was patiently explaining to me in layman’s
terms the beneﬁts ofcertain riders he was pushing.
Just as he started discussing disasters like wars and hurricanes,
his phone rang. With apologies, he picked up the receiver. It was
one ofhis colleagues. Suddenly a metamorphosis took place before
my eyes. The sophisticated salesman became a palsy-walsy, regu-
lar, down-home kinda guy chatting it up with his old buddy about
umbrellas. I thought they were discussing the weather.
Then the conversation turned to ﬂoaters. I now assumed they
were talking about an eye problem. It took a while for me to real-
ize that umbrella policies and ﬂoaters were part ofthe insurancese
they were speaking.
A few minutes later, Carson said, “Yeah, OK, so long, buddy,”
and put the phone down. He cleared his throat and again trans-
mogriﬁed back into the formal sales agent patiently deﬁning dam-
ages and deductibles to a naïve client.
Sitting there listening to bafﬂegab like
subrogation
and
pro
rata liability
, I began to ponder, “IfCarson’s colleague who just
called wanted to buy insurance, he would have gotten a much
better policy, much cheaper.” In practically every industry, ven-
dors give two prices on goods or services—one to insiders and
one to you and me.
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Before I let myselfget angry about this, I thought it through.
Is it unfair? Not really. Ifthe vendor doesn’t have to spend time
being salesman or psychologist answering the endless stream of
novice questions, he can afford to give his best price. Carson
wouldn’t have had to take twenty minutes explaining to his col-
league (as he did to me) why, ifa tornado takes your house, it’s
considered “an act ofGod.” Therefore, you lose. When knowl-
edgeable associates buy products, the vendor is happily reduced to
nothing more than a purchasing agent. For very little work, he
makes a small proﬁt and is satisﬁed.
A little bit ofknowledge goes a long way when you’re buying
something. Ifyou have insight into your real estate broker’s bot-
tom line, he’s more apt to give you the better price. Ifyou are facile
with the insider words caterers and car salesmen use to pad their
proﬁts, ifyou’re savvy to techniques moving companies and
mechanics use to bilk the unsuspecting, ifyou are on the lookout
for lawyers’ methods offattening fees—in short, ifyou know the
ropes, you will not get ripped off. You don’t need to know a lot,
just a few insider terms. The pro assumes, since you are conver-
sant in some esoteric industry terms, you also know the best deal
and rock-bottom price.
No one put it better than my housepainter, Iggy. “Sure,” he
told me, “you gotta know how to talk to a painter. Not me, but a
lotta them other guys, they’re gonna get whatever they can. It’s only
human nature. Especially ifyou’re a woman and you deal with ’em
smart, like I’m gonna tell you how, their hair will stand on end.
They’ll say to themselves, ‘Hey, dis is no babe in the woods. I bet-
ter deal straight.’”
“OK, Iggy, how?”
He said, “Tell them guys, ‘Look the walls need very little prep-
ping. You’re not going to have to spend much time scraping and
spackling. It’s a clean job.’” Iggy told me these few sentences alone
How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s Price”167
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can save you hundreds ofdollars. Why? Right away the painter
knows you know the score and that the most time-consuming part
for him is preparing the surface (prepping in painterese). There-
fore, it’s his biggest markup item.
“Then,” Iggy continued, “when you tell ’em there will be no
cutting in [painting two colors next to each other], your price goes
down again. Be sure and tell ’em not to leave any holidays
[unpainted or sparsely painted spots] and you get a more careful
job.” I’m only sorry I don’t have an Iggy in every ﬁeld to give me
a crash course in how to deal.
How to Deal When There’s No Iggy
in Your Life
Here’s how to get the best price and the best deal from anyone.
Find your Iggy Informer. Ifyou have a friend in the business, get
the lingo from him. Ifnot, instead ofgoing straight to the vendor
you want to buy from, visit several others ﬁrst. Talk with them.
Learn a little lingo from each.
For instance, suppose you want to buy a diamond. Instead of
going right to your favorite jewelry shop and asking dumbbell dia-
mond questions, go to the competition. Make friends with the
salesclerk and pick up a few gems ofdiamondese. You’ll learn jew-
elers say
stones
, not diamonds. When you’re talking about the top
ofthe stone, they say
table
; the widest part is the
girdle
; the bot-
tom is the
cutlet
. Ifthe stone looks
yellow
, don’t say yellow, say
cape
. Ifyou see ﬂaws, don’t say
ﬂaws
, say
inclusions
or
gletz
. Ifyou
still don’t like the stone, don’t say “I’d like to see something
bet-
ter
,” say
ﬁner
. (Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way the diamond
crowd talks.)
Then, when you’ve got your lingo down, go to where you
want to buy. Because you now speak diamond, you get a much
better price.
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Soon you’ll be asking furriers where the skins were dressed,
moving companies for their ICC performance record, and lawyers
the hourly rate ofparalegals and associates. Then these folks, like
Iggy the painter, will say to themselves, “Hey, dis is no babe in the
woods—I better deal straight.”
Let us now delve deeper into the world ofbeing an insider.
This time we explore how to give your conversation partner the
sense that you share not only experiences but the heavy stuff. You
share beliefs and values in life.
How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s Price”169
Technique #43
Bluffing for Bargains
The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are
alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket
items. Your price is much lower when you know how
to deal.
Before every big purchase, ﬁnd several vendors—a
few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a
few words ofindustryese, you’re ready to head for the
store where you’re going to buy.
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171
PARTFIVE
How to Sound
LikeYou’re Peas
in a Pod
“Why, We’re Just Alike!”
Ifyou squint your eyes and look up carefully at a ﬂight ofbirds,
you’ll see ﬁnches ﬂying with ﬁnches, swallows soaring with swal-
lows, and yellow birds winging it with yellow birds. The avian
apartheid escalates. You’ll never see a barn swallow with a bank
swallow, or even a yellow bird hanging out with a yellow ﬁnch.
Somebody said it shorter: Birds ofa feather ﬂock together.
Happily, humans are smarter than birds. In one respect, at
least: we have brains capable ofovercoming bias. Really smart
human beings work together, play together, and break bread
together. Does that mean their comfort level is high? Well, that
depends on the human being. Our purpose here is not to exam-
ine the absurdity ofapartheid. It is to leave no stone unturned in
making sure people are completely comfortable doing business or
pleasure with you.
It has been proven beyond a doubt, people are most recep-
tive to those they feel have the same values in life. In one study,
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individuals were ﬁrst given a personality and beliefs test.20They
were then paired offwith a partner and told to go spend time
together. Before meeting, halfthe couples were told they were very
similar in beliefs to their partner. The other halfwere told they
were dissimilar. Neither statement was true.
However, when quizzed afterward on how much they liked
each other, partners who believed they were similar liked each
other a lot more than the couples who thought themselves to be
dissimilar, demonstrating we have a predisposition toward people
we believe are just like us. We are most comfortable giving our
business and friendship to those we feel share our values and
beliefs in life. To that end I offer six techniques to create sensa-
tions ofsimilarity with everyone you wish.
Along with making more profound rapport with customers,
friends, and associates, using the following techniques develops a
deeper understanding and empathy with people ofall races and
backgrounds. It also opens doors that might otherwise be closed
to you.
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Just like the ﬁnch ﬂaps its wings faster than the gliding eagle, peo-
ple ofdifferent backgrounds move differently. For example, West-
erners used to the wide-open plains stand farther from each other.
Easterners, systematically sardined into subways and crowded
busses, stand closer. Asian Americans make modest movements.
Italian Americans make massive ones.
At teatime, the ﬁnishing-school set genuﬂects and gracefully
lowers derrieres onto the sofa. When the ladies reach for a cup,
they hold the saucer in one hand and the cup in the other, pinkie
ever so slightly extended. Folks who never ﬁnished any manners
school make a fanny dive in the middle ofthe sofa and clutch the
cup with both hands.
Is one right? Is the other wrong? No. However, top commu-
nicators know when doing business with a derriere-dipping pinkie
extender or a fanny-plopping, two-ﬁsted mug grabber, they darn
well should do the same. People feel comfortable around people
who move just like they do.
I have a friend who travels the country giving an outrageous
seminar called “How to Marry the Rich.” Genie was once in a Las
Vegas casino when a television reporter asked ifshe could tell the
real rich from the great pretenders.
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Same “Class”
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“Ofcourse,” Genie answered.
“All right,” challenged the reporter. “Who is the wealthiest
man in this room?” Convened at the next table were three men in
tailored suits (Hayward ofMayfair, London, no doubt), hand-
made shirts (Charvet ofPlace Vendôme in Paris, no doubt), and
sipping scotch (single-malt Laphroaig from the Scottish island of
Islay, no doubt). The reporter, naturally, assumed Genie would
choose one ofthese likely candidates.
Instead, with the scrutiny ofa hunting dog, Genie’s eyes
scanned the room. Like a trained basset hound, she instinctively
pointed a long red ﬁngernail at a fellow in torn jeans at a corner
table. She murmured, “He’s very rich.”
Flabbergasted, the reporter asked Genie, “How can you tell?”
“He moves like old money,” she said. “You see,” Genie went
on to explain, “there’s moving like old money. There’s moving like
new money. And there’s moving like no money.” Genie could tell
the unlikely chap in the corner was obviously sitting on big assets
and all because ofthe way he moved.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #44
Be a Copyclass
Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small
movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid?
Old? Young? Classy? Trashy?
Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance
instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover?
Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of
movement. That makes your conversation partner
subliminally real comfy with you.
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They’re Buying You, Too
Ifyou’re in sales, copy not only your customer’s class but the class
ofyour product as well. I live in a section ofNew York City called
Soho, which is a few blocks above the famous-for-being-trashy
Canal Street. Often, clutching my purse tightly and dodging the
crowds on Canal Street, I’ll pass a pickpocket-turned-salesman-
for-the-day. He furtively looks around and ﬂashes a greasy hand-
kerchiefat me with a piece ofjewelry on it. “Psst, wanna buy a
gold chain?” His nervous thief’s demeanor alone could get him
arrested.
Now, about sixty blocks uptown, you’ll ﬁnd the fashionable
and very expensive Tiffany’s jewelry store. Occasionally, clutching
my fantasies ofbeing able to afford something therein, I stroll
through the huge gilt doors. Imagine one ofthe impeccably
dressed sales professionals behind the beveled glass counters
furtively looking around and saying to me, “Psst, wanna buy a
diamond?”
No sale!
Match your personality to your product. Selling handmade
suits? A little decorum please. Selling jeans? A little cool, please.
Selling sweat suits? A little sporty, please. And so on for whatever
you’re selling. Remember, you are your customers’ buying experi-
ence. Therefore you are part ofthe product they’re buying.
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Have you ever been gabbing with a new acquaintance and, after a
few moments, you’ve said to yourself, “This person and I think
alike! We’re on the same wavelength.” It’s a fabulous feeling, almost
like falling in love.
Lovers call it “chemistry.” New friends talk of“instant rap-
port,” and businesspeople say a “meeting ofminds.” Yet it’s the
same magic, that sudden sense ofwarmth and closeness, that
strange sensation of“Wow, we were old friends at once!”
When we were children, making friends was easier. Most of
the kids we met grew up in the same town and so they were on our
wavelength. Then the years went by. We grew older. We moved
away. Our backgrounds, our experiences, our goals, our lifestyles
became diverse. Thus, we fell offeach other’s wavelengths.
Wouldn’t it be great to have a magic surfboard to help you
hop right back on everybody’s wavelength whenever you wanted?
Here it is, a linguistic device that gets you riding on high rapport
with everyone you meet. Ifyou stand on a mountain cliffand
shout “hello-oh” across the valley, your identical “hello-oh” thun-
ders back at you. I call the technique “Echoing” because, like the
mountain, you echo your conversation partner’s precise words.
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It All Started Across the Ocean
In many European countries, you’ll hear ﬁve, ten, or more lan-
guages within the language. For example, in Italy, the Sicilians
from the south speak a dialect that seems like gobbledygook to
northern Italians. In an Italian restaurant, I once overheard a diner
discover his waiter was also from Udine, a town in northeastern
Italy where they speak the Friulano dialect. The diner stood up
and hugged the waiter like he was a long-lost brother. They started
babbling in a tongue that left the other Italian waiters shrugging.
In America we have dialects, too. We just aren’t conscious of
them. In fact we have thousands ofdifferent words, depending on
our region, our job, our interests, and our upbringing. Once, when
traveling across the country, I tried to order a soda like a Coke or
7-Up in a highway diner. It took some explaining before the wait-
ress understood I wanted what she called a “pop.” Perhaps because
the English-speaking world is so large, Americans have a wider
choice ofwords for the same old stuffthan any language I’ve
encountered.
Family members ﬁnd themselves speaking alike. Friends use
the same words, and associates in a company or members in a club
talk alike. Everyone you meet will have his or her own language
that subliminally distinguishes them from outsiders. The words
are all English, but they vary from area to area, industry to indus-
try, and even family to family.
The Linguistic Device That Says “We’re
on the Same Wavelength”
When you want to give someone the subliminal feeling you’re just
alike, use their words, not yours. Suppose you are selling a car to
a young mother who tells you she is concerned about safety
because she has a young “toddler.” When explaining the safety fea-
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tures ofthe car, use her word. Don’t use whatever word you call
your kids. Don’t even say
child-protection lock
, which was in your
sales manual. Tell your prospect, “No toddler can open the win-
dow because ofthe driver’s control device.” Even call it a
toddler-
protection lock
. When Mom hears toddler coming from your lips,
she feels you are “family” because that’s how all her relatives refer
to her little tyke. Suppose your prospect had said
kid
or
infant
.
Fine, echo any word she used. (Well, almost any word. Ifshe’d
said my
brat
, you might want to pass on Echoing this time.)
Echoing at Parties
Let’s say you are at a party. It’s a huge bash with many different
types ofpeople. You are ﬁrst chatting with a lawyer who tells you
her
profession
is often maligned. When it comes your turn to speak,
say
profession
too. Ifyou say
job
, it puts a subconscious barrier
between you.
Next you meet a construction worker who starts talking about
his
job
. Now you’re in trouble ifyou say, “Well, in my
profession
. . .” he’d think you were being hoity-toity.
After the lawyer and the construction worker, you talk to sev-
eral freelancers—ﬁrst a model, then a professional speaker, ﬁnally
a pop musician. All three ofthese folks will use different words for
their work. The model brags about her
bookings
. The professional
speaker might say
bookings
, but he is more apt to boast ofhis
speak-
ing engagements
. A pop musician might say, “Yeah, man, I get a lot
of
gigs
.” It’s tough to memorize what they all call their work. Just
keep your ears open and echo their word after they say it.
Echoing goes beyond job names. For example ifyou are chat-
ting with a boat owner and you call his boat an
it
, he labels you a
real landlubber. (He reverently refers to his beloved boat, of
course, as a
she
.) Ifyou listen carefully, you hear language sub-
tleties you never dreamed existed. Would you believe using the
wrong synonym for a seemingly uncomplicated word like
have
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labels you a know-nothing in somebody else’s world? For exam-
ple, cat lovers purr about
having
cats. But horse people would say
owning
horses. And ﬁsh folk don’t
own
ﬁsh. They talk about
keep-
ing
ﬁsh. Hey, no big deal. But ifyou use the wrong word, your
conversation partner will assume, correctly, that you are a stranger
in his or her hobbyland.
The Peril ofNot Echoing
Sometimes you lose out by not Echoing. My friend Phil and I were
talking with several guests at a party. One woman proudly told
the group about the wonderful new ski chalet she had just pur-
chased. She was looking forward to inviting her friends up to her
little chalet in the mountains.
“That’s wonderful,” said Phil, secretly hoping for an invita-
tion. “Where exactly is your cabin?” KERPLUNK! There went
Phil’s chances for an invitation to the lady’s chalet.
I couldn’t resist. After the conversation, I whispered to my
friend, “Phil, why did you insult that woman by calling her chalet
a
cabin
?” Phil scratched his head and said, “What do you mean
insult her?
Cabin
is a beautiful word. My family has a cabin in
Cape Cod and I grew up loving the word, the associations, the joy
ofa cabin.” (In other words, the connotations of
cabin
.) Well, ﬁne,
Phil. The word
cabin
may be beautiful to you, but obviously the
skier preferred the word
chalet
.
Professional Echoing
In today’s sales environment, customers expect salespeople to be
problem solvers, not just vendors. They feel you don’t grasp their
industry’s problems ifyou don’t speak their language.
I have a friend, Penny, who sells ofﬁce furniture. People in
publishing, advertising, broadcasting, and a few lawyers are among
her clients. Penny’s sales manual says
ofﬁce furniture
. However, she
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told me, ifshe used the word
ofﬁce
with all ofher clients, they’d
assume she knew nothing about their respective industries.
She told me her client, the purchasing ofﬁcer in advertising,
talks about his advertising
agency
. Penny’s publishing client says
publishing
house
. The lawyers talk about furniture for their
ﬁrm
,
and her radio clients use the word
station
instead of
ofﬁce
. “Hey,”
Penny says, “it’s their salt mine. They can call it whatever the heck
they please. And,” she added, “ifI want to make the sale, I’d bet-
ter call it the same thing.”
Echoing Is Politically Correct Insurance
Here’s a quiz: You’re talking with a pharmacist and you ask her,
“How long have you worked at the drugstore?” What’s wrong with
that question?
Give up? It’s the word
drugstore
. Pharmacists abhor the word
because it conjures up many industry problems. They’re used to
hearing it from outsiders, but it’s a tip-offthat they are unaware
of, or insensitive to, their professional problems. They prefer
pharmacy
.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #45
Echoing
Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a
powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice
ofnouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives—and echo
them back. Hearing their words come out ofyour
mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel
you share their values, their attitudes, their interests,
their experiences.
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Recently, at a reception, I introduced one ofmy friends,
Susan, as a day-care worker. Afterward Susan begged, “Leil, pul-
eeze do not call me a
day-care worker
. We’re
child-care workers
.”
Whoops! Time and recent history quickly make certain terms
archaic.
A group’s intense preference for one word is not arbitrary. Cer-
tain jobs, minorities, and special-interest groups often have a his-
tory the public is not sensitive to. When that history has too much
pain attached to it, people invent another word that doesn’t have
bitter connotations.
I have a dear friend, Leslie, who is in a wheelchair. She says
whenever anyone says the word
handicapped
, she cringes. Leslie
says it makes her feel less than whole. “We prefer you say
person
with a disability
.” She then gave a moving explanation. “We peo-
ple with disabilities are the same as every other able-bodied per-
son. We say
AB
,” she added. “ABs go through life with all the same
baggage we do. We just carry one extra piece, a disability.”
It’s simple. It’s effective. To show respect and make people feel
close to you, Echo their words. It makes you a more sensitive com-
municator—and keeps you out oftrouble every time.
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I recently had to make a presentation to ﬁfteen men in a corpo-
rate meeting. “OK,” I said to myselfas I stood up, “ﬁfteen Mar-
tians and one Venusian.” No problem! I’d read
Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus
. I’d explored neurological differences in
men’s and women’s brains. I knew all about gender-speciﬁc body-
language signals. Hey, I teach communications differences. I was
well prepared to talk to these men, get my point across, and fend
any questions.
Everything started out ﬁne. I’d conceived my presentation
clearly and concisely, developed each theme, and presented it ﬂaw-
lessly. Then, I sat down and conﬁdently invited questions and open
discussion.
That’s when it fell apart. All I remember is a horrifying bar-
rage ofquestions couched in football analogies.
“Do you think we dropped the ball on that one?” one man
asked.
“Yeah,” another responded. “But can we make a fumble
recovery?”
Those two I understood. However, when it got to pass cov-
erage and intentional grounding, I started to lose it. When one
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guy raved about a Hail Mary pass being needed to save the deal,
I suffered the ultimate humiliation. I had to ask, “Uh, what does
that mean?” The guys looked at each other knowingly and then
smiled condescendingly as they explained it to me.
That night I had sadistic fantasies ofﬁfteen women running
the company and one man left scratching his head as we bandied
about childbirth analogies.
“We won’t get his new proposal ’til the third trimester,”
reports the account exec.
“Yeah, but that’s six months away. Let’s get it by C-section,”
responds the comptroller.
“Why bother?” asks the marketing VP. “All his ideas are devel-
oped in vitro anyway.”
“I’m about to go into postpartum depression,” murmurs the
CEO. The lone male employee is left as confused and humiliated
as I was in the face offootball analogies.
Ahem, the aim ofthis book is not to feed ﬁendish fantasies,
but to improve communications. To that end, I offer the follow-
ing technique based on analogies, not just football analogies.
Because old-boy analogies are unsportsman-like conduct with the
girls.
On-Target Analogies Hit Bull’s-Eye
Analogies can be an effective communications tool—ifyou evoke
images from the life ofthe person you are talking to. Men don’t
use football analogies to obfuscate matters or to confuse women
but to clarify situations for each other. Analogies from the sport
bring situations to life for men because generally they watch more
football than women.
Moving on to other sports analogies: everyone knows what
the speaker means when he or she hears, “We’ll never strike out
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Really
Make It Clear to Them183
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with this solution.” Nevertheless, the image would be more com-
pelling to a baseball fan as would analogies like “caught on the ﬂy,”
“hitting the dirt,” “or throwing a spit ball.”
You’ve heard people say, “This solution is right on target.” We
all understand it. But the phrasing would be more dramatic for
archery enthusiasts. Ifyour listener were a bowler, speaking of
“gutter balls” or “big splits” would bring whatever you were dis-
cussing to life. Ifyour business buddies were basketball fans,
analogies like “hook shot” or “air ball” would land right in their
basket. Ifyour client wrestles, saying “feints” and “scissor holds”
would be the way to grab him.
These analogies might sound far-fetched to you. But they are
potent communications tools when they evoke your conversation
partner’s world. Why not use the most powerful terms possible to
get your point across and make the sale? I call the technique
“Potent Imaging.”
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #46
Potent Imaging
Does your customer have a garden? Talk about “sowing
the seeds for success.” Does your boss own a boat? Tell
him or her about a concept that will “hold water” or
“stay aﬂoat.” Maybe he is a private pilot? Talk about a
concept really “taking off.” She plays tennis? Tell her it
really hits the “sweet spot.”
Evoke your listener’s interests or lifestyle and weave
images around it. To give your points more power and
punch, use analogies from your listener’s world, not
your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you
think like them and hints you share their interests.
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Pardon me while I return momentarily to my sadistic fantasies
ofthe hopelessly confused lone male employee. The all-female
management team is now arguing the corporate strategy using,
not football ofcourse, but ballet analogies.
“I say let’s do the corporate takeover allegro,” she suggests.
“Nah, you gotta go adagio in these matters,” her colleague
responds.
“But what ifthey do a
tour jeté
while we’re poised in ﬁfth?”
“C’mon did you ever see a good pas seul from their president?”
The top woman settles it. “I say let’s just give him a little
révérence
, and then a
grand battement
in the balls.”
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While listening to someone talk, we often vocalize “uh huh” or
purr throaty little “umm” sounds to reassure the speaker we have
heard their words. In fact, with some it’s such a habit, the noises
escape their throats unconsciously. My friend Phil is a consum-
mate, constant, and incontinent “ummer” whenever I’m talking.
Occasionally, ifI’m feeling contentious after he’s given one ofhis
agreeable “umms” in response to something I’ve said, I challenge
him with, “OK, Phil, what did I say?”
“Uh, well, gosh . . .” Phil has no idea. It’s not his fault. He’s
male. Men are especially guilty ofthe not-really-listening umm
habit. Once, when I was on a monologue about nothing in par-
ticular, Phil was on a real umm roll. To test his listening skills, I
slipped in, “Yes, this afternoon I think I’ll go out and get tattooed
all over my body.”
Phil nodded his habitual “uh huh.”
Well, umming is better than a blank stare. However, it’s not
the choice oftop communicators. Try replacing your umms with
full-blown empathizers.
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Feel You Empathize
(Without Just Saying
“Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah”)
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What Are Empathizers?
Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike “uh
huh,” they are complete sentences such as “I can appreciate you
decided to do that,” or “That really is exciting.” Empathizers can
be one-sentence positive critiques like “Yes, that was the honor-
able thing to do,” or “It’s charming you felt that way.”
When you respond with complete sentences instead ofthe
usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, but
your listener feels that you really understand.
Ofcourse, you pay a price. To use the right empathizers, you
do need to listen.
Now let’s ﬁne-tune this technique and explore advanced
empathizing.
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize187
Technique #47
Employ Empathizers
Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete
sentences to show your understanding. Dust your
dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.”
Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a
lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your
listeners and encourages them to continue.
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About ten years ago, I had a roommate named Brenda. Brenda
was a tap dance teacher who didn’t just tap dance to make a liv-
ing. She lived to tap. Posters ofBill “Bojangles” Robinson and
Charles “Honi” Coles plastered her walls. She didn’t walk around
the house. She tapped her way from room to room. It was noisy,
but at least, when a phone call came for Brenda, I never had trou-
ble ﬁnding her.
Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said,
“From the moment I ﬁrst opened my ears.” Her ears? I thought,
that’s strange. Most people say “from the moment I opened my
eyes.” At that moment, I realized Brenda “saw” the world more
through her ears than her eyes.
We all perceive the world through ﬁve senses. We see the
world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We smell the world.
And we taste the world. Therefore, we talk in terms ofthose ﬁve
senses. Proponents ofneurolinguistic programming (NLP) tell us,
for each person, one sense is stronger than others. For Brenda, it
was her hearing.
Brenda told me she grew up in a dark apartment below street
level in New York City. She remembers, as an infant, hearing the
pitter-patter offeet walking just above her crib on the sidewalk.
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As a toddler, her tiny ears were bombarded with honking horns,
shrieking sirens, and tire chains slapping the icy streets. She espe-
cially remembers the clumpety-clomp ofpolice horses’ hoofs on
the pavement outside her window. Her ﬁrst perceptions ofthe out-
side world came to her through her ears. To this day, sound dom-
inates her life. Brenda, the tap dancer, is an auditory person.
Since neurolinguists suggest invoking our listener’s strongest
sense, I tried a few auditory references on Brenda. Rather than
saying, “That looks good to me,” I’d say “That sounds good.”
Instead ofsaying, “I see what you mean,” I’d say, “I hear you.”
When I used these auditory references, I felt she paid more
attention.
So I started listening very carefully to all my friends to dis-
cover which was their primary perception. Sometimes I’d hear
visual references like
“I see what you mean.”
“That looks good to me.”
“I can’t picture myselfdoing that.”
“I take a dim view ofthat idea.”
“From my perspective . . .”
Wow, I thought I was really on to something!
A Wrinkle Develops
But then, whoops, at other times, I’d hear that same friend say
“Yeah, I hear you.”
“Sure, that sounds good to me.”
“I kept saying to myselfit would work.”
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“That has a negative ring to it.”
“He really tuned out on the whole idea.”
“Something tells me . . .”
This wasn’t going to be quite as easy as I’d expected. However,
I wasn’t ready to give up.
Once, Brenda and I went skiing with several friends. That
night we were at a party. One ofour friends was telling a group
ofpeople, “The ski slopes were beautiful. Everything was so crys-
tal clear and white.”
“A visual person?” I asked myself.
Another skier added, “The feel ofthe fresh snow on our faces
was terriﬁc.”
“Aha, a kinesthetic person,” I mused silently.
Sure enough, just then, Brenda said, “Today was so silent. The
only sound you could hear was the wind in your ears as you came
swooshing down the slopes.” That little riffconvinced me there
was something to it.
However, I still found it difﬁcult to discern one’s primary
sense.
A Simple Solution
Here’s what I’ve found does work, and it doesn’t take too much
detective work on your part. I call the technique “Anatomically
Correct Empathizers,” and it’s easy to master. Unless it is obvious
the person you are speaking with is primarily visual, auditory, or
kinesthetic, simply respond in his or her mode ofthe moment.
Match your empathizers to the current sense someone is talking
through. For example, suppose a business colleague describing a
ﬁnancial plan says, “With this plan, we can see our way clear in
six months.” Since this time she’s using primarily visual references,
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say “I see what you mean” or “You really have a clear picture of
that situation.”
If, instead, your colleague had said, “This plan has a good ring
to it,” you’d substitute auditory empathizers like “It does sound
great,” or “I hear you.”
A third possibility. Suppose she had said, “I have a gut feeling
this plan will work.” Now you give her a kinesthetic empathizer
like “I can understand how you feel,” or “You have a good grasp
ofthat problem.”
What about the other two senses, taste and smell? Well, I’ve
never run up against any gustatory or olfactory types. But you
could always compliment a chefby saying, “That’s a delicious
idea.” And ifyou are talking to your dog (olfactory, ofcourse),
tell him “The whole idea stinks.”
The next technique helps create afﬁnity with a single word.
How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do191
Technique #48
Anatomically Correct Empathizers
What part oftheir anatomy are your associates talking
through? Their eyes? Their ears? Their gut?
For visual people, use visual empathizers to make
them think you see the world the way they do. For
auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to make them
think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic
types, use kinesthetic empathizers to make them think
you feel the same way they do.
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By just eavesdropping for a few moments on any two people chat-
ting, you could tell a lot about their relationship. You could tell if
they were new acquaintances or old friends. You could tell whether
a man and a woman were strangers or a couple.
You wouldn’t even need to hear friends call each other “pal,”
“buddy,” or “mate.” You wouldn’t need to hear a man and a
woman whisper “dear,” “sweetheart,” or “turtle dove.” It wouldn’t
matter what they were discussing or even their tone ofvoice. You
could even be blindfolded and tell a lot about their relationship
because the technique I’m about to share has nothing to do with
body language.
How? A fascinating progression ofconversation unfolds as
people become closer. Here’s how it develops:
Level One: Clichés
Two strangers talking together primarily toss clichés back and
forth. For instance, when chatting about the universally agreed-
upon world’s dullest subject—the weather—one stranger might
say to the other, “Beautiful sunny weather we’ve been having.” Or,
“Boy, some rain, huh?” That’s level one, clichés.
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Level Two: Facts
People who know each other but are just acquaintances often dis-
cuss facts. “You know, Joe, we’ve had twice as many sunny days
this year to date as last.” Or, “Yeah, well, we ﬁnally decided to put
in a swimming pool to beat the heat.”
Level Three: Feelings and
Personal Questions
When people become friends, they often express their feelings to
each other, even on subjects as dull as the weather. “George, I just
love these sunny days.” They also ask each other personal ques-
tions: “How about you, Betty? Are you a sun person?”
Level Four: We Statements
Now we progress to the highest level ofintimacy. This level is
richer than facts and creates more rapport than feelings. It’s
we
and
us
statements. Friends discussing the weather might say, “If
we
keep having this good weather, it’ll be a great summer.” Lovers
might say, “I hope this good weather keeps up for
us
so
we
can go
swimming on our trip.”
A technique to achieve the ultimate verbal intimacy grows out
ofthis phenomenon. Simply use the word
we
prematurely. You can
use it to make a client, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already
friends. Use it to make a potential romantic partner feel the two
ofyou are already an item. I call it the “Premature
We
.” In casual
conversation, simply cut through levels one and two. Jump straight
to three and four.
Ask your prospect’s feelings on something the way you would
query a friend. (“George, how do you feel about the new gover-
nor?”) Then use the pronoun
we
when discussing anything that
might affect the two ofyou. (“Do you think
we’re
going to pros-
How to Make ’Em Think
We
(Instead of
You
vs.
Me)
193
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per during his administration?”) Make it a point to concoct
we
sentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers,
and other intimates. (“I think
we’ll
survive while the governor’s in
ofﬁce.”)
The word
we
fosters togetherness. It makes the listener feel
connected. It gives a subliminal feeling of“you and me against the
cold, cold world.” When you prematurely say
we
or
us
, even to
strangers, it subconsciously brings them closer. It subliminally hints
you are already friends. At a party, you might say to someone
standing behind you at the buffet line, “Hey, this looks great. They
really laid out a nice spread for
us
.” Or, “Uh-oh,
we’re
going to get
fat ifwe let ourselves enjoy all ofthis.”
Well, we have just explored how to copy our conversation
partners’ movements with Be a Copyclass, echo their words, evoke
Potent Images from their world, create a bond through their pri-
mary sense with Anatomically Correct Empathizers, and establish
subliminal friendship with words like
we
.
What else do friends, lovers, and close associates have in com-
mon? A history. The ﬁnal technique in this section is a device to
give a fairly new acquaintance the warm and fuzzy feeling the two
ofyou have been together for a long, long time.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #49
The Premature WE
Create the sensation ofintimacy with someone even if
you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals
in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one
and two and cutting right to levels three and four.
Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words
we
,
us
, and
our
.
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Lovers whisper phrases in each others’ ears that mean nothing to
anyone but themselves. Friends crack up over a few words that
sound like gobbledygook to anyone overhearing them. Close busi-
ness associates chuckle about shared experiences.
One company I’ve worked with has seen reengineering,
empowerment, TQM, and team building come and go in one
decade. At company parties, the employees never fail to crack up
over the time when the whole company—managers to mail-room
clerks—scrambled up a twenty-nine-foot pole together all in the
name ofteam building. The CEO slipped down the pole and
broke his big toe. At the next weekly meeting, the CEO shook his
crutch and caustically announced, “No more team exercises!”
Thus, the death ofteam building—and the birth ofa private joke.
Out ofshared experiences like this, a company culture grows.
These employees have a history and a language to go with it. To
this day, whenever they want to put an abrupt end to any idea,
they say, “Let’s shake a crutch at it” or “Let’s slide that one down
the ﬂagpole.” They all smile. Nobody knows what they mean
except fellow employees.
The playwright Neil Simon, sometimes with a single word,
can make an entire Broadway audience understand two perform-
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Friendly “Private Joke”
with Them
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How to Talk to Anyone
ers onstage are either married or longtime friends. The actor sim-
ply says something to the actress that makes no sense to the audi-
ence. Then both ofthem laugh uproariously. Everybody gets the
message: these two people are an item.
Every time my friend Daryl and I meet, we don’t say “Hello.”
We say “Quack.” Why? We met at a party ﬁve years ago and, in
our ﬁrst conversation, Daryl told me he grew up on a duck farm.
When I told him I’d never seen a duck farm, he performed the
best human imitation ofa duck I’d ever seen. He ﬂipped his head
side to side looking at me ﬁrst out ofone eye, then the other, all
the while ﬂapping his arms and quacking. I got such a laugh out
ofhis performance that it inspired him to do a full ﬂat-footed duck
waddle for me. It was contagious. Together we waddled around
the room ﬂapping and quacking. We made absolute fools ofour-
selves that evening.
The next day, my phone rang. I picked up the receiver to hear,
not “Hello, this is Daryl,” but simply, “Quack.” I’m sure that’s
Technique #50
Instant History
When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a
stranger, search for some special moment you shared
during your ﬁrst encounter. Then ﬁnd a few words that
reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings
the two ofyou felt. Now, just like old friends, you have
a history together, an Instant History.
With anyone you’d like to make part ofyour
personal or professional future, look for special
moments together. Then make them a refrain.
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what started our friendship. To this day, every time I hear his
“Quack” on the phone, it ﬂoods me with happy, ifa tad embar-
rassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship
no matter how long it’s been since we last quacked at each other.
Now What’s Left?
Chemistry, charisma, and conﬁdence are three characteristics
shared by big winners in all walks oflife. Part One helped us make
a dynamic, conﬁdent, and charismatic ﬁrst impression with body
language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body
ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and
big girls so we’re contenders for life’s big league. Part Four rescued
us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very lit-
tle in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create
instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.
What’s left? You guessed it—making people feel really good
about themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in
today’s world. One mishandling and you can butcher the rela-
tionship. Let us now explore the power ofpraise, the folly ofﬂat-
tery, and how you can use these potent tools effectively.
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PARTSIX
How to Differentiate
the Power of Praise
from the Folly of
Flattery
Kids are experts at getting what they want. Perched on Papa’s knee,
“Oh Daddy, you’re so wunnerful. I know you’ll buy me that new
doll.” The next morning, with Mama in the supermarket, “Oh
Mommy, I love you. You’re the most bestest mommy in the world.
I know you’ll buy me that chocolate munchie.”
From the hungry infant’s instinctive cooing as Mommy
approaches the crib to the car salesman’s calculated praise as the
prospect walks into the showroom, compliments come naturally
to people when they want something from somebody. In fact,
compliments are the most widely used and thoroughly endorsed
ofall getting-what-you-want techniques. When Dale Carnegie
wrote “Begin with praise,” ﬁfteen million readers took it to heart.
Most ofus still think praise is the path to extracting what we want
from someone.
And yes, ifit’s as simple as dolls from daddy and munchies
from mommy, it may be. But the business world has changed
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dramatically since Dale Carnegie’s day. In today’s world, not every
smiling ﬂatterer has the power to procure through praise.
The Malaise ofUnskilled Praise
You give someone a compliment. You smile, waiting to see the
warm feelings engulfthe recipient. You may have to wait a long
time.
Ifhe or she has a speck ofsuspicion your praise is self-serving,
it has the opposite effect. Ifyour compliment is insincere or
unskilled, it can wreck your chances ofever being trusted by that
person again. It can abort a potential relationship before it ever gets
offthe runway.
However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well,
it gives the relationship immediate liftoff. It can make a sale, win
a new friend, or rejuvenate a marriage on a golden anniversary.
What is the difference between praise that lifts and ﬂattery
that ﬂattens? Many factors enter the equation. They include your
sincerity, timing, motivation, and wording. They also involve the
recipient’s self-image, professional position, experience with com-
pliments, and judgment ofyour powers ofperception. Ofcourse
it entails the relationship between the two ofyou and how long
you have known each other. Ifyou’re complimenting someone
by phone, E-mail, or snail mail, it even involves subtleties such
as whether you’ve ever seen his or face, either in person or a
photograph.
Mind boggling, isn’t it? Sociologists’ research shows: 1) a com-
pliment from a new person is more potent than from someone you
already know, 2) your compliment has more credibility when given
to an unattractive person or an attractive person whose face you’ve
never seen, 3) you are taken more seriously ifyou preface your
comments by some self-effacing remark—but only ifyour listener
perceives you as higher on the totem pole. Ifyou’re lower, your
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self-effacing remark reduces your credibility. Complicated, this
complimenting stuff.
Rather than dizzying ourselves with the surfeit ofspeciﬁc
studies, let’s just put some terriﬁc techniques in our little bag of
tricks. Each ofthe following meets all the criteria ofsocial scien-
tists’ ﬁndings. Here are nine effective ways to praise in the new
millennium.
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The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, ofcourse, that the
distrustful recipient will assume you are indulging in shameless,
obsequious pandering to achieve your own greedy goals.
It’s a sad reality about compliments. Ifyou lay a big one out
ofthe blue on your boss, your prospect, or your sweetie, the recip-
ient will probably think you’re brownnosing. Your main squeeze
will assume you’re suffering guilt over something you’ve done. So
what’s the solution? Hold back your sincere esteem?
No, simply deliver it through the grapevine. The grapevine
has long been a trusted means ofcommunication. From the days
when Catskills comics insisted the best ways to spread news were
“telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman,” we have known it works.
Unfortunately the grapevine is most often associated with bad
news, the kind that goes in one ear and over the back fence. But
the grapevine need not be laden only with scuttlebutt and sour
grapes. Good news can travel through the same ﬁlament. And
when it arrives in the recipient’s ear, it is all the more delectable.
This is not a new discovery. Back in 1732, Thomas Fuller wrote,
“He’s my friend that speaks well ofme behind my back.” We’re
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Sounding Like You’re
Brownnosing)
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more apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we
aren’t listening than someone who ﬂatters us to our face.
No-Risk Praise (Do It Behind Their Back)
Instead oftelling someone directly ofyour admiration, tell some-
one who is close to the person you wish to compliment. For
instance, suppose you want to be in the good graces ofJane Smith.
Don’t directly compliment Jane. Go to her close associate Diane
Doe and say, “You know, Jane is a very dynamic woman. She said
something so brilliant in the meeting the other day. Someday she’ll
be running this company.” I place ten-to-one odds your comment
will get back to Jane via the grapevine in twenty-four hours. Diane
will tell her friend, “You should hear what so ’n’ so said about you
the other day.”
When you gave Grapevine Glory to Jane, Diane became the
carrier pigeon ofthat compliment. Which leads us to the next
technique where you become the carrier pigeon ofother people’s
compliments.
How to Compliment Someone(Without Sounding Like You’re Brownnosing)203
Technique #51
Grapevine Glory
A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one
he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by
telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This
way you escape possible suspicion that you are an
apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, back-
scratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You
also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are
telling the whole world about their greatness.
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Carrier pigeons have a long and valiant history. The dauntless
winged messengers, often maimed by shellﬁre and dying after
delivering their messages, have saved the lives ofthousands. One
tenacious little bird named Cher Ami is credited with saving two
hundred lives during the Battle ofthe Argonne in World War I.
The brave one-legged little birdie, one ofhis wings shot through,
carried a message dangling from his remaining ligament. The
blood-smeared little ball offeathers arrived just in time to warn
that the Germans were about to bomb the city.
Stumpy Joe, another plucky pigeon, had such a heroic battle-
scarred career that his fans stuffed him, mounted him, and put
him on display in the National Air Force Museum in Dayton,
Ohio. And millions ofother brave birds have brought joyful mes-
sages to racing-pigeon enthusiasts around the world. In that ﬁne
tradition, I present the complimenting technique I call “Carrier
Pigeon Kudos.”
Whenever you hear a laudatory comment about someone,
don’t let it end there. You don’t need to write it, roll it up in a cap-
sule, strap it to your leg like Stumpy Joe, and ﬂy it to the recipi-
ent. Nevertheless, you can remember the kudo and verbally carry
it to the person who will get the most pleasure—the person who
was complimented.
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Keep your ears open for good things people say about each
other. Ifyour colleague Carl says something nice about another
colleague, Sam, pass it on. “You know, Sam, Carl said the nicest
thing about you the other day.”
Your sister tells you your ﬁrst cousin is a dynamite relative. Go
ahead and call Cuz’.
Your mother tells you she thinks Manny did a great job mow-
ing the lawn. Pass it on to him. Hey, we all like a little apprecia-
tion, even from Mom.
Here’s where it beneﬁts you. Everyone loves the bearer ofglad
tidings. When you bring someone third-party kudos, they appre-
ciate you as much as the complimenter. Call it gossip ifyou like.
This is the good kind.
Carry More Cargo than Compliments
Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a car-
rier pigeon ofnews items that might interest the recipient. Call,
mail, or E-mail people with information they might ﬁnd interest-
How to Be a “Carrier Pigeon” ofGood Feelings205
Technique #52
Carrier Pigeon Kudos
People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize
themselves into carrier pigeons when there’s bad news.
(It’s called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier ofgood
news and kudos. Whenever you hear something
complimentary about someone, ﬂy to them with the
compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff
you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy
Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon ofkind
thoughts.
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ing. Ifyour friend Ned is a furniture designer in North Carolina
and you see a big article in the
Los Angeles Times
about furniture
trends, fax it to him. Ifyour client Sally is a sculptor in Seattle and
you see her work in someone’s home in New York, send her a note.
My friend Dan lives in San Francisco, and whenever he runs
across anything in the paper on communications, he clips it and
sends it to me. No note, just “FYI—Regards, Dan” in the corner.
He’s like my own private West Coast clipping service.
Try it. Think ofthe money you’ll save on greeting cards. A
relevant clipping is the big winner’s way ofsaying, “I’m thinking
ofyou and your interests.”
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Here’s yet another caress for someone’s ego. Don’t give a blatant
compliment. Merely imply something magniﬁcent about your con-
versation partner. Several months ago, I was visiting an old friend
in Denver whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. When he came to
my hotel to pick me up, he said, “Hello, Leil, how are you?” Then
he paused, looked at me, and said, “You’ve obviously been well.”
Wow, I felt terriﬁc. He implied I looked good and that made my
evening.
Guess the Good Lord decided I shouldn’t have too swollen a
head, however, because later that evening, after my friend dropped
me off, I got into the hotel elevator. A maintenance man entered
at the third ﬂoor. He smiled at me. I smiled back. He looked at
me again and said, “Gosh, ma’am, was you a model? [Oh, man,
was I feeling on top ofthe world now!] . . . when you was young?”
he continued.
CRASH! Why couldn’t he have zipped his lip before the
zinger? I loved the implication in the ﬁrst part ofhis comment.
But the second implied I was now an old lady. Ruined my next
day. Heck, his unintentional low blow ruined my week. In fact I
still feel wretched about it.
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Your Admiration “Just
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You have to be careful ofunintentional bad implications. If,
visiting a new city, you stop someone on the street and say, “Excuse
me, could you tell me ifthere are any ﬁne dining restaurants
nearby?” you are implying the passerby is a person oftaste. If,
however, you ask that same passerby, “Hey, know any down and
dirty bars in this burg?” your implication is entirely different. Find
a way to imply magniﬁcent qualities ofthose you wish to indi-
rectly compliment.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #53
Implied Magnificence
Throw a few comments into your conversation that
presuppose something positive about the person you’re
talking with. But be careful. Don’t blow it like the well-
intentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy
who, at the prom, thought he was ﬂattering his date
when he told her, “Gosh, Mary Lou, for a fat gal you
dance real good.”
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Next in our agglomeration ofjoy spreaders is a technique I call
“Accidental Adulation.” Once, at a small dinner party, the subject
turned to space travel. The gentleman seated to my right said,
“Leil, you’re much too young to remember this, but when Apollo
11 landed on the moon . . .”
Ifmy life depended on it, I couldn’t tell you what the chap
said next. I simply remember smiling to myselfand stretching to
get a glimpse ofmy youthful selfin the dining-room mirror. Of
course I remember July 1969. Like the rest ofthe world, I was
glued to the television watching Neil Armstrong’s size 9½B boot
hit the moon. However, I certainly was not thinking ofmoon
travel at that dinner party. I was too busy reveling in the fact that
this lovely man didn’t think I was old enough to remember 1969.
I assumed his opinion ofmy youthfulness just slipped out. There-
fore it must be sincere.
Sure! Now that I think about it, he probably knew darn well
I was old enough to remember the moon landing. I bet he was
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How to Win Their
Hearts by Being an
“Undercover
Complimenter”
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using the maneuver Accidental Adulation. But it doesn’t matter.
My warm memories ofhim remain. Accidental Adulation is slip-
ping praise into the secondary part ofyour point, putting it in ver-
bal parentheses.
Try It. You’ll Like It. They’ll Love It.
Try Accidental Adulation and see smiles break out on the faces of
the recipients. Tell your sixty-ﬁve-year-old uncle, “Anyone as ﬁt
as you would have zipped right up those steps, but boy, was I out
ofbreath.” Tell a colleague: “Because you’re so knowledgeable in
contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly,
I signed it.”
You run the danger, ofcourse, that you will please the recip-
ient so profoundly with your parenthetical praise, he or she won’t
hear your main point.
So far we have explored four covert compliments: Grapevine
Glory, Carrier Pigeon Kudos, Implied Magniﬁcence, and Acci-
dental Adulation. There are times, ofcourse, when blatant praise
does work. The next techniques will hone your skills in this pre-
carious but rewarding venture.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #54
Accidental Adulation
Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak
praise into the parenthetical part ofyour sentence.
Just don’t try to quiz anyone later on your main
point. The joyful jolt ofyour accidental adulation
strikes them temporarily deafto anything that follows.
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Would you like to have a little trick up your sleeve potent enough
to kick start commerce, ignite a friendship or even a love affair?
I’ll give you one, but only ifyou heed its warning label. You must
register your tongue as a lethal weapon once you’ve mastered the
following technique. It’s called the “Killer Compliment.”
It was born one night some years ago after my then-roommate,
Christine, and I had just returned home from a holiday party. As
we were taking offour coats, she had a silly smile on her face and
a faraway look in her eye.
“Christine, are you OK?” I asked.
“Oh yes,” she purred. “I’m going to go out with that man.”
“Man? What man?”
“Oh, you know,” she said, chastising me for not knowing, “the
one who told me I had beautiful teeth.”
Teeth!
That night I happened to walk by the bathroom door as
Christine was getting ready for bed. I saw her grinning at herself
in the mirror, tilting her head from side to side, and brushing each
individual tooth. All the while she kept her eyes glued to the mir-
ror, inspecting each one for the beauty her new admirer com-
mented on. I realized the fellow who had given Christine the
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Forget You with a
“Killer Compliment”
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unusual compliment had made her day—and had made a killer
impression on her. Thus the Killer Compliment came into being.
What is the Killer Compliment? It is commenting on some
very personal and speciﬁc quality you spot in someone. A Killer
Compliment is not “I like your tie” or “You’re a very nice person.”
(The ﬁrst is not personal enough and the second is not speciﬁc
enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like “What exquisite eyes
you have,” (very speciﬁc) or “You have a wonderful air ofhonesty
about you,” (very personal).
Because delivering your ﬁrst Killer Compliment is difﬁcult, I
trick my seminar participants into pulling it off. About midway
through the program, I’ll ask them to close their eyes and think
about a partner they had in an earlier exercise. Then I say, “Now
recall one attractive physical quality or personality trait you
observed in your partner. Not one you would necessarily comment
on,” I caution. “Perhaps your partner had a lovely smile or a twin-
kle in her eye. Perhaps he exuded a sense ofcalm or credibility.
Got it in your mind?”
Then the thunderbolt: “OK, now go ﬁnd your partner and
tell them the nice quality you noticed.” “What? Tell them?” The
thought paralyzes them. One by one, however, they courageously
seek their partners and deliver their Killer Compliments. As peo-
ple hear a stranger tell them they have beautiful hands or pene-
trating brown eyes, joy ﬁlls the room. Laughter explodes in every
corner. I am now looking out at a sea ofsmiles and happy blushes.
Everyone loves receiving his or her personal Killer Compliment.
And everyone develops friendly feelings toward the giver.
The Killer Compliment User’s Manual
Just like a cannon, ifyou don’t use the Killer Compliment cor-
rectly, it can backﬁre. Here’s the user’s manual that comes with
the mighty missile.
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Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipi-
ent in private.
Ifyou are standing with a group offour or ﬁve
people and you praise one woman for being ﬁt, every other woman
feels like a barrel oflard. Ifyou tell one man he has wonderful
carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make the
blushing recipient uncomfortable.
Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible.
For
example, I’m tone-deaf. IfI’m forced to sing even a simple song
like “Happy Birthday,” I sound like a sick pig. Ifanyone in earshot
were foolish enough to tell me they liked my voice, I’d know it
was hogwash.
Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half
year on each recipient
. Otherwise you come across as insincere,
groveling, obsequious, pandering, and a thoroughly manipulative
person. Not cool.
With careful aim, the Killer Compliment captures everyone.
It works best, however, when you use it judiciously on new
acquaintances. Ifyou want to praise friends every day, employ the
next technique.
How to Make ’Em Never Forget You with a “Killer Compliment”213
Technique #55
Killer Compliment
Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to
make part ofyour professional or personal future, search
for one attractive, speciﬁc, and unique quality he or she
has.
At the end ofthe conversation, look the individual
right in the eye. Say his or her name and proceed to
curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment.
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In contrast to the big guns ofKiller Compliments for strangers,
and The Tombstone Game for loved ones, which we will learn
shortly, here’s a little peashooter you can pop offat anyone, any-
time. I call it “Little Strokes.”
Little Strokes are short, quick kudos you drop into your casual
conversation. Make liberal use ofLittle Strokes with your col-
leagues in the ofﬁce:
“Nice job, John!”
“Well done, Kyoto!”
“Hey, not bad, Billy!”
I have one friend who uses a lovely Little Stroke. IfI do some-
thing he likes, he says, “Not too shabby, Leil.”
You can also use Little Strokes on the everyday achievements
ofyour loved ones. Ifyour spouse just cooked a great meal, “Wow,
you’re the best chefin town.” Just before going out together, “Gee,
honey, you look great.” After a long drive, “You did it! It must have
been tiring.” With your kids, “Hey, gang, great job cleaning up
your room.”
I once read a poignant
Reader’s Digest
article about a little girl
who often misbehaved. Her mother had to continually reprimand
her. However, one day, the little girl had been especially good and
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hadn’t done a single thing that called for a reprimand. The mother
said, “That night after I tucked her in bed and started downstairs,
I heard a mufﬂed noise. Running back up, I found her head buried
in the pillow. She was sobbing. Between the sobs she asked,
‘Mommy, haven’t I been a pretty good girl today?’”
The question, the mother said, went through her like a knife.
“I had been quick to correct her,” she said, “when she was wrong.
But when she tried to behave, I hadn’t noticed it and I put her to
bed without one word ofappreciation.”
Adults are all grown-up little girls and little boys. We may not
go to bed sobbing ifthe people in our lives don’t notice when we
are good. Nevertheless, a trace ofthose tears lingers.
Little Things Mean a Lot
Little Strokes are indeed, little. But as every woman knows, they
mean a lot. I’ve yet to meet a woman who wouldn’t agree with
these lyrics from an old song sung by Kitty Kallen:
Blow me a kiss from across the room.
Say I look nice when I’m not.
Touch my hair as you pass my chair.
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Technique #56
Little Strokes
Don’t make your colleagues, your friends, your loved
ones look at you and silently say, “Haven’t I been pretty
good today?” Let them know how much you appreciate
them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like
“Nice job!” “Well done!” “Cool!”
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Little things mean a lot.
Send me the warmth ofa secret smile
To show me you haven’t forgot.
For always and ever, now and forever,
Little things mean a lot.
To further complicate the art ofthe compliment, one must
consider timing. Blatant, barefaced, brazen ﬂattery turns all but
the blindest egomaniacs off. But the human animal never fails to
amaze observers. There are moments when, ifyou don’t give a bla-
tant, barefaced, brazen compliment—even to a bright individ-
ual—you lose. The following technique deﬁnes those moments.
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I’ll never forget the ﬁrst time I gave a luncheon speech in front of
strangers. I’d practiced for the stuffed animals on my bed and my
roommate, Christine, but this was my debut in front ofa real
audience.
As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling
Rotarians waiting for my words ofwit and wisdom. My tongue
was dry as chalk dust, my palms as wet as a ﬁsh. The audience
might as well have been seventeen thousand judges waiting to sen-
tence me to eternal humiliation ifI didn’t inform and entertain
each. I gave a last panic-stricken glance at Christine, who had
driven me to the club, and began, “Good afternoon. It gives me
great pleasure . . . ”
Thirty minutes later, amidst scattered applause which I feared
was obligatory, I crawled back to my seat next to Christine. I
looked expectantly at her. She smiled and said, “You know this
dessert isn’t bad. Have some.”
Dessert? “Dessert! Dammit, Christine, how did I do?” I
silently screamed at her. A few minutes later Christine told me how
much she and, she assumed, everyone else enjoyed my talk. Nev-
ertheless, by then it was too late. The crucial compliment-craving
moment had passed.
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Quick as a Hiccup, You Must
Compliment NOW
When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty lit-
tle rubber hammer, you instantly give a knee jerk. And when peo-
ple make a coup, you must instantly hit them with a knee-jerk
“Wow, you were great!”
Say they’ve just successfully negotiated a deal, cooked a ter-
riﬁc Thanksgiving turkey, or sung a solo song at the birthday party.
No matter whether their accomplishment is trivial or triumphant,
you must praise it immediately—not ten minutes later, not two
minutes later—immediately. The moment the winner walks out
ofthe boardroom, the kitchen, the spotlight, the victor wants to
hear only one sound: “WOW!”
But What IfThey Really Bombed?
“Are you asking me to lie?” you ask. Yes. Absolutely, positively,
resoundingly, YES. This is one ofthe few moments in life where
a lie is condoned by the most ethical individuals. Big winners real-
ize that sensitivity to an insecure performer’s ego takes momen-
tary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth. They
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Technique #57
The Knee-Jerk “Wow!”
Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment
they a ﬁnish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction
say, “You were terriﬁc!”
Don’t worry that they won’t believe you. The
euphoria ofthe moment has a strangely numbing effect
on the achiever’s objective judgment.
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also know, when sanity returns to the recipient and they suspect
they screwed up, it won’t matter. He or she will retroactively appre-
ciate your sensitivity and forgive your compassionate falsehood.
We’ve talked a lot about giving compliments, both covert and
overt. Now let’s talk about a skill that, for many, is even harder—
receiving them.
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We have a national weakness: we don’t know how to receive a
compliment! In fact, I would like to dedicate the following tech-
nique to my French friends who contend the French are better at
everything. Well, I concede one point. The French are, indeed,
better at receiving compliments. I’ll explain how shortly.
Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation.
Ifsomeone compliments you and you react clumsily out ofembar-
rassment, you unwittingly start a vicious cycle. A friend ventures
a compliment:
He: (smiling) “Hey, that’s a nice dress you’re wearing.”
She: (frowning) “Oh, this old thing?”
He: (thinking) “Whoops, she didn’t seem to like hearing that.
She thinks I have terrible taste to like that dress. I’d better keep
my mouth shut.”
Three weeks later . . .
She: (thinking grumpily) “He doesn’t ever give me compli-
ments anymore. What a boor!”
He: (thinking gloomily) “What’s her problem?”
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“Girls Don’t Like What?”
Several months ago in one ofmy seminars, the group was dis-
cussing compliments. One fellow insisted that “girls don’t like
compliments.”
“Girls don’t like what?” I asked incredulously.
He explained, “I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes.
And she said, ‘Boy, are you blind.’” The poor chap was so
wounded by her reaction, he became gun-shy and had not aimed
a compliment at a female since. What a shame for womankind and
what a blight on his social skills.
Upon receiving a compliment, many people demur or proffer
an embarrassed little “Thank you.” Worse, they protest, “Well, not
really, but thanks anyway.” Some people toss it offwith, “just luck.”
When you react this way, you visit a grave injustice on the com-
plimenter. You insult a well-meaning person’s powers ofperception.
“Vous Êtes Gentil”
Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall
phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, “
Vous êtes gentil
.”
Loosely translated, that is “How kind ofyou.”
An American saying “How kind ofyou” could sound stilted—
like the little ﬂower girl in
My Fair Lady
trying to be cultured.
Nevertheless, we Yanks can express the French
gentil
sentiment
with a technique I call “Boomeranging.”
When you toss a boomerang, it makes an almost 180-degree
swerve in midair and soars back to land at the feet ofthe thrower.
Likewise, when someone tosses a compliment your way, let the good
feelings soar back to the tosser. Don’t just say “Thanks.” (Or worse,
“Oh it’s nothing.”) Let them know ofyour gratitude and ﬁnd a way
to compliment them for their compliment. A few examples:
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She says, “I like those shoes.” You say, “Oh I’m so happy you
told me. I just got them.”
He says, “You really did a good job on this project.” You say,
“Oh, that’s so nice ofyou to tell me. I appreciate your positive
feedback.”
You can also Boomerang the good feelings back when people
ask you a question about your family, a project, an event, or any-
thing that shows they are interested in you.
Your colleague asks, “How was your vacation in Hawaii?” You
answer, “Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great,
thanks.”
Your boss asks, “Are you over your cold now?” You answer, “I
appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.”
Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the
form ofa compliment or concerned question, reﬂect it back on
the shiner.
Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favor
by setting malekind straight on compliments once and for all. I
asked the fellow who swore women hated praise to give three
women sitting near him a sincere compliment. He chose the
woman with “the beautiful silver hair sitting behind him,” the girl
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Technique #58
Boomeranging
Just as a boomerang ﬂies right back to the thrower, let
compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like
the French, quickly murmur something that expresses
“That’s very kind ofyou.”
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with the “hands like a pianist” to his left, and the lady with “the
lovely deep-blue eyes” on his right. He told them all.
Three women waltzed out ofthe room that night feeling a lit-
tle better about themselves than when they walked in. And, I
hope, for all the women he would yet meet in his life, one man
left with a changed attitude about compliments.
As we come to the end ofour exploration ofpraise, I want to
make sure you’re aiming dead center for people’s hearts. Whether
you’re giving little Carrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Com-
pliment on your conversation partner, this next technique keeps
you on target.
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Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds oftimes
Mommy’s and Daddy’s friends asked, “And what do you want to
be when you grow up?” That was our cue to regale our adoring
audience with dreams ofbeing a ballerina, a ﬁreﬁghter, a nurse, a
cowboy, or a movie star. Well, most ofour lives wound up being
a little closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Neverthe-
less, we all still have fantasies ofour own greatness.
Even though most ofus cashed in our childhood dreams of
being the star we thought we’d be (so we could make some
money), we all know that deep down we are very, very, very spe-
cial. We say to ourselves, “Maybe the world will little note nor long
remember how brilliant, how wonderful, how witty, how creative
or caring I really am. However, those who truly know and love
me—they will recognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness
over all other ordinary mortals.” When we ﬁnd people with the
supernatural powers ofperception to recognize our remarkable-
ness, we become addicted to the heady drug oftheir appreciation.
Praising someone you know and love requires a different set
ofskills from complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring
someone even closer to you personally or professionally follows. I
call it “The Tombstone Game.” It requires a little setup.
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Step one: In a quiet moment chatting with your friend, your
loved one, or your business partner, tell him or her that the other
day you were reading about—ofall things—tombstones! “The
piece was about,” you say, “what people fantasize will be inscribed
above their grave after they die.” You learned that people want the
quality they are most proud ofin life etched in stone. Then say,
“The variety is surprising. Everyone has a different self-image, a
different deep source ofpride.” Examples:
Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.
Here lies Diane Smith. She was a caring woman.
Here lies Billy Bucks. By golly, he could make people laugh.
Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went.
Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.
Step two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved
on your tombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage
him or her to do likewise.
Step three: Now, you pop the question, “You know, Joe, when
all is said and done, what are you most proud of? What would you
like the world to most remember about you? What would you
want the world to see carved on your tombstone?”
Perhaps your business partner Joe says, “Well, I guess I’d sort
oflike people to know that I’m a man ofmy word.” Listen care-
fully. Ifhe expounds on it, take note ofevery nuance. Then ﬁle it
away in your heart and don’t say a word about it again. Joe will
forget you ever played The Tombstone Game with him.
Step four: Let at least three weeks pass. Then, whenever you
want to improve the relationship, feed the information back to
your partner in the form ofa compliment. Say “Joe, you know the
reason I really appreciate being in business with you is because
you’re a man ofyour word.”
WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out ofthe sky. “Finally,” he
says to himself, “someone who appreciates me for who I really
am.” Telling him you admire him for the same reason he admires
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himselfhas an impact on Joe like no other compliment in the
world.
Now, suppose your friend is Billy Bucks, the one who wanted
his wit carved on his tombstone. You’d say, “Billy, ol’ buddy, you’re
terriﬁc. I loves ya ’cause you can really make people laugh.”
“I Love You Because . . . ” (You Fill
in the Blank)
Suppose your signiﬁcant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding
example. Tell your beloved, “Jane, I love you because you spread
joy wherever you go.”
Suppose your life partner is Harry Jones. You take his hand
and say, “Harry, I love you because you live life your way.” BLAM!
You have found that tender spot where the heart and the ego
blend.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #59
The Tombstone Game
Ask the important people in your life what they would
like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your
memory but don’t mention it again. Then, when the
moment is right to say “I appreciate you” or “I love
you,” ﬁll the blanks with the very words they gave you
weeks earlier.
You take people’s breath away when you feed their
deepest self-image to them in a compliment. “At last,”
they say to themselves, “someone who loves me for who
I truly am.”
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The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable.
Billy Bucks might not appreciate your calling him a man ofhis
word; Billy’s thing is humor. Jane might not value your thinking
she lives life her way. Her source ofpride is spreading joy wher-
ever she goes.
It’s wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them.
When it matches what they appreciate or love about themselves,
the effect is overpowering.
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PARTSEVEN
How to Direct Dial
Their Hearts
Hundreds ofpeople have formed impressions ofyou through that
little device on your desk, your bed table, your kitchen wall. And
they’ve never actually met you. They’ve never seen your smiles,
felt your frowns. They’ve never grasped your hand or enjoyed your
hugs. They’ve never read your body language or seen how you
dress. Everything they know about you came through tiny ﬁla-
ments, sometimes from hundreds ofmiles away. But they feel they
know you just from the sound ofyour voice. That’s how power-
ful the telephone is.
Powerful, yes, but not always accurate. For years I dealt with
my travel agent only by phone. Rani, my faceless agent whom I’d
never met in person, got me rock-bottom prices on airfares, cars,
and hotels. But her snippy phone personality really ticked me off.
A dozen times I vowed to ﬁnd another agent.
One Monday morning several years ago, I received bad news
and had to book an immediate ﬂight home for a family emergency.
I had no time to wait in line at the airport, so I jumped in a cab
and asked the driver to wait in front ofthe travel agency while I
grabbed tickets and a boarding pass.
Like a lit fuse, I zipped into Rani’s agency for the ﬁrst time.
Seeing my frenzied rush, the woman sitting at the front desk sym-
pathetically jumped up. She gave me a reassuring smile and asked
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how she could help me. As I blithered on about my need for an
emergency ticket, she smiled, nodded, and lunged immediately
into action. “What a terriﬁc lady!” I thought as she printed out
the tickets.
Moments later, darting out gratefully grasping the tickets in
my ﬁst, I called out over my shoulder, “By the way, what’s your
name?”
“Leil, I’m Rani,” she said. I whirled around and saw a thor-
oughly congenial woman with a big smile on her face waving to
wish me a safe trip. I was dumbfounded! Why had I previously
thought she was so snippy? Rani was, well, so nice.
Sitting back in the cab on the way to the airport, I ﬁgured it
all out. Rani’s friendliness—her warm smile, her nods, her good
eye contact, her body language, her “I’m here for you” attitude—
were all silent signals that didn’t travel through wires. I closed my
eyes and tried to remember the voice I had heard moments ago.
Yes, it was Rani’s same crisp, curt pronunciation. But her friendly
body language made her seem like a different person from the
brusque agent I’d dealt with on the phone. Rani’s phone person-
ality and her demeanor in person were completely different shows.
I realized it’s the same with all ofus. Your personality, mine,
and everyone’s could be likened to a show, a theatrical perfor-
mance. You want to make sure yours is a box-ofﬁce smash, not a
ﬂop. The following ten techniques will get your phone personal-
ity rave reviews.
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I have a friend, Tina, who designed costumes for an off-off-
Broadway show that became a smash hit a few years ago. The tiny
show was such a critical success, it won the heart ofan angel—
abacker—and it went to Broadway. There the show laid a big
fategg.
When I read the bad news, I called Tina. “Tina, why did the
show get such bad reviews on Broadway?” Tina told me that, sadly,
the director didn’t insist the actors and actresses change their per-
formances to adapt to the new surroundings. The actors’ under-
stated movements, which moved small audiences alternately to
laughter and tears, were lost in the big Broadway house. Audiences
couldn’t see their subtle gestures and poignant facial expressions.
Tina told me the performers neglected to make their movements
much bigger to ﬁt the new medium.
That excellent advice is not just for actors. Whenever you are
talking, you must consider your medium. Ifyour face were on a
big movie screen, you might get your message across with a wink
or an eyebrow raise. On radio, however, that would be meaning-
less. Because listeners couldn’t see your wink, you’d have to say
something like “Hi, Cutie.” Because listeners couldn’t see your
raised eyebrows, you’d have to say, “Wow, I’m surprised!”
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Your body language and facial expressions comprise more than
halfyour personality. When people don’t see you, they can get an
entirely wrong impression as I did with Rani. To get your person-
ality across on the phone, you must translate your emotions into
sound. In fact, you have to exaggerate the sound because studies
have shown people lose 30 percent ofthe energy level in their
voices on the phone.
Say you meet an important new contact tomorrow. When
you’re introduced, you shake her hand, you fully face her. You
make good, strong eye contact and let a sincere smile ﬂood over
your face. You even nod and smile, listening intently as she speaks.
She likes you a lot.
But how good an impression could you make on that VIP if
both you and she were blindfolded and the two ofyou had your
hands tied behind your backs? That’s the handicap you suffer on
the phone.
Ifshe couldn’t see you, you’d have to substitute words to let
her know you’re agreeing or listening. You’d have to somehow ver-
balize that you’re smiling and use her name more to replace the eye
contact. You’d be using the technique I call “Talking Gestures.”
To make up for your missing eye contact, punctuate your
phone conversations with “Uh huh” or “I hear you.” So your lis-
tener knows you’re nodding in approval, verbalize “I see,” “Oh
that’s great,” “No kidding,” “Interesting,” and “Tell me more!”
She didn’t see you hitting your head in surprise? Better say
“What a surprise!” or “You don’t say!”
He just said something impressive and he can’t see your look
ofadmiration? Try “That was wise ofyou” or “You’re no dummy!”
Ofcourse, you need a big verbal smile in your repertoire. Try
“Oh, wow, that’s funny!” Obviously you’re going to choose phrases
that match your personality and the situation. Just make sure your
phone listeners hear your emotions.
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Technique #60
Talking Gestures
Think ofyourselfas the star ofa personal radio drama
every time you pick up the phone. Ifyou want to come
across as engaging as you are, you must turn your
smiles into sound, your nods into noise, and all your
gestures into something your listener can hear. You
must replace your gestures with talk. Then punch up
the whole act 30 percent!
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When you’re not sitting across from each other resting your elbows
on the same desk, your forks on the same table, or your heads on
the same pillow, you need a substitute for intimacy. How can you
create closeness when the two ofyou are hundreds ofmiles apart?
How can you make the person you’re talking to on the phone feel
special when you can’t pat their back or give them a little hug?
The answer is simple. Just use your caller’s name far more
often than you would in person. In fact, shower your conversa-
tions with his or her name. When your listener hears it, it’s like
receiving a verbal caress:
“Thanks, Sam.”
“Let’s do it, Betty.”
“Hey, Demetri, why not?”
“It’s really been good talking to you, Kathi.”
Saying a person’s name too often in face-to-face conversation
sounds manipulative. However, on the phone the effect is dra-
matically different. Ifyou heard someone say your name, even if
you were being jostled around in a big noisy crowd, you’d perk up
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and listen. Likewise, when your phone partner hears his or her own
name coming through the receiver, it commands attention and re-
creates the familiarity the phone robs from you.
Ifyour listener is drifting, it brings him right back. Ifshe’s
opening mail, she stops. Ifhe’s picking his teeth, he pulls the pick
out. When you say someone’s name on the phone, it’s like yank-
ing the person into the room with you.
How to Sound Close (Even ifYou’re Hundreds ofMiles Away)235
Technique #61
Name Shower
People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it
more often on the phone than you would in person to
keep their attention. Your caller’s name re-creates the
eye contact, the caress, you might give in person.
Saying someone’s name repeatedly when face-to-face
sounds pandering. But because there is physical distance
between you on the phone—sometimes you’re a conti-
nent apart—you can spray your conversation with it.
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Brr-ing! No matter whether you hear the ring in the boardroom,
the bedroom, or the bathroom, self-styled telephone experts tell
you, “Smile before answering.” Some pros even suggest you perch
a mirror right next to your phone to monitor your grin.
Been there, done that, doesn’t work. One evening, in the mid-
dle ofmy weekly mud-pack facial, the phone rang. The horror of
seeing myselfin the phone mirror made my voice as hideous as
my face. I immediately trashed the pro’s advice along with the mir-
ror. Who wants to sound like a dizzy Pollyanna? A no-brain
Cheshire cat? A lonely recluse whose life is so dull that the big
thrill ofthe day is a phone call? Any phone call? From anybody!
Big winners don’t smile before answering. They put a smile in
their voices after they hear who is on the line. That’s when it
counts. Answer the phone unemotionally, professionally. Say your
name or the name ofyour company. Then when you hear who is
on the line, the little trick is to let a big smile ﬂood over your face.
“Oh Joe, [smile] how nice to hear from you!” “Sally, [smile]
how are you?” “Bill, [smile] I was hoping it would be you.”
My friend Steve lives in Washington, D.C., and heads a major
trade association that lobbies on Capitol Hill. Whenever I call
Steve, I never know which ofhis dozens ofassistants is going to
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answer. Nevertheless, whoever answers gives me the same warm
response.
First he or she says, “Cable Telecommunications Association,”
the individual’s name, and “How may I direct your call?” No fake
friendliness. No prefab smiles in the voice. I am sure the assistant
is not beaming back at his- or herselfin any mirror.
When I say “Is Mr. Effros available? This is Leil Lowndes call-
ing,” that’s when the employee becomes superfriendly. “Oh yes,
Ms. Lowndes,” he or she purrs. “Deﬁnitely! Let me put you right
through.”
Wow, does that make me feel special! As I’m waiting for Steve
to come to the phone, I fantasize him sitting at the head ofa long
mahogany table in his weekly staffmeeting. I can just hear him
instructing his staff, “Now ifthe president or some higher-ups in
the White House call, put them right through. Oh, and ofcourse,
ifthat important woman Leil Lowndes calls, put her right
through, too.”
While visiting Washington last year, I had lunch with Steve.
I took the opportunity to tell him what a pleasure it was to call
his ofﬁce and how I appreciated his staff’s warm phone reception.
I thanked him for familiarizing each with my name and men-
tioning I might be calling from time to time. Steve looked across
the table at me and blinked. “Leil,” he said, “you teach telephone
skills. Haven’t you caught on?”
“Huh?”
“Forgive me ifI’m bursting a bubble,” Steve said, “but every-
one gets that reception, no matter who’s calling.”
“Oh!”
When a Pain in the Neck Calls
“But Steve,” I protested when I’d recuperated from the initial dis-
appointment that I was a victim ofa technique and not a VIP,
How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You237
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“what ifthe caller is unknown, a complete stranger? Surely your
staffers shouldn’t fake they know the caller.”
“Ofcourse not, Leil. In that case, I instruct them to show
energy and enthusiasm over the reason they’re calling. For exam-
ple, suppose the caller is a cable operator wanting to join our asso-
ciation. The caller would get a smile and a sincere, ‘Oh yes, Mr.
Smith, I’ll put you right through.’”
“Yeah, but suppose the caller is selling ofﬁce furniture?” I
challenged.
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve said. “The salesperson gets the same
reception after the staffer hears why he’s calling. Ifmy staffer says
warmly, ‘Oh, ofﬁce furniture!’ the caller feels good. And I ﬁnd the
salesperson is a lot easier to deal with later.”
I told him, “OK, Steve, starting tomorrow morning, I’m going
to put that ‘Oh wow, I’m so happy you called for that reason’ atti-
tude in my voice.”
The next morning, the ﬁrst call was my dentist’s ofﬁce. “Ms.
Lowndes, this call is to remind you you’re overdue for your six-
month checkup.”
“Oh, ofcourse, you’re so right,” I cooed. “I’m so glad you
called.” The receptionist sounded surprised but very pleased at my
reaction. “I can’t book an appointment right now,” I continued,
“but I’ll call you as soon as my schedule frees up.” She didn’t has-
sle me with her usual “Well, when do you expect that to be?” She
just hung up satisﬁed. (And I got what I wanted—no call from
my dentist’s ofﬁce for at least another six months.)
The second time the phone rang, it was a man who had
ordered my tape set calling to complain that one ofthe tapes
broke. “Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you told me about that,” I
said with the enthusiasm ofhaving won the lottery. The caller
sounded a little shocked but obviously pleased at my reaction. “Of
course, I’ll get another set out to you and I hope you accept my
apologies.” Caller hung up satisﬁed. (And I got what I wanted—
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his good will and word ofmouth in spite ofmy tape duplicator’s
blooper.)
The third call was tougher. This was from a vendor I had com-
pletely forgotten to pay. “Oh, I’m so glad you reminded me ofthat
bill,” I lied. Again, shocked pleasure was the caller’s reaction. (I
was probably the ﬁrst creditor in history who ever sounded happy
she’d called.) “In the back ofmy mind I felt there was one bill I
had overlooked. I’m writing the check as we speak.”
Then I got my reward. The dunner said, “By the way, don’t
worry about the 2 percent per month late-payment charge. As long
as we get your check by the end ofthe week, it will be OK.” She
hung up happy. (And I got a present—no ﬁnance charges in spite
ofmy oversight.)
And so it went throughout the rest ofthe day, the rest ofthe
week, and ever since. Try it. You’ll ﬁnd you get a lot more from any-
one when you smile, after you ﬁnd out who it is or why they’re call-
ing. Use the “Oh Wow, It’s You!” technique on almost every call.
How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You239
Technique #62
“Oh Wow, It’s You!”
Don’t answer the phone with an “I’m just sooo happy
all the time” attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, and
professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a
huge smile ofhappiness engulfyour entire face and
spill over into your voice. You make your caller feel as
though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for him
or her.
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“No, No, Aaaaaagh, not The Screen!” Picture a torture device
called “The Screen.” The mad scientist, laughing maniacally,
forces the victim into a giant meat grinder that mashes him
through a heavy-metal screen. It slices his body into a million mol-
ecules before he’s reconstituted on the other side. Being screened
when you call someone’s ofﬁce is the emotional version ofthat
ordeal.
You place your cold call. “May I speak to Mr. Jones?” you
pleasantly ask.
“Who’s calling?” a haughty voice responds. Ofcourse, your
name is not prestigious enough for the screener to grant you the
exalted status ofspeaking to Jones.
Her ruthless interrogation continues, “And what company are
you with?” You submit your company’s name, praying it will score
with her. And then to top it off, she has the pluck to ask, “And
what’s this in reference to?” Aaaaaagh!
Several weeks after my luncheon with Steve, I had the occa-
sion to call him again. “Is Steve Effros available? This is Leil Lown-
des calling.”
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“Oh yes, Ms. Lowndes, deﬁnitely. Let me put you right
through.” I start humming happily as I wait for Steve to come to
the line.
A moment later his assistant came back and said sympatheti-
cally, “I’m so sorry, Ms. Lowndes. Steve just stepped out to lunch.
I know he’ll be sorry he missed your call.” Meanwhile, I’m still
smiling. Do I suspect that Steve didn’t “just step out to lunch”?
Do I suspect he’s sitting right there? Do I ever, in my wildest para-
noid dreams, think he doesn’t have the time or inclination to talk
to me? Do I feel screened? No way! I’m as happy as a carefree kit-
ten as I leave my number for a callback. You see, I have probably
fallen for “The Sneaky Screen.”
How to Sneak Past the Gatekeeper241
Technique #63
The Sneaky Screen
Ifyou must screen your calls, instruct your staffto ﬁrst
say cheerfully, “Oh yes, I’ll put you right through. May
I tell her who’s calling?” Ifthe party has already
identiﬁed himself, it’s “Oh ofcourse, Mr. Whoozit. I’ll
put you right through.”
When the secretary comes back with the bad news
that Mr. or Ms. Bigwig is unavailable, callers don’t take
it personally and never feel screened. They fall for it
every time, just like I did.
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I know a secret about a big cat who owns an international hotel
chain with properties in six countries. He hires and ﬁres thou-
sands, awards or pulls immense contracts, borrows from major
ﬁnancial institutions, and makes lavish contributions to charities.
Mr. Big Cat (we’ll call him “Ed”) has a respected and immediately
recognizable name in his industry. And here’s the secret: Mrs. Big
Cat is the real brains behind the operation.
I became friends with Mrs. Big Cat (we’ll call her “Sylvia”)
when I did some consulting for her husband’s organization. Sylvia
invited me to tea one afternoon. She sweetly apologized that this
was “maid’s day off” so we’d have to fend for ourselves. As we hap-
pily perched ourselves on the patio and were about to dive into
our tea and crumpets, the phone rang. She excused herselfto
answer it.
I heard Mrs. Big Cat say, “No, I’m sorry, he’s not in. Shall I
tell him who called? . . . No, I don’t know when he is planning on
returning, but ifyou give me your name and . . . No, I said I don’t
know what time he’ll be back . . . Yes, I’ll tell him you called.”
As Sylvia returned to the patio, I could she was annoyed by
the call. Always on the lookout for a good phone story, I ventured
a questioning look.
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Picking up on my curiosity, she said, “That fool thinks he’s
going to get a contribution from Ed. Ha!” she laughed wryly. Her
candor emboldened me to ask her more. It turns out the caller, a
Mr. Creighton, was a fund-raiser for a major charity Ed was con-
sidering contributing to. My hostess said Creighton had called
twice in the past two weeks when Ed was out. “And not once did
he greet me, ask how I was, or apologize for the disturbance.” This
did not please Mrs. Big Cat.
Was it a major irritation for Mrs. Big Cat? No, only minor.
But did it mean a major loss for the little cat who called? It sure
did. In Ed and Sylvia Big Cat’s household, subtleties count. At the
dinner table, Mrs. Big Cat could say to her husband, “A very nice
man named Creighton called for you today, dear.” Or she might
say, “A rather irritating chap named Creighton called for you
today.” One comment or the other could mean millions won or
lost by Creighton’s charity. And all because little cat Creighton
mildly rufﬂed Mrs. Big Cat’s whiskers.
Home advice: Salute the Spouse. Ofﬁce advice: Salute the
Secretary.
A surprising number ofBig Cat spouses—and secretaries—
have deep claws into important business decisions. When it comes
How to Get What You Want on the Phone from Big Shots243
Technique #64
Salute the Spouse
Whenever you are calling someone’s home, always identify
and greet the person who answers. Whenever you call
someone’s ofﬁce more than once or twice, make friends
with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough to answer
the phone is close enough to sway the VIP’s opinion ofyou.
07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 243
hiring time, ﬁring time, promoting time, or buying time, many
spouses have a say. When it comes to whose calls get through,
whose proposals get put on the top ofthe boss’s desk, who gets
luncheon appointments made, secretaries’ opinions count!
Only foolish callers don’t realize all spouses and secretaries
have names. All spouses and secretaries have lives. All spouses and
secretaries have feelings. All spouses and secretaries have inﬂuence.
Deal accordingly.
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When Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone, he and his
comrades had no use for such trite phrases as “Hi, how ya doin’?”
Bell and his boys never just started spouting their ideas into their
listener’s ears. The ﬁrst words out oftheir mouths in those times
were “Can you talk?” Bell and his buddies were, ofcourse, refer-
ring to technical capabilities.
Little did they know, more than a hundred years later, big
winners would use a form ofthat same greeting. Today, ofcourse,
“Can you talk?” means “Is it convenient to talk?” Before launch-
ing into conversation, they always ask “Is this a good time to chat?”
“Did I catch you at a good time?” “Do you have a minute to dis-
cuss the widget account?”
All folks have a Big Ben in their brain that determines how
receptive they are going to be to you and your ideas. When you
mess with their internal cuckoo clock, they won’t listen to you. No
matter how interesting your information, or how pleasant your
call, bad timing means bad results for you.
It’s not your fault. Whenever you call someone at home, you
never know whether she was sleeping or whether there’s a ﬁre rag-
ing in the kitchen stove. Whenever you call someone at work, you
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never know whether he’s got two hours to get a report in or
whether the big boss is not-so-patiently sitting on his desk.
Whenever you place a call, always—not occasionally, not fre-
quently—always ask about your timing. Make it a habit. Make it
a rule. Make it a self-punishable crime ifthe ﬁrst words out ofyour
mouth don’t concern the convenience ofyour timing:
“Hi, Joe, is this a good time to talk?”
“Hello, Susan. Have you got a minute?”
“Hi, Carl, did I catch you good or did I catch you bad?”
“Sam, do you have a second for me to tell you about what
happened at the game last Saturday?”
There are many ways to say it, but it all boils down to “Is this
a good time to talk?”
My friend Barry, a broadcaster, accomplishes more in a day
than most people do in a week. He came up with a clever con-
versational device that ensures he’ll never shatter anyone’s emo-
tional sundial. He calls it “What Color Is Your Time?” Barry
introduces the device by telling people he’s calling he has great
respect for their time. He then asks permission to start his future
conversations with a question that assures he’ll never disturb them
at an inopportune moment. Barry says he’s going to ask what color
their time is. They should honestly answer, “red,” “yellow,” or
“green.”
Red means “I’m really rushed.”
Yellow means “I’m busy but what’s on your mind? Ifit’s quick,
we can deal with it.”
Green means “Sure, I’ve got time. Let’s talk.”
Red, like the stoplight at the corner, means stop. Yellow means
hurry up, time is short or stop and wait for the next green light.
Green means go.
Busy people pick up quickly on his artful device and enjoy the
game. Most especially, they enjoy Barry’s sensitivity and respect
for their time. In fact, he says, most ofhis callers play the same
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sensitive game when they call him. “Hi Barry, what color is your
time? Are you green?”
Salesfolks, Wait for the Green Light
A note here for salespeople. Ifyou ask a prospect ifhe or she has
time to talk and the answer is “Not really, but tell me what’s on
your mind,” DON’T! Do not make your sales pitch while he or
she is red. Do not talk when he or she is yellow. Wait until green,
very green. (Ifyou ever want to see any green coming from your
prospect, that is.)
How to Get What You Want—by Timing!247
Technique #65
What Color Is Your Time?
No matter how urgent you think your call, always
begin by asking the person about timing. Either use the
What Color Is Your Time? device or simply ask, “Is this
a convenient time for you to talk?” When you ask
about timing ﬁrst, you’ll never smash your footprints
right in the middle ofyour telephone partner’s sands of
time. You’ll never get a “No!” just because your timing
wasn’t right.
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You can tell a lot about people just from the outgoing messages
they leave on their voice mail. “Hello,” his machine answers. “I’m
not in right now. But you probably don’t want to talk to me any-
way.” Beep. Would you suspect this fellow has an inferiority
complex?
“Hello,” her machine answers. “The sound you hear is the
barking ofour killer Doberman pinscher, Wolf. Please leave a mes-
sage after the tone.” Beep. Would you suspect this woman is wor-
ried about break-ins? Most ofus don’t record our personal foibles
so conspicuously for the world to hear. Nevertheless, people can
hear a lot between the lines ofwhat we say on our voice mail.
Last month I needed a graphic artist to do some work for one
ofmy extremely conservative clients. I phoned Mark, an artist
whose work I had seen and liked a lot. His answering machine
blasted ear-splitting rock music through the receiver. Then his
voice boomed over the electric guitar, “Hey there, dude, don’t be
crude. Jes’ croon me an earful ofsweeeeeeet sounds right at that
lone tone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Beep. I banged the receiver quickly
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back into the cradle to shut out horrible fantasies ofhow my client
would react ifhe had to call Mark. His thirty-second talent show
might have been an appropriate sample ofa rock musician’s tal-
ent. But a businessperson should opt for a more sedate outgoing
message. The message you leave on your answering machine
reﬂects your work. Keep yours friendly, neutral, and up-to-date.
And here’s the secret: to give the impression you are really on
top ofyour business, change your message every day. Studies show
that callers perceive people to be brighter and more efﬁcient when
they hear an updated message each time they call. Ifappropriate,
let callers know where you are and when you intend to be back.
Ifyou have customers who need to be attended to, this is crucial.
Try something like this on your ofﬁce phone: “This is (name).
It’s Thursday, May 7, and I’ll be in a sales meeting until late this
afternoon. Please leave your message and I’ll get back to you as
soon as I return.” That way, ifyou don’t call a client back until
4p.m.he isn’t steaming.
Also, keep it short. Some people change their message every
day, but it’s too long. I had a colleague, a public speaker named
Dan, who in his ﬁnest melliﬂuous voice imposed his thought for
the day on all unsuspecting callers.
Last year I was working on a project with Dan and had to call
him three times in the same day to leave a progress report. Each
time his machine answered: “Hello, this is Dan, and here’s my
daily motivator.” He cleared his throat for his big recorded per-
formance and then continued. “Did someone say something today
that offended you? So what! That’s their problem.” He paused dra-
matically. “Did someone look at you the wrong way? So what!
That’s their problem.” Again, a pause for the magnitude ofthat
sentiment to sink in. “Replace your petty thoughts ofanger, exas-
peration, and spite with thoughts ofstrength. Calm down. Rise
above those little insigniﬁcant irritations in life. Focus your
thoughts in the direction offulﬁllment and accomplishment. Once
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again, this is Dan.” I’m surprised he didn’t also leave his agent’s
phone number here. “Leave your message at the tone. And have a
great peaceful day.” Beep.
The ﬁrst time I listened to Dan’s “inspirational” message, the
length mildly irritated me. The second time, I found myselfhyper-
ventilating while waiting for him to get through his unbearably
long message. By the third call, his schmaltzy message seemed
interminable. I was ﬁlled with those “petty thoughts ofanger, exas-
peration, and spite” he warned against because ofhis darn mes-
sage. I found it impossible to “rise above it” and “focus my
thoughts in the direction offulﬁllment and accomplishment.” I
wanted to punch him in the nose. Outgoing messages are not the
venues to give inspirational messages or to impress the world with
one’s accomplishments.
Another friend ofmine, a writer, earned herselfa few little cat
stripes with this one on her machine:
“Hello, this is Cheryl Smith. Cheryl is on her national book
tour,” (she paused so all callers could be appropriately impressed)
“making appearances in twelve cities.” (Another pause as though
awaiting applause.) “She’ll be returning on October 7.” (What’s
this “she” bit? Cheryl herselfis speaking.) “Please leave your mes-
sage for her at the tone.” Beep.
Yes, Cheryl, we know you’re an important author. But your
third-party reference to self, your narcissistic tone ofvoice, and
topping it offwith twelve cities would make any big cat snicker
through his whiskers.
One last codicil: Avoid one particular message many busi-
nesspeople use these days—“I’m either away from my desk or on
the other line.” The subtext ofthis message is “I’m a slave chained
to my desk and it is an amazing fact that I have escaped for the
moment.” One night I was working into the wee hours. At 4 a.m.
I decided to leave a message on a colleague’s business phone so
she’d get it as soon as she came in at nine. “Hello,” the message
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chirped. “This is Felicia. I’m either away from my desk or on the
other line right now, but leave your message at the tone.” Beep.
Felicia, ofcourse you’re away from your desk—it’s 4 a.m.on Sun-
day morning! “On the other line?” At this hour? I hope not!
You never know how your message is going to affect some-
one. Just keep yours neutral, friendly, constantly changing, short,
and understated. No boasts, no bells, no whistles.
How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message251
Technique #66
Constantly Changing Outgoing Message
Ifyou want to be perceived as conscientious and
reliable, leave a short, professional, and friendly
greeting as your outgoing message. No music. No jokes.
No inspirational messages. No boasts, bells, or whistles.
And here’s the secret: change it every day. Your message
doesn’t have to be ﬂawless. A little cough or stammer
gives a lovely unpretentious reality to your message.
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Producers ofbig Broadway musicals can be brutal during audi-
tions. An anxious wanna-be star, after rehearsing his audition song
for weeks, steps onstage. He opens his mouth to sing. After a few
notes, the heartless producer shouts, “Thank you. NEEEXXXT!”
Dreams ofstardom dashed in ten seconds!
Businesspeople’s professional dreams can also be dashed in the
ﬁrst ten seconds oftheir “audition.” Their audition is the message
they leave on someone else’s answering machine.
Competent businesspeople wouldn’t dream ofsending a messy
handwritten business letter to a VIP on cheap yellow-stained paper
and expect a response. They know the recipient would toss it in
the trash. Nevertheless, some ofthese same folks will leave a lack-
luster message on a VIP’s voice mail and expect a callback. No one
ever told them that big winners scrutinize messages on their voice
mail with the same consideration ofa big Broadway producer. If
you sound good, you’ve got a chance. Ifyou don’t, you are fast-
forwarded out oftheir life.
Salespeople, suitors, candidates, and competitors who leave
crisp, intelligent, upbeat messages on voice mail get called back.
Losers with lackluster tones and uncrafted messages never hear
from Mr. or Ms. Make It Happen. Make sure your message
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reﬂects three Cs: Conﬁdence, Clarity, and Credibility. In addition,
make it entice, entertain, or interest the listener. A ﬂat “This is Joe,
call me back” doesn’t score with big winners.
Stay Tuned For . . .
Radio DJs use tricks to keep their listeners tuned in. Top sales-
people have similar little tricks to entice prospects to call them
back. Here’s one called a cliff-hanger. To make sure listeners won’t
switch stations during the radio commercial, the broadcaster
throws out a mini-mystery: “And right after the commercial we’ll
be back with the winning ticket . . . It could be yours . . . Stay
tuned!” Whenever you leave a voice mail message for anyone, try
to include a cliff-hanger: “Hi, Harry, this is Andrew. I have the
answer to that question you asked me last week.” Or “Hi Diane,
this is Betsy. I have some big news about that project we were dis-
cussing.” Now Harry and Diane have a reason to call Andrew and
Betsy back.
Pitch personality into your message, too. Picture the people
listening to it. Say something to pique their curiosity or make them
smile. The message you leave is your ten-second audition. Make
it good.
How to Get Them to Call You Back253
Technique #67
Your Ten-Second Audition
While dialing, clear your throat. Ifan answering
machine picks up, pretend the beep is a big Broadway
producer saying “Nexxxt.” Now you’re on. This is Your
Ten-Second Audition to prove you are worthy ofa
quick callback.
07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 253
Incidentally, ifsomeone’s voice mail unexpectedly comes on
and you are unprepared, quickly hang up (before the beep so they
don’t get a hang-up message.) Take a moment to craft your enter-
taining, enticing, or interesting message. Rehearse it once with
conﬁdence, clarity, and charisma. Then redial to leave your great
hot message.
A funny thing happens. Ifyour party answers this time, you’ll
be disappointed.
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The inspiration for this next telephone technique comes from per-
sonal experiences with mid-Manhattan toilets (a less-than-reﬁned
origin, to be sure). New York City, in spite ofall its reputed sophis-
tication, lags some ofthe shabbiest European cities in one respect.
Manhattan has few public toilets. And none ofthose European-
style, charming, and at times very much appreciated, freestanding
structures on street corners.
In the days when I made sales calls around the busy city of
New York, this presented a problem. Several times a day. I often
found myselfat the mercy ofcoffee-shop cashiers who jealously
guarded their restroom facilities. Some shops even put menacingly
scribbled signs in the window, “Bathrooms are for customers only.”
I often found that ifI played it straight—going up to the
cashier and asking ifI could use the amenities—I’d get shot down.
So I used the following technique. Without casting a glance at the
cashier, I’d strut conﬁdently into the coffee shop. I’d march right
past the bathroom bouncer and keep my gaze ﬁxed on one ofthe
booths. She’d assume I was coming for lunch or had simply
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returned to collect my forgotten gloves. Once past the gatekeeper
ofthe loo, I’d wait for her to be busy ringing up the next check.
Then, like greased lightning, I’d sprint into the john.
I dubbed this deception “The Ho-Hum Caper” after my
feigned attitude of“Ho hum, business as usual. I come here every
day with nothing on my mind but lunch.”
Let us now translate that sneaky subterfuge into a seldom-
fail phone technique. You can use the maneuver to sneak around
secretaries and dodge their heartless screening. Instead ofplay-
ing it straight and asking for your party by name, just say “Is he
in?” or “Is she in?” Using the pronoun is verbally sprinting past
the secretary with a business as usual, “Ho hum, I call every day”
attitude.
256
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #68
The Ho-Hum Caper
Instead ofusing your party’s name, casually let the
pronoun
he
or
she
roll offyour tongue. Forget “Uh,
may I speak to Ms. Bigshot please?” Just announce,
“Hi, Bob Smith here, is she in?” Tossing the familiar
she
offyour tongue signals to the secretary that you and
her boss are old buddies.
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Whenever you’re on the phone with someone, you hear a lot more
than their voices. In the background you might hear dogs bark-
ing, babies crying, or a crackling sound. For all you know, the dog
has his tail caught in the refrigerator, the baby has to be fed, or
the house is on ﬁre. When you acknowledge the sound by ask-
ing ifthey have to take care ofit, you warm the hearts ofyour
listeners.
When you are talking to someone at work, you often hear
another phone ringing. Say immediately, “I hear your other line.
Do you have to answer it?” Even ifnot, he or she will appreciate
the gesture. Ifhe does have to catch the other call, you can be sure
he heard nothing you said after the ﬁrst ring. He’s only thinking
“How can I interrupt this babbling person without being rude so
I can answer my other phone?” In fact with every brr-ing, irrita-
tion sets in that you are holding him hostage from doing what he
has to do.
Here is the technique guaranteed to save you from being in
that uncomfortable position.
The subtext, ofcourse, is that you are sensitive to what’s going
on in your caller’s world. Ifyou’re talking to someone far away or
in another country, another way to show you’re tops in the com-
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Say You Have Super
Sensitivity
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munications department is to translate time references into their
time zone. When you leave a message, say “I can be reached
between three and ﬁve your time.”
And don’t forget foreign holidays. Last July 1, I was on the
phone with a client from Australia. I was impressed when he
wished me “Happy Independence Day weekend.” So impressed,
in fact, I ran out to ﬁnd a chart ofinternational holidays. I made
a note in my calendar next January 26 to wish my Aussie friend
“Happy Australia Day.”
Ifyou do business with people around the world, be sure to
extend good wishes to them for their holidays. Forget about your
own ifthey’re not shared. I’m still mortiﬁed about the time last
November when I was on a conference call with a Canadian
clientand seven ofhis salespeople. I wished them all “Happy
Thanksgiving.”
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Technique #69
“I Hear Your Other Line”
When you hear a phone in the background, stop
speaking—in midsentence, ifnecessary—and say “I
hear your other line,” (or your dog barking, your baby
crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has
to attend to it. Whether she does or not, she’ll know
you’re a top communicator for asking.
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The ﬁrst time I saw
The Wizard ofOz
, the story bewitched me.
The second time I saw
The Wizard ofOz
, the special effects
amazed me. The third time I saw
The Wizard ofOz
, the photog-
raphy dazzled me. Have you ever seen a movie twice, three times?
You notice subtleties and hear sounds you completely missed the
ﬁrst time around.
It’s the same on the phone. Hearing it is much better the sec-
ond time around. Because your business conversations are more
consequential than movies, you should listen to them two, maybe
three times. Often we have no clear idea ofwhat really happened
in our phone conversation until we hear it again. You’ll ﬁnd shad-
ings more signiﬁcant than the color ofToto’s collar—and more
scarecrows than you imagined who “haven’t got a brain!”
How do you listen to your important business conversations
again? Simply legally and ethically tape-record them. I call the
technique ofrecording and analyzing your business conversations
for subtleties “Instant Replay.”
Having a tape recorder on her phone could have made a dra-
matic difference in the career ofmy friend Laura. Laura, a nutri-
tionist, had developed an excellent health drink. It deserved to be
marketed nationally.
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I was in Laura’s ofﬁce one day discussing her plans and I said,
“Laura, I’ve got just the contact for you. Several months earlier, I
had met Fred, a man who owned a chain ofsupermarkets. Fred
owed me a favor because, at his request, I’d given a pro bono talk
for a social club he belonged to. Fred was a big banana in the
supermarket world, and with one “yes” he could put my friend’s
health drink in his stores. That would launch Laura nationally.
I placed the call and, lo and behold, he was in. And, an even
bigger lo and behold, Fred sounded interested in Laura’s beverage.
“Put her on,” Fred said.
I proudly handed Laura the phone and their conversation
started out ﬁne. “Oh sure, I’ll send you a sample,” Laura said.
“What’s the address?” Then I heard Laura say, “Uh, wait a minute,
let me get something to write with.” (I rapidly rolled a pen and
pushed a pad in front ofher nose.) “Uh, what’s that again? Did
you say 4201 or 4102? [I moan inaudibly.] And how do you spell
the name ofthe street? [My moan becomes audible.] Whoops, this
pen just ran out ofink. Leil, do you see another pen on my desk?
[I did, and this time I felt like throwing it at her.] Sorry, what’s
that again?”
Yikes, now I wanted to grab the phone out ofLaura’s hands.
She shouldn’t be bothering a busy big banana for details like
repeating addresses. She could have called his secretary back later
for clariﬁcation. But even that would have been unnecessary ifshe
were recording the conversation with the Instant Replay technique.
She could have merely mentioned that she was ﬂipping on the
recorder (most heavy hitters are comfortable with that concept)
and she would have had it on tape.
Fred was nice to Laura that day. But my friend never heard
back from him. And to this day, she wonders why. She’ll never
know the confused phone exchange nixed the deal.
Was Fred being unfair just because Laura was a little slow on
the phone? Absolutely not. Fred ﬁgures, “Ifthis woman is as insen-
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sitive about my time at the beginning ofa possible business rela-
tionship, what’s she going to be like down the pike?” Wise choice,
Fred. I still like Laura. She’s still my friend. But will I introduce
her to any other big winners who might help her? I can’t take the
chance.
How to Set Up Your Instant Replay
Instant Replay is simple and cheap. Go to your local electronics
store and ask for a recorder for your telephone. Slap it on your
phone receiver, and plug the other end into a cassette recorder.
Then turn the recorder on during your next important conversa-
tion. The device could earn you hundreds ofdollars on your ﬁrst
call. In some states the law requires you inform the other party
you are recording them. Make sure to check with the authorities
about the legality in the state where you live. Ifit’s one-party con-
sent, don’t worry. You’re the one party. Obviously you must never
ever use the tape for any other purpose than for your own second
listening. Not only would that be unlawful, but it would be uncon-
scionable. For extra security, don’t leave people’s taped conversa-
tions lying around. Keep the same tape in your cassette machine
and use it over and over to record important details.
With Instant Replay, you can catch balls your conversation
partner throws out on the ﬁrst bounce. You’re on the phone with
your boss. He rambles offfour or ﬁve names in a law ﬁrm you’re
supposed to write to, then the address, then the nine-digit zip
code. Realizing he’s pitched you some pretty fast balls, he asks,
“Shall I repeat that for you?” “No thanks, I got it,” you proudly
say, silently tapping your little tape recorder. Boss is impressed.
Yet another beneﬁt ofInstant Replay—it helps hide your
ignorance. Recently I was on the phone with a cameraman nego-
tiating a price on a videotape to use as a speaker’s demo. Luckily
I was recording the conversation because his ﬂurry ofHi-8, VHS,
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Super VHS, Beta SP, and three-quarter-inch U-matic had me
wanting to crawl into a rodent hole in the wall. But I listened to
the tape ofour conversation afterward. I wrote down all the words
I didn’t understand and then asked a video friend what they
meant. Now I was able to call the cameraman back and say, “I’d
like a two-camera shoot on Beta SP. And can you give me a VHS
dub so I can do some off-line editing?” Don’t you think I got a
much better price than ifI’d asked, “Duh, what’s a Beta SP?”
Forget What They Said, Hear What
They Meant
Instant Replay also makes you sensitive to levels ofcommunica-
tion far deeper than just your callers’ words. You tune in to their
real enthusiasm or hesitation about an idea.
When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us.
Ifwe desperately crave “yes” from someone, we hear “yes.” But
“yes” isn’t always what it seems. A client’s forceful “YES” and her
hesitant “yeee-sss” are different as heaven and hell. Last month I
asked a woman who’d booked me for a speech ifher ofﬁce could
reproduce my ten-page handout. She gave me the answer I wanted,
which was “yes.” Later, however, I relistened to our conversation
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #70
Instant Replay
Record all your business conversations and listen to
them again. The second or third time, you pick up on
signiﬁcant subtleties you missed the ﬁrst time. It’s like
football fans who often don’t know ifthere was a
fumble until they see it all over again in Instant Replay.
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on tape. Her answer about the handouts had been a very hesitant,
“Hmm, well, yes.” I immediately called her back and said, “By the
way, don’t worry about those handouts.”
“Oh, I’m so glad!” she purred. “Because we really don’t have
the budget for things like that.” I gained much more in my client’s
goodwill than the value ofreproducing a few sheets ofpaper.
Let us now return to your live, in-person show. We’re going
to talk not only about how to be a hit at a party, but how to
smoothly hit on all the folks you want—just like a politician.
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265
PARTEIGHT
How to Work a Party
Like a Politician
Works a Room
The Politician’s Six-Point
Party Checklist
When invited to a party, most ofus waft into a ﬂuffy thought pro-
cess. Our random reverie goes something like this: “Hmm, this
could be fun. . . . Wonder ifthey’re going to serve food. . . . Hope
it’s good. . . . Might be some interesting people there. . . . Won-
der ifmy friend so ’n’ so is coming. . . . Golly, what should I wear?”
That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party, however.
While politicians, heavy-duty networkers, serious socializers, and
big winners in the business world are staring at the invitation, they
instinctively surfto a different channel. Before they RSVP with
“yes” or “no,” their brains craft journalistic campaign questions.
It’s the Six-Point Party Checklist. Who? When? What? Why?
Where? And How?
Let’s take them one by one.
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Who Is Going to Be at
the Party?
More speciﬁcally, who will be there that I should meet? Serious
networkers calculate “Who must I meet for business? Who should
I meet for political or social reasons?” And, ifsingle and search-
ing, “Who do I want to meet for possible love?”
Ifthey don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask.
Politicians unabashedly telephone the host or hostess ofthe party
and ask, “Who’s coming?” As the party giver chats casually about
the guest list, politicians scribble the names ofthe people who
interest them, then resolve to meet each.
When Should I Arrive?
Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they ﬁnish get-
ting dressed. They don’t ask themselves, “Hmm, should I be fash-
ionably late?” They carefully calculate their estimated time of
arrival and estimated time ofdeparture.
Ifthe party is bulging with contacts, biggies get there early to
start hitting their marks as each arrives. VIPs frequently come early
to get their business done before party regulars who “hate to be
the ﬁrst one there” start arriving. They are never embarrassed to
arrive early. After all, the only people who see them are other early
arrivals who are often heavy hitters like themselves.
Nor will you ﬁnd politicians prowling around, the last to slink
out the door. Once they’ve accomplished what they set out to do,
they’re on their way to the next opportunity. Iftheir agenda is
more social, they try to leave their departure time open and their
aprés-party schedule free. That way, ifthey make an important
new contact, they can stay around and talk with him. Or drive her
home. Or go somewhere else for coffee.
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What Should I Take with Me?
A politician’s checklist is not the usual, “Let’s see, my comb,
cologne, and breath mints.” They pack more functional network-
ing tools in their pockets or purses.
Ifcorporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pock-
etful ofbusiness cards. Ifit’s a gala where people are gadding about
on the social ladder and they want to exude old-world elegance,
they grab a handful ofsocial cards containing only their name and
possibly an address and phone number. (Some feel giving out a
business card in a purely social setting can be gauche.) The most
vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and pen to keep track
ofimportant contacts.
Why Is the Party Being Given?
The politician’s perpetual philosophy of“penetrate the ostensible”
enters here. (That’s just a fancy way ofsaying “look under the
rug.”) They ask themselves, “What is the ostensible reason for the
party?” A big industrialist is giving his daughter a graduation
party? A newly divorced executive is throwing himselfa birthday
bash? A ﬂoundering business is celebrating its tenth year?
“Nice,” politicians say to themselves, “that’s the ostensible. But
what’s the real reason for the party?” Maybe the industrialist wants
to get his daughter a good job so he’s invited dozens ofpotential
employers. The birthday boy is single again so the guest list is
heavy with attractive and accomplished females. The business des-
perately needs good PR ifit’s going to stay around another ten
years. So they’ve invited the press and community makers and
shakers.
Politicians have expert under-rug vision to spot the host’s real
agenda. They will, ofcourse, never discuss it at the party. How-
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ever, the insight elevates them to a shared state ofhigher con-
sciousness with other heavy hitters at the bash.
Their knowledge also makes them valuable agents for the
party giver. A savvy politician introduces the job-seeking daugh-
ter to some executives at the party or tells the most alluring women
at the bash what a great guy birthday boy is. When chatting with
reporters, he talks up the host’s business that needs good PR.
When people support the real
why
ofthe party, they become
popular and sought-after guests for future events.
Where Is the Collective Mind?
Often people from one profession or one interest group will com-
prise most ofthe guest list. A politician never accepts any invita-
tion without asking herself, “What kind ofpeople will be at this
party, and what will they be thinking about?” Perhaps there will
be a drove ofdoctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines
and rehearses a little doc-talk. Ifthe guests are a nest ofnew-age
voters, the politician gets up to speed on telepathic healing, Tantric
toning, and trance dancing. Politicians can’t afford to not be in the
know.
How Am I Going to Follow Up on
the Party?
Now, the big ﬁnale. I call it “Contact Cement.” It’s cementing the
contacts the politician has made. After meeting a good contact
and exchanging cards, practically everyone says, “It’s been great
talking to you. We’ll stay in touch.”
This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort.
Politicians, however, make a science out ofkeeping up the con-
tact. After the party, they sit at their desks and, like a game ofsoli-
taire, lay out the business cards ofthe people they’ve met. Using
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“The Business Card Dossier” technique described later in this sec-
tion, they decide how, when, and ifto deal with each. Does this
person require a phone call? Should that one receive a handwrit-
ten note? Shall I E-mail or call the other one?
Use the Six-Point Party Checklist—the Who? When? Why?
Where? What? and How? ofa party—as your general game plan.
Now let’s get down to speciﬁcs.
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The average party goer, let’s say Charlie, arrives at the bash. He
makes a beeline for the refreshment table for munchies and a bev-
erage. He then ﬁnds a few buddies and starts chatting away with
them.
Chewing the nibbles on his plate and the fat with his friends,
he occasionally looks around the room to see who might be new
and fun to talk to. He’s hoping several attractive and interesting
people at the party will spot him and come over to talk.
What’s wrong with Charlie’s approach? Everything, ifChar-
lie wants to make the party productive. Let’s start with the aver-
age party goer’s ﬁrst mistake—getting some refreshments and a
drink right offthe bat.
People mingling at a party make judgments, often subcon-
scious, about whom they are going to approach. Have you ever
lived on a farm? Or had a dog or a cat? Then you know you never
disturb animals when they are eating. Likewise, when a human
animal is eating, other human animals do not feel comfortable
advancing. Ifparty goers’ eyes scan the crowd and see you with
the feed bag on, they pass right over you. Subconsciously they’re
saying to themselves, “Let the hungry hound chow down and
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maybe we’ll talk later.” Later never comes because they wind up
making friends with someone else whose mouth wasn’t full.
Politicians always eat before they come to the party. They
know they’d need a circus juggler’s talent to shake hands, exchange
business cards, hold a drink, and stuffcrackers and cheese into
their mouths—all with just two hands.
How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper271
Technique #71
Munching or Mingling
Politicians want to be eyeball to eyeball and belly to
belly with their constituents. Like any big winner well
versed in the science ofproxemics and spatial
relationships, they know any object except their belt
buckle has the effect ofa brick wall between two
people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a
party.
Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not
expect to do both. Like a good politician, chow down
before you come.
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Loretta Young makes television history when she appears at the
head ofher immense staircase and surveys the set. Then she
swoops down to start the show.
The Pope steps out onto his balcony overlooking St. Peter’s
Square in Rome and surveys the crowd. Then he begins the
benediction.
Bette Davis stops in the doorway and looks around. Then she
mutters, “What a dump!”
And every late-night TV comic since “Heeeere’s Johnny!”
steps center stage and scrutinizes the applauding audience. Then
he reveals the reason for the smirk on his face.
What do all these great entrances have in common? Each
pauses momentarily and looks around before swooping into deci-
sive action.
Movie directors love shots ofTHE DOORWAY where the
camera pans, the music swells, and all eyes gravitate to the hon-
cho or honchoette standing under the frame. Does the star skulk
into the room like a frightened little kitten in a new owner’s home?
Or, like many ofus do at a party, frantically gravitate to the ﬁrst
familiar face so people won’t think he or she’s unconnected? No,
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the star stops. Then, framed by the doorway, his or her notable
presence is felt by all.
People who have mastered this trick have what envious the-
atrical wanna-bes call “stage presence.” Stage groupies think some
lucky stars are born with it. Think again, thespians. It’s cultivated.
Politicians don’t just slink unnoticed into a roomful ofpeople.
Politicians make The Entrance.
With one simple technique, you too can make great entrances.
I call it “Rubberneck the Room.” Before entering, stop dramatically
in the doorway and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-y with your eyes. It
is signiﬁcant that, while you’re standing in the doorway, you’re not
thinking, “Look at me.” The reason you’re Rubbernecking the
Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the situation
you’re walking into. Take note ofthe lighting, the bar, and most
important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz ofthe crowd, the
clinking ofglasses. See who is talking to whom. While rubber-
necking, you’ll also be using “Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee,”
the next technique, which helps you select your ﬁrst, second, and
maybe third target. Now, like the big cat who rules the jungle, leap
in to make your ﬁrst move toward wiping up the room.
In tandem with Rubberneck the Room, try using the follow-
ing technique.
How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance273
Technique #72
Rubberneck the Room
When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in
the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let
your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team
ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.
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Politicians don’t wait for others to approach them. Ifthe party host
or their campaign manager has not supplied a “must meet” list,
they choose their targets while Rubbernecking the Room. As their
keen eyes scan the crowd, they’re asking themselves “Who would
I most enjoy talking to? Who looks like they could be most ben-
eﬁcial to my life? Who could I learn most from in this gang?”
How do they choose? They look at everyone the same way my
friend, Bob, the caricature artist, looks at people. You can tell a
whole lot more than you realize ifyou keep your gaze ﬁxed on
someone. Every twinkle in someone’s eye and every line sur-
rounding it tells a story—the story ofthe life he or she leads. Who
was it who said, “At age thirty, everyone has the face he deserves”?
Yet few ofus consciously look into strangers’ eyes. How foolish
that, at a party or convention for making contacts, most people
are embarrassed to make eye contact with people we don’t know.
In my networking seminar, I prime participants to make
intense visual contact by asking them to form a big circle, walk
around the room, and silently stare at each other. “Gaze into each
other’s eyes,” I tell them. “Examine each other’s movements.”
As they are walking, I say, “The most important business con-
tact, the dearest friend, or the love ofyour life is probably not in
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this room. Nevertheless, sometime soon, you will be in a room
where you will spot someone you sense could change your life. I
want you to be prepared. I want you to have the courage to make
the approach and not wait in vain for that special someone to
approach you.” While strolling and staring, I ask them to silently
choose the four people they most want to talk to during the break.
“Only the Beautiful People Will
Be Chosen”
When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the
participants assume everyone will make a beeline for the most
attractive people. It never happens. Something mystical occurs
when people take the time to really look at each other. Everyone
discovers a distinctive beauty in one or two other people that is
very personal, very special, and speaks uniquely to the seeker.
The dearest friend in my life was a homely little fellow named
Chip. He was only 5 feet 2 inches tall. Chip had a huge nose and
funny little eyes peeping out through thick glasses. At a party,
without using this technique, I probably would never have noticed
Chip. However, my concentration was on him the day we met
because he was giving a speech. When I gazed intently into his
eyes and watched his lips moving, I saw such subjective beauty
coming from his face. He became my best friend for twelve years
until a tragic disease took his life. Nevertheless, Chip remained
beautiful to me until the end because, no matter how twisted his
body became with illness, the beauty shone through his spirit.
As the seminar participants explore each other’s faces and
movements, they discover the subjective beauty in their faces, in
their spirits. No one can explain why one person chooses another
as one ofhis or her special four. Yet practically everyone returns
from the break having made a new good friend. Never is anyone
left unchosen.
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When you seek people’s special qualities by exploring their
faces, you will ﬁnd them. Ifyou want to walk out ofany gather-
ing with your life enhanced, spend time with people you choose,
not just those who choose you. Be choosey in who you pick. But
don’t wait to be the choosee.
“Sure, in a Seminar, It’s Easy, but
What About Real Life?”
Sometimes, after the break, a participant will say, “It was simple
to go up to people I wanted to talk to this time because you gave
it as an assignment. But what about at a real party?” Recently, one
ofmy participants named Todd asked me this question in front of
the group.
I asked, “Todd, how did you make the approach this time?”
“Well, I just went up and said, ‘Hi, I’m Todd. I wanted to talk
to you.’”
“Well?” I asked.
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Technique #73
Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee
The lifelong friend, the love ofyour life, or the business
contact who will transform your future may not be at
the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will
be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event.
Do not stand around waiting for the moment when
that special person approaches you. You make it happen
by exploring every face in the room. No more “ships
passing in the night.” Capture whatever or whomever
you want in your life.
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It dawned on him that he could use this opening phrase to
meet anyone at any party. To smooth a potentially awkward
moment, you quickly follow up with an innocuous question like
“How do you know the hostess?” or “Do you live in the area?”
Now, you’re offand running just as though the host had intro-
duced you.
Ofcourse, other choosey people will be prowling around the
party. Some ofthem, after scrutinizing you, will decide you are
one ofthe special people they choose to talk to. The following is
a subliminal maneuver to make it easy for them come over to con-
ﬁrm they made a wise choice.
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Have you ever noticed how comfortable you feel sauntering into
certain rooms? The chairs are arranged in a way that welcomes
you as ifsaying, “Come right on in and sit on me.” Conversely,
you enter other rooms where you must navigate a circuitous route
around tables and dressers before you ﬁnally ﬁnd a free chair.
Likewise, some people arrange
their
body furniture, their arms
and legs, to say, “Hey, come right on over and talk to me.” Yet
other people’s body furniture shouts, “Keep out! Approach at your
own risk.” Shy people inadvertently say “stay away” when they fold
their arms. They give offinsecure signals by clutching a purse,
clasping a drink, or smoking a cigarette.
Controlled studies show that party goers are more comfort-
able approaching people who stand with an open body, arms
uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly separated, a slight
smile on their faces. Any object between you and the crowd is a
subliminal cutoff—even your purse. More people approach a
woman who sports a shoulder bag than one squeezing a handbag.
The shoulder bag hangs behind her back, thus leaving the path to
talk to her open.
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Give Them the Ol’ Wrist Flash
Now, here’s the pièce de résistance. Next to your face, your wrists
and palms are one ofthe most expressive parts ofyour body. Palms
up speak volumes ofgood sentiments.
The Pope’s wrists and palms are up when he beckons “Come
unto me my brethren.” The burglar’s wrists and palms are up
when he says, “I give up, don’t shoot.” The innocent man’s wrists
and palms are up when he’s saying, “I don’t know who took
themoney.” Vulnerable, open palms signify “I have nothing to
hide.”
They also signify acceptance. When you are listening to a
business colleague to whom you want to signal acceptance, make
sure your wrists and palms are up. Even ifyou’re resting your head
on your chin, turn your wrists forward. Whenever you are chat-
ting with anyone, give yourselfa constant hand check. Make sure
you don’t point your knuckles directly toward anyone. Let them
have the pleasure ofseeing the soft, tender “come hither” skin of
your wrists and palms, not the wrinkled “go away” hide on your
knuckles.
Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some talk-
ing for you. Women instinctively turn their wrists and palms
upward when a man excites them. (In fact, the ol’ wrist ﬂash while
talking with males subconsciously gives them a sexy jolt.)
Pave a Clear Path for People Who
Find You Special
Frightened little jungle cats crouch behind rocks and logs so no
bigger animals will spot them. In the social jungle, shy people do
the same. They instinctively seek out corners and sit in seats where
they won’t be seen.
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Whereas lynxes and lions stroll conﬁdently to the center of
the jungle clearing, human big cats in the social jungle also stand
conﬁdently in a clearing so others can see them. Like a politician,
position yourselfnear a doorway since everyone must pass your
way at some point in the evening.
Now we come to a technique all politicians use. In fact, some
political pundits have credited the election ofboth John Kennedy
and Bill Clinton to their mastery ofthe technique I call “Tracking.”
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Technique #74
Come-Hither Hands
Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When
standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open
position—especially your arms and hands. People
instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists
seductively arranged in the “come hither” position.
They shy away from knuckles in the “get lost or I’ll
punch you” position. Use your wrists and palms to say
“I have nothing to hide,” “I accept you and what you’re
saying,” or “I ﬁnd you sexy.”
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In the 1940s, movies were different. Before experimental ﬁlms, cin-
ema verité, and nouvelle vague, they had stories. Americans
hopped in their Buicks—a foxtail tied to the radio antenna and
baby boots suspended from the rearview mirror—drove to the
movie house, and watched a story unfold before them.
Almost invariably, the hero and heroine on the silver screen
would meet, fall in love, overcome seemingly impossible obstacles,
get married, and (presumably) live happily after. Oh, the stories
varied slightly. But there was always a leading man and maybe a
leading woman. Then there was the rest ofthe world. The sup-
porting characters could live or die without much brouhaha. But
every minor event in the star’s life was signiﬁcant.
Well, movies may have changed. Human nature hasn’t. Every-
one feels like the star ofa 1940s movie. Every trivial event in their
lives is momentous. “There’s ME. Then there’s the rest ofthe
world.”
What someone had for breakfast, what shoes he chose to wear,
and whether he took time to ﬂoss his teeth can be more impor-
tant to that particular someone than the fall offaraway nations or
the rise ofglobal temperatures.
Husbands and wives sometimes share their spouse’s minutiae:
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“What did you have for breakfast, Honey?”
“You didn’t wear
those
shoes, did you?”
“Did you remember to ﬂoss?”
To create an interesting intimacy, big winners make a point to
remember minute details ofimportant contacts’ lives. They obvi-
ously don’t feign interest in what they had for breakfast or whether
they ﬂossed or forgot. But to make someone feel like a big star,
they remember details their contact does happen to share.
Take their lead. Ifa prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies
for breakfast, allude to it later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you
she wore uncomfortable shoes to work one day, ﬁnd a way to refer
to it on another. Ifyour client mentions he’s a resolute ﬂosser, com-
pliment him at a later date on his discipline. It hints he or she is a
memorable star in the galaxy ofpeople you’ve met. It’s called
“Tracking” their lives. When you track their minutiae, you make
them feel like 1940s movie stars and that minor events in their lives
are major concerns in yours.
Don’t Leave It to Chance
Politicians make a science out ofTracking. They keep a little black
box either on their desk, in their computer, or in their brain ofthe
last concern, enthusiasm, or event discussed with everyone in their
life. They keep track ofwhere the people were, what they said,
and what they were doing since the last conversation. Then the
ﬁrst words ofthe next phone call or meeting with that person
relates to that information:
“Hello, Joe. How was your trip to Jamaica?”
“Hey Sam, did your kid make the baseball team?”
“Hi, Sally. Have you heard back from your client yet?”
“Nice to hear from you, Bob. It means you survived that
Szechuan restaurant you were going to last time we spoke.”
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When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s
life, it conﬁrms what they’ve known all along. They’re the most
important person in the world.
One ofthe most powerful forms oftracking is remembering
anniversaries ofpeople’s personal achievements. Did your boss get
promoted to her present position one year ago today? Did your
client go public? How much more memorable than a birthday card
to send a one-year congratulations note.
Remembering people’s private passions is another. Several
years ago, I wrote regularly for a magazine. My then-editor, Car-
rie, was obsessed with her new kitten named Cookie. Recently I
ran into Carrie at a writer’s conference. In early conversation I said
to her, “I guess Cookie’s a full-grown cat by now. How is she?”
Carrie’s astonished smile was my reward.
“Leil,” she squealed, “I can’t believe you remember Cookie.
Yes, she’s ﬁne now and . . .” Carrie went on for another ten min-
utes about Cookie, the now full-grown cat.
How to Make ’Em Feel Like a Movie Star283
Technique #75
Tracking
Like an air-trafﬁc controller, track the tiniest details of
your conversation partners’ lives. Refer to them in your
conversation like a major news story. It creates a power-
ful sense ofintimacy.
When you invoke the last major or minor event in
anyone’s life, it conﬁrms the deep conviction that he or
she is an old-style hero around whom the world
revolves. And people love you for recognizing their
stardom.
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A week later I got a call from Carrie asking me ifI’d do a big
story for her magazine. Did she think ofme because I used the
Tracking technique and remembered Cookie? Nobody can say,
but I have my suspicions. I’ve seen the Tracking technique work
on too many people to assume the rewards are coincidental.
How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so
many people? They use the following technique.
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Several years ago, I attended a political fund-raising event in a
Midwestern state. One guest intrigued me. Sometimes I’d see him
in animated conversation with several people. Other times, he’d
be standing alone scribbling something on a card in his hand.
Then the next time I’d look up, he’d be chatting it up with some-
one else. The next minute, he’d be scribbling in his hand again.
He repeated this pattern for over an hour. I became as curious as
a nosy neighbor. Who was this fellow?
At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the
refreshment table. He came up to me with a big smile, a warm
handshake, and introduced himself. “Hi, I’m Joe Smith.” He asked
me what I was drinking. I told him white wine and we started dis-
cussing preferences. I happened to mention my favorite white was
Sancerre. While we talked, I had to bite my tongue to resist ask-
ing him what he’d been up to with the feverish note taking.
A few minutes later, I spotted a friend across the room and
excused myself. He asked for my card and, as I walked away, I
peeked over my shoulder. I knew it! There he was, scribbling on
my card. That was my opening. I turned back and, trying to pass
my inquiry offas a joke, said, “Hey, I didn’t give you my meas-
urements. What’s that you’re writing?”
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He gave a hearty laugh at my tasteless joke and said, “You
caught me!” He turned over my card and I saw one word written
on it:
Sancerre
. Then, to assuage my paranoia, he emptied his
pocketful ofpeople’s business cards to show me scribbles on the
back ofeach. I assumed it was just Joe’s little system to help him
remember people. It wasn’t until months later that I saw the
method to his madness.
One morning I went to my mailbox and found a personal
postcard from Joe. He told me he was running for state senator.
Then at the bottom ofthe card, he’d written, “Had any good
Sancerre lately?” That won my heart. Had I lived in his state, a lit-
tle touch like that might have swayed my vote to him.
They may not jump up and down asking, “How did you
remember that?” Nevertheless, they will remember you. No
matter how important the VIP, he or she senses a special kinship
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Technique #76
The Business Card Dossier
Right after you’ve talked to someone at a party, take
out your pen. On the back ofhis or her business card
write notes to remind you ofthe conversation: his
favorite restaurant, sport, movie, or drink; whom she
admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or
maybe a joke he told.
In your next communication, toss offa reference to
the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, drink, hometown,
high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the great
joke.
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with the person who refers to other than their usual well-known
accomplishments.
Politicians are constantly selling themselves. (Ifyou’ve ever
wondered why America is called “The Land ofPromise,” just keep
your ears open in election year.) But, ofcourse, to know what to
promise people, politicians use the next super sales technique called
“Eyeball Selling.”
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The percentage ofsales that Jimmi, a good friend ofmine, makes
is not to be believed. Even his sales manager doesn’t know how he
does it. But I do. Because he told me.
Jimmi says the fancy sales techniques he’s learned over the
years (Beneﬁts Selling, Partnering, Selling to Personality Types,
Value-Added Concept, Rejection Prooﬁng, Spin Selling) all pale
next to what he calls “Eyeball Selling.”
Eyeball Selling is not memorizing two dozen closing tech-
niques. Nor is it verbally sparring with a customer to overcome
objections. Jimmi says it’s quite simply keeping his eyes open,
watching his customer’s reactions, and adjusting his sales pitch
according to how his customer’s body moves.
While Jimmi is giving his sales pitch, he’s concentrating more
on how his customer ﬁdgets, twitches, and squirms than on what
he’s saying. He’s scrutinizing his customer’s involuntary head move-
ments. He’s studying her hand gestures, her body rotation, her facial
expressions—even her eye ﬂuctuations. Jimmi says when his cus-
tomer is not saying a word, even ifshe’s trying to give you a poker
face, she cannot not communicate. She may not say in words how
receptive she is to your pitch, but she’s clearly telling you nonethe-
less. Jimmi says knowing what turns a prospect on, what turns her
off, and what leaves her neutral from moment to moment can make
or break the sale.
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How Jimmi Finds Out Where the
Buck Stops
The product Jimmi sells is expensive lighting equipment. Often
he must make sales presentations to groups often, twenty, or more
people. He says, “The ﬁrst challenge in Eyeball Selling is discov-
ering who the real decision maker is.”
Jimmi meets his challenge in an unorthodox (not necessarily
recommended) way. Right after “Good afternoon, gentlemen and
ladies,” he says something slightly confusing. Why? Because the
surprised group doesn’t know how to react. So their heads all twirl
like weather vanes on a windy day to look at—guess who?—the
honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. Now Jimmi’s
got his decision maker so he can continue Eyeball Selling to that
person.
What to Do When You Get Your Cue
Some signals are obvious,” Jimmi says. “People shrug their shoul-
ders for indifference, tap their ﬁngers for impatience, or loosen
their collar when they feel uncomfortable. But there are hundreds
ofother unconscious gestures I keep my antennae tuned for.
“For example, I watch the exact angle ofmy prospect’s head
position. Ifit’s fully facing me, especially ifit’s cocked at a cute
little angle, it means they’re interested. In that case, I keep right
on talking. But iftheir head is slightly turning away, that’s a bad
sign. I take it as a cue to change the subject and maybe talk about
a different beneﬁt ofmy product.”
Jimmi not only tailors what he’s saying to his customers’ reac-
tions, but he actively takes steps to change his prospect’s body posi-
tion ifhe feels it’s not receptive. He says, “The body must be open
before the mind can follow.” For example, he continues, “Ifyour
customer has his arms crossed in front ofhis chest, hand him some-
thing to look at so he has to unfold them to take it from you.” Jimmi
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always carries a briefcase full ofprops to break down the barriers.
He has photos ofhis wife and kids to hand married prospects, snap-
shots ofhis Skye terrier for customers that have a dog, an antique
watch to show antique lovers, and a pocket-size computer to show
gadget fanatics. Jimmi says, “As long as I can get them to open their
arms to reach for something, I have a shot at their minds.”
Jimmi also paces the timing ofhis pitch to match his cus-
tomers’ covert reactions. When his client reaches for an object, he
takes it as a cue to talk slower or just be quiet. Reaching for a paper
clip or fondling a folder on the desk says, “I’m thinking about it.”
Ofcourse, Jimmi is on constant lookout for sales-ready sig-
nals like picking up the contract, fondling the pen, or turning their
palms up. At that point, he cuts quickly to the close.
Another cue to bring out the contract-signing pen is when
your prospect’s head starts bobbing up and down like a plastic
duck. They’re silently screaming, “Yes, I’ll buy!” Unskilled sales-
people just keep on talking until they ﬁnish the pitch they learned
in training. Many keep talking so long, they unsell themselves.
Conversely, when customers move their heads back and forth, no
matter what they are saying, they mean “No!”
Eyeballing Is Not for Selling Only
Without a word, your friends and loved ones also show their
wishes. When my friend Deborah became engaged to Tony, it
seemed obvious to everyone—except Deborah—that it was not a
marriage made in heaven. A few months before their wedding I
said, “Deb, are you really sure Tony’s the one for you?”
“Oh yes,” she said, her head moving right and left, back and
forth, “I love him very much.” That marriage never took place.
Her body recognized what her mind hadn’t yet realized.
Like a politician, think ofyour social conversations as sales
pitches. Even ifyou have no product, you want them to buy your
ideas. Ifyour listener turns away while you’re talking, don’t con-
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centrate on how rude the person is. Like a sales pro, ask yourself,
“How can I change the subject to turn this person on?” Iftheir
whole body starts to turn away, use the time-honored personal
question ploy. Ask about their favorite topic. “George, how big did
you say that bass you caught last week was?” Or use his name and
ask a personal question. That’s always a grabber. “Archibald, what
did you say the name ofyour high school football team was?”
We’ve talked about only a few responses. Hints for reading
someone’s body language could ﬁll a book. In fact, they have—
many ofthem. I suggest a few ofmy favorites in the references.21–26
Read up on body language and tune in to its visual channel when-
ever you’re trying to sell to people, get their vote, or convince them
you’re the best candidate for the job or the role oflife partner.
Wouldn’t it be super to have Jimmi’s success rate with our listeners
accepting whatever we say? We can ifwe just keep our eyes open.
A Quick Review
That’s all there is to it. You’ll remember to eat before coming to
the party (the Munching or Mingling technique) to leave your
How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs291
Technique #77
Eyeball Selling
The human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting
station that transmits “You thrill me.” “You bore me.”
“I love that aspect ofyour product.” “That one puts my
feet to sleep.”
Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick
up on all your customers’ and friends’ signals. Then
plan your pitch and your pace accordingly.
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hands free for heavy networking. When you arrive, you’ll stop in
the doorway and Rubberneck the Room to get the lay ofthe land.
While rubbernecking, you’ll Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee and
pick your prospects for the evening. When standing around, you
will be relaxing and inviting with Come-Hither Hands.
You haven’t forgotten, ofcourse, to use the meeting-people
techniques from previous chapters. Ifyou spot someone you want
to talk to, check them out for a Whatzit you can comment on.
Finding none, just ask the party giver, Whoozat? Ifthe host or
hostess is not in sight, simply stand near your target and resort to
the Eavesdrop In technique.
While chatting with anyone you’ve previously met, you will,
ofcourse, use Tracking to win their vote or heart and all the tech-
niques in Part Two to ensure the conversation is interesting for
your new acquaintance. Finally, you’ll employ Eyeball Selling to
make sure you’re on target with every conversation. And don’t for-
get, as you say “so long,” to scribble material for your next contact
on your Business Card Dossier.
It’s a good feeling when you’ve done it all right. Continue
using these techniques politicians use to work a room, and you’ll
suffer no more unimportant parties. And, following the advice
throughout the book, you’ll never strike anyone as an unimpor-
tant person.
Now we move on to the advanced section of
How to Talk to
Anyone
. Some ofthe following techniques may make you scratch
your head in confusion. Pay special attention to the ones that do
because it means somewhere, sometime, you might ﬁnd yourself
scratching your head over something much more painful—like the
bump from hitting a glass ceiling, or why the business deal, friend-
ship, or love affair went sour. You might never know, unless you
read it here, that it was your own communications fumble.
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293
PARTNINE
How to Break the
Most Treacherous
Glass Ceiling of All
Sometimes People Are Tigers
Every week, when I was a kid, my mother took me to the National
Geographic Society to see a ﬁlm. The one on tigers invades my
nightmares these many years later. Sitting there in the darkened
theater, I watched a mother give birth to three tiny cubs. One was
born with a mangled leg. I witnessed how all the other tiger cubs
excluded him. And right there in front ofthe cameras, he was tor-
tured to death by the others. I remember crying and thinking how
the healthy cubs were like a few ofthe kids in my school. Some-
times they could be very cruel.
My best friend in grade school was Stella and she was a beau-
tiful girl inside and out. But she had a speech defect, a cleft palate.
And many ofour classmates laughed at her behind her back and
excluded her from their games.
Kids haven’t changed much. When I give talks for colleges and
young people’s groups, the discussion often turns to popularity.
Everyone wants to be liked. Occasionally students tell me stories
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about how some girl has a minor physical defect, say, a crossed eye
or a nervous twitch. They say some kids laugh and make fun of
her. Or a boy has a limp so no one chooses him for their baseball
team. Even ifhe can run just as fast as the other kids, some ofhis
classmates don’t like the image of“a cripple” being on their side.
The years go by and kids become adults. Not too much
changes. Adults are not as cruel, happily, about physical disabili-
ties. But they can be brutal about social disabilities. Social dis-
abilities are insidious because often we don’t recognize them in
ourselves. We can be blind to our social handicaps and deafto our
verbal deﬁciencies. But we’re quick to recognize them in others.
How many times has one ofyour associates made a dumb,
insensitive gaffe? How often have you written somebody off
because ofsome stupid move? Do you think he knew what he was
doing? Ofcourse not. He had no idea he was crossing a line or
stepping on your toes. Probably no one ever told him about the
subtleties we’re going to discuss in this ﬁnal section of
How to Talk
to Anyone
.
We’ve all heard about the glass ceiling some companies con-
struct over women and minorities. People seldom discuss another
kind ofglass ceiling. This one is even more treacherous because
you can’t legislate against it and only top communicators recog-
nize it. Yet it’s a rock-hard shield. Many bright individuals hit their
heads on the thick glass as they try to climb up the next rung of
the ladder to join the big boys and big girls on top. The folks able
to crash through are the ones who abide by the unspoken rules
that follow.
Consider each ofthe following techniques. Ifyou ﬁnd any of
them obvious, give yourselfa pat on the back. It means you’re
already a tiger on that one. Be on the lookout for those commu-
nications sensitivities where you ﬁnd yourselfsaying, “You gotta
be kidding! What’s wrong with that?”
Watch out! It means someday, somewhere, you might commit
that particular insensitivity. Then, when a big winner responds
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coolly to your suggestion, doesn’t return your phone call, doesn’t
give you the promotion, doesn’t invite you to the party, doesn’t
accept your date, you’ll never know what happened. Read each of
the following techniques to ensure you’re not making any ofthese
subtle mistakes, that let the big players lacerate you and keep you
from getting what you want in life.
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One remarkable reaction opened my eyes to yet another differ-
ence between big winners and little losers. Several years ago I was
doing a project for a client. I had the pleasure ofbeing taken to
lunch by the four biggest ﬁsh in the ﬁrm. They wanted to famil-
iarize me with communications problems their company was
experiencing.
We went to a busy midtown restaurant at peak lunchtime.
Every table was ﬁlled with a variety ofcorporate creatures. Upper-
and middle-management types were lunching in their suits and
ties or high-collar blouses. Workers and secretaries were munch-
ing in their blue shirts or short skirts. The restaurant was buzzing
with conversation and conviviality.
Over the entrée, we were in deep discussion about the com-
pany’s challenges. The CFO, Mr. Wilson, was talking about the
ﬁnancial outlook when suddenly, BLAM! Not six feet away, a
waiter dropped a tray full ofdishes. Glasses broke, silverware clat-
tered against the marble ﬂoor, and a hot baked potato rolled under
our table in a direct path for Wilson’s feet.
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Practically everyone in the restaurant turned toward the
humiliated waiter. We heard a cacophony of“Uh-oh,” “But-
terﬁngers!” “Whoops, watch it!” “Boy, that’s his last lunch here,”
and a variety oftittering and derisive laughter.
Wilson, however, didn’t miss a word ofhis monologue. Not
one big player at my table turned or blinked an eye. It was as
though nothing had happened. The restaurant gradually quieted
down around us as we continued our deliberations. (A few min-
utes later the baked potato shot back out from under our table. At
that moment, I found myselfwondering whether Wilson had been
a soccer player in his youth.)
Over coffee, the director ofmarketing, Ms. Dawson, was dis-
cussing the company’s planned expansion. Suddenly she made an
expansive gesture with her arms that knocked over her coffee cup.
Just as I was about to say, “Oh dear,” I bit my tongue. Before I
could grab my napkin to help, Dawson was dabbing the muddy
puddle with hers, and not missing a syllable ofher soliloquy. None
ofher cool colleagues at the table even seemed to notice the over-
turned cup.
At that instant, I realized big boys and big girls see no bloop-
ers, hear no bloopers. They never say “Butterﬁngers” or “Whoops”
or even “Uh-oh.” They ignore their colleagues’ boners. They sim-
ply don’t notice their comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and
blunders. Thus, the technique “See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloop-
ers” was born.
Let Me Suffer in Your Silence
I have one friend who every time I sneeze says, “Oh, are you com-
ing down with a cold?” Every time I miss a step on a curb, it’s “Be
careful!” Every time he sees me after a long day’s work he asks,
“Are you tired?” Granted, this is small fry in the great bouillabaisse
ofbloopers. And the poor guy probably genuinely thinks he’s
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being sensitive to my needs. But, darn it, coming down with a
cold, missing the curb, and looking tired are less than cool. Let
me suffer—in YOUR silence.
Ifyou’re having dinner with a friend and she makes a boner,
be blind to her overturned glass. Be deafto her sneeze, cough,
or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your “gesundheit,”
“whoops,” or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded oftheir
own human frailty.
“Fine,” you say, “for small slips, but what should one do in
extreme circumstances?” Say a rippling tide ofsoda is ﬂooding
across the table in your direction and it will be impossible to ignore
by the time it reaches your lap.
Ifpossible, deftly ﬂip your napkin to obstruct the current and
keep talking. Try not to miss a syllable ofthe sentence you started
before the oncoming tide. At this point, your companion might
mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitly weave a parenthetical “It’s
nothing” into your current phrase and continue talking. On such
small sands the castles ofbig cat camaraderie are built.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #78
See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers
Cool communicators allow their friends, associates,
acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of
being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing
biological functions. They simply don’t notice their
comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas.
They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of
human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never
gape at another’s gaffes.
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Ifpeople hate to be reminded ofthe moments when they’re
not shining, there is another event almost as disillusioning. It is
when a talker is shining and the spotlight abruptly pivots to a more
urgent matter. The speaker is forgotten in the ﬂurry.
Top communicators put the glow back in the gloomy gabber’s
eyes with the technique that follows.
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In ancient Japan, ifyou saved someone’s life, it was their self-
imposed task to spend the rest oftheir life serving you. Nowadays,
ifyou rescue someone’s story, a molecule ofthat ancient instinct
still gushes through his or her veins.
It happens all the time. Someone in a group is telling a story
and, just before their big point, BOOM! There’s an interruption.
Someone new joins the group, a catering person with a tray of
crackers and cheese comes over, or a baby starts crying. Suddenly
everyone’s attention turns to the new arrival, the nibbles on the
tray, or the “adorable” little tyke. Nobody is aware ofthe inter-
ruption—except the speaker. They forget all about the fact that
the speaker hasn’t made his or her point.
Or you’re all sitting around the living room and someone is
telling a joke. Suddenly, just before their big punch line, little
Johnny drops a dish or the phone rings. After the crash, everyone
talks about little Johnny’s clumsiness. After the call, the subject
turns to the impending marriage or medical operation ofthe caller.
Nobody remembers the great punch line got aborted—except the
joke teller. (When it’s you regaling everyone at a restaurant, have
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you ever noticed how you can almost set your clock by the waiter
coming to take everyone’s order just before your hilarious punch
line?)
Most joke and story tellers are too timid to say, after the inva-
sion, “Now, as I was saying . . .” Instead, they’ll spend the rest of
the evening feeling miserable they didn’t get to ﬁnish. Here’s where
you come in. Rescue them with the technique I call “Lend a Help-
ing Tongue.”
Watch the gratitude in the storyteller’s eyes as he stabilizes
where his story sunk and he sails offagain toward the center of
attention. His expression and the recognition ofyour sensitivity by
the rest ofthe group are often reward enough. You are even more
fortunate ifyou can rescue the story ofsomeone who can hire you,
promote you, buy from you, or otherwise lift your life. Big winners
have elephantine memories. When you do them subtle favors like
Lend a Helping Tongue, they ﬁnd a way to pay you back.
How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering301
Technique #79
Lend a Helping Tongue
Whenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interrup-
tion play itselfout. Give everyone time to dote on the
little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the
jagged pieces ofchina.
Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the
person who suffered story-interruptus, “Now please get
back to your story.” Or better yet, remember where they
were and then ask, “So what happened after the . . .”
(and ﬁll in the last few words).
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Harvey Mackay, the world’s most notable networker who rose
from envelope salesman to corporate CEO and one ofAmerica’s
most sought-after business and motivational speakers, teaches us
that the world goes ’round on favors. How right he is! The next
three techniques reveal unspoken subtleties ofthis critical balance
ofpower.
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Savvy businesspeople know everyone is constantly tuned to the
same radio station—WIIFM. Whenever anyone says anything, the
listener’s instinctive reaction is “what’s in it for me?” Sales pros
have elevated this constant query to the exalted status ofacronym,
WIIFM. They pay such strict attention to the WIIFM principle
that they don’t open their pitch with the features oftheir product
or service. Top pros start by highlighting the beneﬁts to the buyer.
Except for tactical reasons during sensitive negotiating, big
winners lay both “what’s in it for me?” and “what’s in it for you?”
(WIIFY) right out on the table. This is so critical that, ifone cam-
ouﬂages WIIFM or WIIFY, the concealer is relegated to the sta-
tus oflittle loser.
I once invited a casual acquaintance to lunch. I had hoped to
consult with Sam, the head ofa marketing association, on my
speaking business. I told him my desire and jokingly asked ifan
hour ofhis valuable time was available in return for lunch at a great
restaurant. That was my way ofsaying, “Look Sam, I know there’s
no real beneﬁt to you except a tasty lunch and the dubious plea-
sure ofmy company.” (In other words, I was revealing WIIFY.)
To make the meeting even more convenient for him, I said, “Sam,
choose the date and the best restaurant in your neighborhood.”
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The day ofour lunch consultation rolled around and I trav-
eled forty-ﬁve minutes across town to his chosen restaurant. As I
entered, I was surprised to see an assortment ofpeople arranged
around the largest table in the room with Sam as the smiling cen-
terpiece. Obviously, this was not the setting in which I could con-
sult with him. Unfortunately, Sam had already spotted me by the
coat check. I was trapped.
It wasn’t until after-lunch coffee arrived that I realized why
Sam had assembled the group. He wanted each to donate presen-
tations on their particular expertise to his organization. The sly
fox hadn’t revealed his own “what’s in it for me?”
Had Sam been a straight shooter and big player, he would
have told me on the phone, “Leil, I’m getting a group ofspeakers
who might be helpful to my organization together for a Dutch-
treat lunch. I will, ofcourse, try to answer your questions about
your speaking business, but we will be a group often. Would you
like to join us, or shall we choose another date when we can have
more privacy?”
I would gladly have spoken pro bono for Sam’s group had he
been up-front about it. Instead, by not revealing WIIFM, we both
lost. I lost a halfday and, because ofhis trickiness, he lost my free
speech for his group.
Don’t Deny Them the Pleasure
ofHelping You
Big winners also lay their cards on the table when asking someone
for a favor. Many well-meaning folks are embarrassed to say how
important the favor is to them. So they ask as though it’s a casual
inquiry when it’s not.
A friend ofmine named Stefan once asked me ifI knew any
bands his organization could hire for their annual event. I told him
“No, I’m sorry. I really don’t.” But Stefan didn’t let it go at that.
He pressed, “Leil, didn’t you once work with bands on ships?”
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I told him “Yes, but I no longer have contact with them.” I
thought that was the end ofit. But Stefan didn’t. He grilled me
further and I found myselfgetting confused and irritated. Finally
I said, “Stefan, who’s in charge ofgetting the band?”
He sheepishly said, “I am.”
“Criminy jicketts, Stefan, why didn’t you tell me it was your
responsibility? In that case, let me do some research and see ifI
can ﬁnd a good one for you.” I was happy to do my friend a favor.
But Stefan, by not telling me how important it was to him, risked
not getting help. He also went down a notch or two in his friend’s
esteem by not revealing WIIFM.
When asking someone for a favor, let them know how much
it means to you. You come across as a straight shooter, and the joy
ofhelping you out is often reward enough. Don’t deny them that
pleasure!
Asking or granting favors is a fabric that holds together only
when woven with utmost sensitivity. Let us explore more ways to
stitch this delicate cloth so your relationship doesn’t rip.
How to Let ’Em Know “What’s In It” for Them305
Technique #80
Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY)
Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge
the respective beneﬁts. Reveal what’s in it for you and
what’s in it for the other person—even ifit’s zip. Ifany
hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox.
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One ofmy clients, Susan Evans, heads up a large real estate ﬁrm.
Once, sitting in her ofﬁce discussing an upcoming project, her sec-
retary buzzed. “Excuse me, Ms. Evans, it’s your brother-in-law
Harry on the phone.”
“Oh, ofcourse,” she smiled, “put him on.” My client, mak-
ing apologies for the interruption, picked up the phone. I left the
room for a few moments to give her privacy.
When I returned, Susan was just hanging up, saying, “Sure,
have him phone me.” She told me the call was from her brother-
in-law whose young cousin worked in a gas station but was inter-
ested in a career in real estate. “The young man is going to call
me and I’ll see ifI can help him out.” It was obvious she was happy
to do her brother-in-law a favor. We picked up our discussion
where we left off.
Not four minutes later, the secretary buzzed again. “Ms.
Evans, a Sonny Laker is on the line. He says he’s your brother-in-
law Harry’s cousin and he’s supposed to call you.” My client was
taken aback. I could tell from her expression she was saying to her-
self, “Boy, my overanxious brother-in-law didn’t waste any time,
did he?” It seemed obvious to both ofus what had happened. Like
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greased lightning, Harry must have hot-breathedly called Cousin
Sonny to give him the big headline: Evans Would See Him! Then,
by dialing Ms. Evans immediately, Sonny made it seem the big-
deal interview was the most important event in his otherwise dull
and dismal life.
True or not, one verity remained—Little Cousin was insensi-
tive to an unspoken rule big winners always obey: don’t jump
immediately when someone is doing you a favor. Allow the per-
son granting the favor time to savor the pleasure ofagreeing to it,
before having to pay up.
Both brother-in-law and potential employee slipped in Evans’s
estimate, all because oftiming. To ensure the kid wouldn’t call his
real-estate-mogul sister-in-law too quickly, Harry should have
waited a day before telling his cousin the good news. Also, young
Sonny should have asked Cousin Harry about Evans’s schedule.
Sometimes an immediate call is advantageous but not when some-
one is granting you a favor.
One might think Evans was unfair judging Sonny harshly just
because he didn’t let her savor the favor. It runs deeper than that.
Evans’s subconscious thought process goes something like this: “If
this kid is insensitive to the subtleties oftiming when getting a
How to Make Them
Want
to Do Favors for You307
Technique #81
Let ’Em Savor the Favor
Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your
generous buddy time to relish the joy ofhis or her
beneﬁcence before you make them pay the piper.
How long? At least twenty-four hours.
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job, how sensitive is he going to be when negotiating the sale ofa
house?” One agent’s overanxious call to an owner can mean thou-
sands lost in commissions for the ﬁrm.
Big winners have supernatural vision into your future. They
see every communications blunder you make as a visible blotch on
your x-ray. It dims your prognosis for being successful in life.
Let’s look at yet another tenuous thread between favor asker
and favor grantor that must not be severed lest the relationship
unravel.
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I once asked a well-connected friend who works in a top Los
Angeles talent agency ifshe knew any celebrities I could contact
for a project I was working on. Tania ﬂipped though her Rolodex
and came up with just the names I needed. It was obvious to both
ofus, I owed her big time.
When I thanked her profusely on the phone, Tania said, “Oh
I’m sure you’ll ﬁnd a way to pay me back.”
“Well, ofcourse I will,” I said. “That goes without saying.”
And well it should have gone without saying. She was reminding
me the favor wasn’t out offriendship, but because she expected
something in return.
Two days later, Tania called and said she was coming to New
York in a few months. She was just checking now ifI could put
her up then. Naturally I could, but blatantly cashing in on the
return favor so quickly was not a smooth move. When someone
does something nice for you, you ﬁnd yourselfwith an elephant’s
memory. In fact, you consciously look for ways to return the favor.
Had Tania called, even years later, ofcourse I would have remem-
bered “I owed her one.” Frankly, I was glad it came up so quickly
so I could even the score. Nevertheless, I do wish the whole barter
aspect had been left unspoken. It tarnished what should have been
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a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnish always wears offon the
tarnisher.
When you do someone a favor and they obviously “owe you
one,” wait a few weeks. Don’t make it look like tit for tat. Allow
the favor asker the pleasurable myth that you joyfully did the favor
with no thought ofwhat you’re going to get in return. They know
that’s not true. You know that’s not true. But only little losers make
it obvious.
The next three techniques also involve timing, not offavors,
but ofimportant discussions.
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Technique #82
Tit for (Wait . . . Wait) Tat
When you do someone a favor and it’s obvious that “he
owes you one,” wait a suitable amount oftime before
asking him to “pay.” Let him enjoy the fact (or ﬁction)
that you did it out offriendship. Don’t call in your tit
for their tat too swiftly.
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When police were hot on the tail ofa thiefin ancient times, he’d
frantically seek a church to duck into. The crook knew ifhe could
get to an altar, the frustrated posse could not arrest him until he
came out.
When a pack ofwolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit ofa
jackrabbit, the frightened bunny’s eyes seek a hollow log. He
knows the wolves can’t devour him until he emerges.
Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens.
Although unspoken, they are as secure as the tenth-century altar
or a hole in the log. At clearly understood times and places, even
the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. I call these “safe
havens.”
I have a friend, Kirstin, the president ofan advertising agency
who each year invites me to her company’s Christmas party. One
year, the holiday spirit was in extra-high swing. Conviviality was
high and champagne ﬂowed freely. It was a terriﬁc bash.
The evening wore on, more bubbly ﬂowed, and the decibel
level ofthe holiday revelers went up and up. So high, in fact, that
Kirstin told me she was going to tiptoe out the back door and
offered to drop me offat my place.
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As we were making our way toward the exit, we heard a woozy
voice in the crowd, “Oh Kirrr-stin, Kirrr-stin!” A mail-room
worker, warped with too much seasonal spirit, wobbled up to her
boss and said, “You know, thish ish a great party, a grr-reat party.
But I been doin’ some ﬁguring. Ifhalfwhat it cost went into a
child-care facility for the seven, count ’em, seven mothers with
preschool children who work here . . .”
Kirstin, a top communicator, took Jane’s hands in hers and
gave her a big smile. She said, “Jane, you’re obviously excellent at
math. You’re right, just about halfofwhat this party cost would
indeed pay for the opening ofsuch a facility. Let’s talk about it
during business hours.” We then made a swift departure.
On the way back to my place, she let out a big breath and said,
“Whew, I’m glad that’s over.”
“Didn’t you enjoy the party, Kirstin?” I asked.
“Well, sure,” she said, “But you never know what’s going to
happen. For instance,” she said, “that remark Jane made.” She
went on to explain management had already had several meetings
about opening a child-care facility for employees. In fact, plans
for turning an unused storage area into a beautiful nursery were
already in the works. Naïvely, I asked Kirstin why she hadn’t men-
tioned that to Jane.
“It wasn’t the right time or place.” Kirstin had handled the sit-
uation at the party the way any big winner would—no spoken
confrontation now (but probable silent condemnation later).
Jane, unfortunately, had broken the ﬁrst unspoken safe-haven
rule, “Parties Are for Pratter.” Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she
punish her inappropriate behavior? Not then, ofcourse. Never-
theless, Jane would probably feel the repercussions a few months
down the pike when it came to promotion time. But by then poor
Jane wouldn’t even know why she was passed over.
Will it be because ofa one-time overimbibing? Jane might
grumble, “Yes.” Jane is wrong. It’s simply that big players can’t take
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the chance that one oftheir key people will feel too much holiday
spirit at another party and next time confront an important client.
Let’s move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape
the claws ofbigger cats and, they hope, the growls oflesser ones.
How to Know What
Not
to Say at Parties313
Technique #83
Parties Are for Pratter
There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle
where even the toughest tiger knows he must not
attack. The ﬁrst ofthese is parties.
Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not
for confrontations. Big players, even when standing
next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod.
They leave tough talk for tougher settings.
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Did you ever wonder why business lunches between big bosses go
on interminably long, sometimes well into the afternoon? Did you
ever suspect it’s just because they like to sit, drink, and massage
each other on the company expense account? Perhaps there’s an
element ofthat. But the main reason is because the dining table
is an even more sacred safe haven than a party. Big boys and big
girls realize, whether it’s a business dinner, lunch, or breakfast,
breaking bread together is a time when they must discuss no
unpleasant aspects ofthe business. After all, tough negotiating can
kill your appetite.
Let’s listen in on an average business lunch between big play-
ers. We hear the clanking ofglasses as they consume drinks over
convivial conversation. They are discussing golf, the weather, and
making general observations about the state ofthe business. Dur-
ing the main course, the discourse turns to food, the arts, current
affairs, and other nonthreatening subjects.
“Wasted time?” one might ask. Not at all! The big players are
watching each other’s moves very carefully, calculating each other’s
skills, knowledge, prowess. Like NFL scouts observing college
football practice, they’re determining who’s got the right stuff. Big
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players know how people handle themselves at a social occasion is
an accurate barometer oftheir big-business muscle. As they are
smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes, they are all making
silent critical judgments.
Finally, coffee arrives. At this point one or more ofthe biggies
gently broaches the business at hand. Naturally, he or she does it
with supposed reluctance, trying to repress the obvious reliefthat
at last they can get down to signiﬁcant stuff. He exudes, “What a
shame such genial company should have to concern itselfwith
mundane matters like making money.”
Only after they have played out this crucial charade can they
discuss business. But no dirty business. The biggies can brainstorm
over coffee. They can discuss proposals over dessert. They can toss
around new ideas over cordials. They can explore the positive side
ofthe merger, the acquisition, or the partnership while waiting for
the check.
However, should any disagreement, misunderstanding, or
controversial aspect arise, they must immediately relegate it to
another table, the conference table.
How to Know What
Not
to Say at Dinner315
Technique #84
Dinner’s for Dining
The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners
is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time
when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While
eating, they know it’s OK to brainstorm and discuss the
positive side ofthe business: their dreams, their desires,
their designs. They can free associate and come up with
new ideas. But no tough business.
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This convention probably arose out ofa prudent agreement
not to inﬂict indigestion on each other. Tough negotiating is
unpalatable and can ruin an otherwise perfectly mouthwatering
veal chop.
Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. Ifone
partner in a friendship or a love relationship has some heavy rela-
tionship issues to discuss, save them for after dessert. Even ifyou
don’t solve the problem, you want to enjoy the delicious chocolate
soufﬂé.
Let’s crawl into our third and ﬁnal safe haven to explore it.
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William, who sells widgets, has been trying to get Big Winner on
the phone for weeks to see ifB.W.’s company will buy his line of
widgets. Big Winner is still considering Willie’s widgets and plans
eventually to return his call. However, at this point in our story,
our little hero’s phone has not rung.
It just so happens, one evening Willie ﬁnds himselfstanding
behind Big Winner in the supermarket line.
“What good fortune!” thinks Willie.
“Oh hell!” thinks Big Winner. “I hope he’s not going to hit
me with talk ofhis widgets at this hour.”
Those who appreciate safe havens know there are two very
different endings to this story. The Willie who brings up widgets
with an “Aha, I’ve got you now” gleam in his eye, never gets his
call returned. Even ifBig Winner preferred Willie’s widgets above
all others, he would ﬁnd the supermarket entrapment sufﬁciently
painful to punish the little loser.
However, the Willie who just says “Hello there, B.W. How
good to see you,” with nary a word ofwidgets, shows he’s a big
player, too. This Willie will most certainly get his call returned—
probably the next day—out ofBig Winner’s reliefand gratitude
for Willie’s graciousness.
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Consistently create safe havens for people ifyou want them
to elevate you to the status ofbig winner. You may ﬁnd yourself
dining with them, going to parties with them, getting big “hellos”
in the hall, and closing deals much faster than during business
hours. Who knows? Ifit’s your desire, you even make yourselfeli-
gible for some heavy socializing at the top. Big winners make it
safe for each other to accept invitations to play golf, spend the
weekend in their country homes, or relax by each other’s pools.
They know there will be no sharks swimming in the water, no
razor blades buried in the shrimp cocktail.
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Technique #85
Chance Encounters Are for Chitchat
Ifyou’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive
communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a
chance meeting. Keep the melody ofyour mistaken
meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into
your swan song with Big Winner.
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Once night, several years ago on a New York City street, I caught
a man trying to break into a car. I shouted for him to stop. Instead
ofbeing content escaping, the burly would-be burglar decided to
retaliate. As he raced past me, he shoved me down onto the
cement and I cracked my skull against the curb.
Dizzily, I wobbled into the emergency room ofa nearby hos-
pital. Holding an ice pack against my throbbing head, I was grilled
by the emergency room triage nurse on my address, telephone, and
social security numbers, insurance carrier, policy number, ad nau-
seam. It’s as ifshe had said,”The heck with your cracked skull. You
can tell me about that later. What’s your insurance number?”
Don’t bother me with that minutiae! All I wanted to do was
tell somebody, anybody, what happened to me. It wasn’t until the
very end ofher ruthless and sadistic interrogation that she asked,
“So what happened?”
I later told my sad story to a friend, Sue, a nurse who works
in admitting in another emergency room. She said, “I know. I can’t
believe they print the forms that way. Injured people don’t get to
tell what happened to them until the last line ofthe form. Sue said
getting crucial numerical details from people suffering in the ER
with broken bones and burns was a real challenge. Until, she said,
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she switched her questioning around. She’d ﬁrst ask them what
happened. They’d tell her all about it. She’d listen sympathetically.
“Then,” she said, “they were only too happy to give me the infor-
mation I needed.”
Good bosses understand this human need to talk. Robert, a
colleague ofmine who owns a small manufacturing ﬁrm, says
whenever one ofhis employees complains about a problem, he
never holds the griper’s feet to the ﬁre for facts ﬁrst. He hears the
employee out completely. He lets him carry on about the cantan-
kerous customer, the uncooperative coworker. “Then, after he’s
gotten it offhis chest,” Robert says, “I get the facts a lot more
clearly.”
When You Have Important Information
to Impart
Any kid working in a garage knows you can’t pump more gas into
a full tank. Too much topping it off, and it splashes onto the cement.
Likewise, your listener’s brain is always full ofhis or her own
thoughts, worries, and enthusiasms. Ifyou pump your ideas into
your listener’s brain, which is full ofher own notions, you’ll get a
polluted mixture, then a spill. Ifyou want your supersupreme ideas
to ﬂow into her tank unpolluted, drain her tank completely ﬁrst.
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Technique #86
Empty Their Tanks
Ifyou need information, let people have their entire say
ﬁrst. Wait patiently until their needle is on empty and
the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. It’s
the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of
their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas.
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Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let
the speaker ﬁnish completely before you jump in. Count to ten if
you must. It will seem like an eternity, but letting the ﬂustered fel-
low ﬁnish is the only way he’ll hear you when it’s your turn.
“I’m Going to Make You Miserable Before
You Can Enjoy Being My Customer”
Companies that run mail-order operations could take a hint from
this technique. One reason I enjoy ordering from L.L. Bean, a
mail-order clothing and sports-equipment outﬁt, is they let me ask
questions about the wearable or widget I want ﬁrst. They let me
ramble on with my questions about the quality, the available col-
ors, how it looks, how it feels, how it smells, and how it works.
Then, when I’m all whacked up about receiving my four size-ten,
red-and-chartreuse, soft, odorless widgets, they tastefully ask my
credit card number.
Other companies have ﬁrst grilled me on the number, the
expiration date, my customer number (which I can never ﬁnd on
the back ofthe catalogue), and how often I’ve ordered from them
in the past before I even get to fantasize about the wonderful
widget I might want to buy from them. Takes all the joy out of
the purchase and sometimes kills the sale.
Top communicators do more than just let you babble on.
They use the next technique while you’re in the process ofdrib-
bling down.
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Emo
is a word invented by Helen Gurley Brown, the grand dame
of
Cosmopolitan
magazine. Emo translated is “Give more emotion!”
Once
Cosmopolitan
asked me to write an article on communicat-
ing sensitive matters (most speciﬁcally advising young women on
how to make their boyfriends more passionate). I interviewed a
passel ofpsychologists, communications experts, and sexologists.
My draft came back from Cosmo all marked up with “MORE
EMO” scribbled on every page.
I called my editor and asked what it meant. She said that was
Helen’s way ofsaying downplay all that factual stuffwith the sex
therapists and so-called experts. Write about the emotion the young
woman feels when her boyfriend isn’t passionate enough, the emo-
tion the accused male feels when confronted, and the emotion the
couple feels about discussing their quandary. Helen Gurley Brown,
a certiﬁed big winner, liked to have it all and knew just how to get
it. Helen recognized, when the time is right, reject the rational and
empathize with the emotions. In other words, smear on the emo.
“Oh, No! He Must Have Been Mortiﬁed!”
L.L. Bean recently smeared emo all over me. Several months ago,
my friend Phil wanted to buy some trousers and asked for a rec-
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ommendation. I dragged him to my closet to show him the qual-
ity and construction ofthe L.L. Bean clothes. That convinced
him, and Phil ordered a pair ofnavy-blue dress trousers.
Phil wore his brand new L.L. Bean pants for the ﬁrst time on
a big date with a new girlfriend at an elegant restaurant. While
following the maître d’ to the cozy corner booth which he’d
requested, his date happened to drop her evening bag. Phil
promptly bent over to pick it up. Riiiiiiip! Right down the mid-
dle seam.
Most ofthe diners facing Phil’s derriere mercifully looked
away. A few tittered. Phil, tugging the torn seams together to blan-
ket his buns, backed his way into the booth. The cool upholstery
on his bottom the rest ofthe evening reminded him ofhis
humiliation.
When I heard ofPhil’s tribulations, I was furious at L.L. Bean.
I immediately called one oftheir customer service agents. She sym-
pathized as I told her ofPhil’s ordeal, but I was still simmering.
She patiently listened and even asked me details ofthe disaster.
When I ﬁnished the long sad story, the agent said, “Oh that’s ter-
rible. I understand, your friend must have felt awful.”
“Yes, he did,” I agreed.
“He must have been mortiﬁed!” she said.
“He deﬁnitely was,” I said, surprised at her excellent grasp of
the situation.
“And you, when you heard about it. You must have felt terri-
ble, too, especially after you’d recommended our products so
highly.”
“Well, your products usually are excellent,” I said, calming
down a bit.
“I’m so sorry we caused you this pain and aggravation,” she
said.
“Oh,” I interrupted. “It’s not your fault.” Now I was com-
pletely appeased. “It must have just been a ﬂuke that this one pair
ofpants was . . . ”
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There’s more to this story, but let me pause here to interject
the Echo the Emo technique.
The clever customer service rep not only emptied my tanks
and softened me up with Echo the Emo. She completely dissolved
me with the next technique.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #87
Echo the Emo
Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts
from people about an emotional situation, let them
emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with
their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only
way to calm their emotional storm.
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The next day, UPS delivered not only the replacement slacks, but
tucked into the package was a handwritten apology and a hefty
gift certiﬁcate. Would I order from that company again? You bet
I would. Would I recommend their clothes to someone else? You
bet I would. Top customer service folks welcome mistakes because
they know it gives their ﬁrm a chance to shine. Whenever you
mess up and someone suffers because ofit, make sure they come
out ahead, way ahead. I call the technique “My Goof, Your Gain.”
Visiting an important client’s ofﬁce, I once tripped on a rug
and took a nose dive, making a three-point landing in a vase on
her desk. My nose was spared but her vase shattered into
smithereens. Two tubes ofcrazy glue and lots of“Where the heck
does this piece go” later, the vase was back on her desk, and we
agreed it looked pretty good. Nevertheless, the next day I had a
messenger deliver a beautiful vase, ten times the value ofthe
almost-totaled one, with a dozen roses in it.
Whenever we speak, my client tells me every time she looks
at the new vase, she smiles. (A better “incentive gift” than a pen
with your name on it, no?) The next time I visit her ofﬁce, my
client may hide some ofher more valuable breakables. But, thanks
to My Goof, Your Gain, there will be a next time.
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Now, suppose it’s not your boo-boo. It’s theirs. How can you
make their goofyour gain? Read on.
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How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #88
My Goof, Your Gain
Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim
beneﬁts. It’s not enough to correct your mistake. Ask
yourself, “What could I do for this suffering soul so he
or she will be delighted I made the ﬂub?” Then do it,
fast! In that way, your goofwill become your gain.
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In Japan, some citizens prefer to lose their lives rather than to lose
face. In America, the same death wish exists, with one modiﬁca-
tion. The Yank dreams ofthe death ofthe mortal who made him
lose face.
Why make enemies? Unless it is your obligation to catch
cheaters or entrap liars, let them get away with it. Then immedi-
ately get them out ofyour life and the lives you’re responsible for.
Even when the case is open and shut against someone—when
you’ve got the rat ﬁnk trapped—leave him an escape hatch.
The best example I heard ofthis high sensitivity was from one
ofmy clients. She was invited to brunch at the home ofa wealthy
socialite known as “Lady Stephanie.” Lady Stephanie’s home was
ﬁlled with beautiful objets d’art. Not the least among them was
an exquisite collection ofextremely valuable Fabergé eggs, which
all the guests admired.
At the end ofthe elegant champagne brunch, my client told
me she was walking out the door chatting with several other
guests. Just then, Lady Stephanie sidled up to one woman leaving
at the same time as my client. “Oh, I’m so happy you were admir-
ing my Fabergé collection,” Lady Stephanie said, sliding her hand
into the pocket ofthe guest’s mink coat and plucking out one of
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her priceless eggs. “You must have wanted to see this one in the
sunlight. Come, let us look at it together. It does reﬂect the bright
light beautifully.”
The mink-clad thiefgulped and furtively looked around to
see who had witnessed her gentle entrapment. My client and
everyone in the foyer saw what happened, but took Lady
Stephanie’s lead and pretended naïveté ofthe attempted heist.
Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the
sticky-ﬁngered guest “admired the egg in the sunlight.” Then Lady
Stephanie, with her Fabergé egg secured safely between her per-
fectly manicured ﬁngers, marched home to put the treasure in its
rightful place. The attempted egg snatcher crawled back to her car,
from her last attendance at Lady Stephanie’s coveted bashes. The
hostess let the foiled ﬁlcher get away with a few slivered shreds of
her ego left intact.
Why did Lady Stephanie come out ahead? Everyone who wit-
nessed—and subsequently heard about—the thwarted burglary
has renewed respect for Lady Stephanie. Snaring the thief, yet
sparing her pride, helped Lady Stephanie keep her reputation of
“hostess with the mostest.”
Why do big winners let bad-news people get away with bum-
mers? Because, like mothers confronting naughty children to cor-
rect them, confronting creeps is a way ofsaying “I care.” By
closing your mouth (and then the door forever), you are saying,
“You are so beneath me I’m not going to even waste my words on
you.”
“Mea Culpa!”
Big winners leave an escape hatch for the small foibles offriends
they wish to keep by taking the blame themselves. Ifa friend gets
lost and is an hour late arriving at your house, tell her “Those
directions I gave you were terrible.” He breaks your Limoges bowl?
“Oh I shouldn’t have left it in such a precarious position.” It’s the
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old mea culpa routine that endears you to everyone, especially
when they realize it wasn’t your fault.
Residents ofToronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation
for grace. They demonstrated it last year in a downtown Toronto
drugstore. A shopper attempted to stroll out through the security
system with a purloined object in his pocket. Instead ofa shrill
alarm shattering all shoppers’ eardrums, as in many American
cities, a tasteful little chime sounded. A charming voice came
across the public address. “Excuse us, we have failed to inactivate
the inventory control system. Thank you for your patience while
you wait for a customer care representative to come help you.” Isn’t
that a nicer way ofsaying “Freeze, punk, while we come frisk
you?”
Now let’s move on to the next technique to keep people from
messing up—and to help them give you their very best.
How to Trap a Rat with Class329
Technique #89
Leave an Escape Hatch
Whenever you catch someone lying, ﬁlching, exagger-
ating, distorting, or deceiving, don’t confront the dirty
duck directly. Unless it is your responsibility to catch or
correct the culprit—or unless you are saving other
innocent victims by doing so—let the transgressor out
ofyour trap with his tricky puss in one piece. Then
resolve never to gaze upon it again.
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A complimentary letter is called a “buttercup” because it butters
up the recipient. Buttercups are nice. Even nicer are buttercups
about someone to their boss.
I once needed a massive photocopying job. It was so immense
that the assistant manager ofStaples ofﬁce-supply store didn’t
think it could be ﬁnished by the end ofthe week. Nevertheless,
grudgingly, he grumbled, “I’ll try.” In my enthusiasm and hope he
could, I gushed, “Wow, you’re great! What’s your boss’s name?
Your supervisor should get a letter ofcongratulations on hiring
you. You really try harder for your customers.” To my astonish-
ment, not only was my printing job done two days early, but every
time I walk into Staples, the assistant manager rolls out the red
carpet.
“Hmm,” I began to think. “I may be on to something.” A pre-
mature letter ofcommendation for favors not yet received could
be a clever tactic. I decided to check it out with a few heavy hit-
ters on my consultation list.
One fellow I know, Tim, a top travel agent, is a real can-do
guy. He gets anything his friends ask for in a ﬁnger snap. He’s the
fellow to call when you want hard-to-get theater tickets. He’s the
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guy you call when your airline says the hotel is booked or the ﬂight
is oversold.
When I told him ofmy buttercup experience, Tim laughed
and said, “Leil, ofcourse. This is news to you? A complimentary
letter to someone’s boss—or the promise ofone—is a great insur-
ance policy. It’s as good as a written rider that you will be well
taken care ofin the future.”
Now I have a standard one in my computer. The buttercup
reads as follows:
Dear [name ofsupervisor],
I know how important customer service is to an
organization such as yours. This letter is to com-
mend [name ofemployee]. He/She is an example of
an [employee title] who gives exceptional customer
service. [Name ofstore or business] continues to
have my business thanks in great part to the service
given by [name ofemployee].
Gratefully, [signature]
I’ve sent this letter to supervisors ofparking lots, owners of
insurance companies, and to managers ofdozens ofstores where
I shop regularly. I’m sure that’s why I never need to worry about
getting a parking place when the lot is full, an immediate callback
from my insurance agent, and attentive service at my regular shop-
ping haunts.
But be careful! Don’t just ask, “What’s the name ofyour
supervisor?” Hearing those words can make an employee as nerv-
ous as a turkey in November. Be sure to couch it in a compliment.
Say something like, “Wow, you are terriﬁc. What’s your supervi-
sor’s name? I’d like to write him or her a letter.” Then write it!
You’ll forever be a VIP in his or her book.
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The next technique tells you how to stand out as a VIP when
you’re in a group.
332
How to Talk to Anyone
Teechnique #90
Buttercups for Their Boss
Do you have a store clerk, accountant, law ﬁrm junior
partner, tailor, auto mechanic, maître d’, massage
therapist, kid’s teacher—or any other worker you want
special attention from in the future? The sureﬁre way
to make them care enough to give you their very best is
send a buttercup to their boss.
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During the McCarthy era, government spies inﬁltrated under-
ground political rallies to determine who was “dangerous to
national security.” The agents were trained applause watchers.
They photographed and investigated men who clapped ﬁrst,
shouted “Bravo” the loudest, and smiled the longest at the end of
politically inﬂammatory speeches. The spies dubbed those the
“dangerous ones.” The inﬁltrators felt ﬁrst responders were conﬁ-
dent cats who had the power to persuade followers and the
charisma to lead crowds.
In less politically sensitive gatherings, the same principle
applies. People who respond ﬁrst to a presentation or happening,
without looking around to see how everyone else is reacting, are
men and women ofleadership caliber.
Cool Cats Clap First
You are sitting in an auditorium with hundreds offellow employ-
ees listening to the president ofyour ﬁrm introduce a new con-
cept. As you’re slouching anonymously in the audience, you think
your expression is invisible to the man or woman at the podium.
Not so! As a speaker, I guarantee you every one ofmy colleagues
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sees every smile, every frown, every light in every eye, and every
emblem ofextraordinary human intelligence ﬂashing back at him
or her.
Likewise, the company president making a presentation anx-
iously surveys his corporate jungle and, from the pusses peering
back at him, senses which employees are sympathetic and which
are not. He also knows which in the sea offaces ﬂoating in front
ofhim has the potential to be a heavy hitter like himself. How?
Because heavy hitters, even when they do not agree with the
speaker, support the podium pontiﬁcator. Why? Because they
know what it’s like to be on. They know, no matter how big or lit-
tle the cat at the front ofthe room is, when giving a speech he’s
concerned about the crowd’s acceptance.
When the company big shot delivers his last line, carefully
contrived to bring the crowd to its feet or employees to acquies-
cence, do you think he’s unaware ofwho starts the trickle, or the
riptide, ofacceptance? No way! Though his head is down while
taking a bow, with the insight ofa McCarthy-era spy, he perceives
334
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #91
Lead the Listeners
No matter how prominent the big cat behind the
podium is, crouched inside is a little scaredy-cat who is
anxious about the crowd’s acceptance.
Big winners recognize you’re a fellow big winner
when they see you leading their listeners in a positive
reaction. Be the
ﬁrst
to applaud or publicly commend
the man or woman you agree with (or want favors
from).
09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 334
precisely who inaugurated the applause, precisely how long after
the last words were uttered, and precisely how enthusiastically!
Being the ﬁrst to put your hands together, being the ﬁrst to jump
to your feet, and, ifappropriate, being the ﬁrst to shout “Bravo,”
gets you big cat status with the tiger who was talking.
Be the ﬁrst clapper no matter how small the crowd, no mat-
ter how informal the talk. Don’t wait to see how everyone else is
going to respond. Even ifit’s a small group ofthree or four peo-
ple standing around, be the ﬁrst to empathize with the speaker’s
ideas, the ﬁrst to mutter “good idea.” It’s proofpositive you’re a
person who trusts his or her own instincts.
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Any minute, any second, football fans know the score. Even beer-
guzzling Big George, dozing in front ofthe TV set on football
Sunday knows. Poke his pudgy pot, and in a wink, he’ll tell you
who’s winning, who’s losing, and by precisely how many points.
Key players in the game oflife are like George. Even when
you think they’re dozing, they are constantly aware ofthe score
between themselves and everyone in their life—friends and fam-
ily included! They know who is winning, who is losing, and by
how many points.
When two Japanese businessmen meet, it’s obvious who is on
top. You measure it in millimeters from how close to the ﬂoor their
noses come when bowing. (Bottom man’s nose dives lower.)
In America, we don’t have carefully choreographed bows
showing the score in a relationship. But boys ’n’ girls in the busi-
ness big league know who is top dog and who is bottom dog today.
(It can change tomorrow.)
Bottom dog must curtsy deeper. He or she must show defer-
ence. Bottom dog must offer to meet at top dog’s ofﬁce, pick up
the restaurant tab when appropriate, and be respectful oftop dog’s
time. Ifbottom dog fails to show the proper deference, he doesn’t
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get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simply disqualiﬁes him-
selfto bark in the big league.
That’s what happened to my girlfriend Laura, who had devel-
oped the healthy milkshake. (Remember her from Instant Replay?)
When we last left Laura, she was blowing her chances with Fred,
the top banana ofa supermarket chain, by grilling him for details
ofhis mailing address, complaining her pen was out ofink, mak-
ing him wait while she got another, writing numbers down wrong,
ad nauseam.
I didn’t tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous
enough to invite Laura to send him samples ofher health shake,
she dropped another bomb by asking him which shipping service
she should use. He must have said FedEx because I heard Laura
say, “Well, my milkshake needs to stay refrigerated. Does FedEx
have refrigerated trucks?”
At this point I knew she had strangled the deal by her own
phone chord. She shouldn’t nudge Supermarket Czar with dinky
shipping details. In fact, Laura should be so grateful, she should
personally deliver the drink the next day—rolling it all the way to
his supermarket with her nose ifneed be. Laura was obviously not
aware ofThe Great Scorecard in the Sky. That day the tally was
Fred everything, Laura nothing.
Big winners—before putting pen to paper, ﬁngers to key-
board, mouth to phone, or hand to someone else’s to shake it—
do a quick calculation. They ask themselves “Who has the most
to beneﬁt from this relationship? What has each ofus done
recently that demands deference from the other?” And what can
I do to even the score?
Friends Keep Tabs Too
The Great Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over busi-
nesspeople. Iffamily members and friends look carefully over their
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loved ones’ heads, they’ll spot it. And, like an over-the-counter
stock, it goes up or down every day. When you mess up, you have
to even your score by doing more for the one who didn’t. To keep
love alive, keep your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky.
Several months ago, I met a nice chap named Charles at a con-
vention. We started discussing our favorite foods. His was home-
made linguine with pesto sauce. I liked Charles and I make a mean
pesto sauce. The remarkable coincidence ofthese two elements
emboldened me to invite him to dinner at my place. “Great,” he
said. We set it for seven-thirty the following Tuesday.
Tuesday afternoon, I begin preparations for the big date. The
cuckoo clock on the wall monitored my progress. At ﬁve cuckoos,
I run to the store to ﬁnd pine nuts. By six cuckoos, I’m back home
grinding basil and garlic. At seven cuckoos, I’m folding napkins,
setting the table, pulling out fresh candles. Whoops, running late.
I change clothes and spruce myselfup. When seven-thirty strikes,
I am all ready. The pesto and I await his arrival.
Eight o’clock rolls around and no friend. Well, I ﬁgure, I’ll
open the wine and let it breathe. Another hour passes and no
Charles. The cuckoo calls me “cuckoo” nine times now. I begin to
believe the bird. It is evident Charles isn’t coming. I have been
stood up.
The next day Charles called with halfhearted apologies and a
semiplausible excuse. His car broke down. “Gee, I’m sorry,” I said.
(I wanted to say, “Did Martians capture you? Were you trans-
ported to another planet where there were no phones to call me?”
I resisted the sarcasm.) However, he did sound contrite so I was
almost willing to forget it. Until his next question.
He obviously wasn’t aware ofhow he’d slipped in The Great
Scorecard in the Sky because, instead ofinviting me for linguine
with pesto at a ﬁne Italian restaurant to make up for his blooper,
he asked, “When can we reschedule at your house?”
Never, Charlie.
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Your Destiny
We’ve met many people in
How to Talk to Anyone
. A few oftheir
names are changed, but each is very real. Recently, I decided to
track down some ofthe folks with whom I’d crossed paths over
the years. I wanted to see what they’re up to now.
Laura, my old friend who dreamed ofmilkshake millions but
ignored the Supermarket Czar’s scorecard, is now back at her day
job. Sam, who rufﬂed me by not revealing he wanted me to speak
for his organization, no longer has one. Sonny, who hounded his
brother-in-law’s cousin by a too-quick call, is still pumping gas.
Tania, who insisted on immediate tit for tat, no longer has that
terriﬁc job at the talent agency. Poor Jane, the mail-room clerk who
confronted her boss at the Christmas party ﬁve years ago, is still
wrapping packages. And Dan, who left the prolonged inspirational
message on his phone, now has an unlisted number—not a good
sign for an aspiring speaker.
Whereas Barry who asks everyone he calls, “What Color Is
Your Time?” was recently chosen Broadcaster ofthe Year by the
National Association ofTalk Show Hosts. Joe, who keeps note of
everyone on his Business Card Dossier, is now a state senator.
How to Make All the Right Moves339
Technique #92
The Great Scorecard in the Sky
Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering
above their heads. The numbers continually ﬂuctuate,
but one rule remains: player with lower score pays
deference to player with higher score. The penalty for
not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the
Sky is to be thrown out ofthe game. Permanently.
09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 339
Jimmi, the expert at Eyeball Selling, was recently written up in
Success
magazine. Steve, whose staffinsinuates “Oh Wow, It’s You!”
to every caller, is one ofthe most requested speakers on the cable
circuit. Tim, the can-do guy who gets what he wants from work-
ers in every industry by writing Buttercups for Their Boss, now
owns the travel agency. And Gloria, my hairdresser who gives the
great Nutshell Résumé, recently opened a salon on New York’s
fashionable Fifth Avenue.
Does this mean to say that just because the ﬁrst folks irked
me and a few others they were exiled to a humdrum existence?
And the latter group who made people smile would attain great
heights? Ofcourse not. Those isolated moments oftheir lives we
examined were but one move ofmany they made each day.
But consider: ifyou had been who was rufﬂed by Laura, Sam,
Sonny, Tania, Jane, or Dan and they called you, would you feel
like extending yourselffor them? Probably not. The memory of
their ragged dealing would still smart.
Whereas ifyou heard from Barry, Joe, Jimmi, Steve, Tim, or
Gloria, happy memories ofyour exchange would ﬂood over you.
You’d want to do whatever you could for them.
Multiply your response by many thousands. As we said in the
introduction, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, the
smooth moves ofthese big winners have captured the hearts and
conquered the minds ofhundreds ofpeople who helped boost
them rung by rung to the top ofwhatever ladder they chose.
How does one become an instinctive smooth mover rather
than a ragged rider through life? The answer became blindingly
clear one snowy day last winter. Lumbering along a neatly
groomed track on cross-country skis, I spotted a Nordic skier
swiftly striding toward me in the same trail. I didn’t need to
observe his high kick or his snazzy diagonal poling to let me know
I was obstructing the path ofa pro.
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While mustering the energy to lug my throbbing legs out of
the track so Super Skier could soar past, he deftly sidestepped out
ofthe groove, leaving the groomed trail all for me. As he whizzed
toward me, he slowed slightly, smiled, nodded, and said, “Good
morning, beautiful day for skiing, isn’t it?”
I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were
equals on the snow!). I knew he was not thinking “Hey look at
me. Here I am!” but “Ahh, there you are. Let me make room for
you.”
As I implied in the opening words ofthis book, the differ-
encein the life success between those two types ofthinkers is
incalculable.
Why was Super Skier able to pull offhis move so gracefully?
Was he born with the skill? No. His was a deliberate move that
grew out ofpractice.
Practice is also the fountainhead ofall smooth communica-
tions moves. Excellence is not a single and solitary action. It is the
outcome ofmany years ofmaking small smooth moves, tiny ones
like the ninety-two little tricks we’ve explored in
How to Talk to
Anyone
. These moves create your destiny.
Remember, repeating an action makes a habit.
Your habits create your character.
And your character is your destiny.
May success be your destiny.
How to Make All the Right Moves341
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1.Ekman, Paul. 1985.
Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Mar-
ketplace, Politics, and Marriage.
New York: W. W. Norton Co., Inc.
2.Cheng, Sha, et al. 1990. “Effects ofPersonality Type on
Stress Response.” Acta-Psychologica-Sinica22(2):197–204.
3.Carnegie, Dale. 1936.
How to Win Friends and Inﬂuence Peo-
ple.
New York: Simon & Schuster.
4.Goleman, Daniel. 1989. “Brain’s Design Emerges as a Key
to Emotions,” quoting Dr. Joseph LeDoux, psychologist at Cen-
ter for Neural Science at New York University.
New York Times
,
August 15.
5.Kellerman, Joan, et al. 1989. “Looking and Loving: The
Effects ofMutual Gaze on Feelings ofRomantic Love.” Con-
ducted at the Agoraphobia Treatment & Research Center ofNew
England.
Journal ofResearch in Personality
23(2):145–161.
6.Argyle, Michael. 1967.
The Psychology ofInterpersonal
Behavior.
Baltimore: Pelican Publications.
7.Wellens, A. Rodney. 1987. “Heart-Rate Changes in Re-
sponse to Shifts in Interpersonal Gaze from Liked and Disliked
Others.”
Perceptual and Motor Skills
64(2):595–598.
8.Ibid.
343
Notes✰
10 (343-346B) notes 8/14/03 9:20 AM Page 343
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
9.Zig Ziglar, motivational teacher and author ofthe best-
selling books
See You at the Top
,
Secrets ofClosing the Sale
,
Over
the Top
, and
Something to Smile About
.
10.Curtis, Rebecca C., and Miller, Kim. 1986. “Believing
Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors Making the Beliefs Come
True.”
Journal ofPersonality and Social Psychology
51(2):284–290.
11.Hayakawa, S. I. 1941.
Language in Thought and Action
.
New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich.
12.Aronson, E., et al. 1966. “The Effect ofa Pratfall on
Increasing Interpersonal Attractiveness.”
Psychonomic Science
4:227–228.
13.Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement ofTeaching
and Carnegie Institute ofTechnology studies in the 1930s show-
ing that 85 percent ofone’s ﬁnancial success, even in technical
ﬁelds such as engineering, is due to communications skills.
14.U.S. Census Bureau ofHiring, Training, and Manage-
ment Practices conducted a survey of3,000 employers nation-
wide. The preferred qualities in job candidates were, rated in order
ofimportance, attitude, communications skills, previous work
experience, recommendations from current employer, recom-
mendations from previous employer, industry-based credentials,
years ofschooling completed, score on interview tests, academic
performance (grades), reputation ofapplicant’s school, teacher
recommendations.
15.Walsh, Debra G., and Hewitt, Jay. 1985. “Giving Men the
Come-On: Effect ofEye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environ-
ment.”
Perceptual and Motor Skills
61(3, Part 1): 873–874.
16.Walters, Lilly. 1995.
What to Say When You’re Dying on the
Platform.
New York: McGraw-Hill.
17.Axtell, Roger. 1994.
Do’s and Taboos Around the World.
New
York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
18.Bosrock, Mary. 1997. Put Your Best Foot Forward series.
Minneapolis: International Education Systems.
344Notes
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19.Nwanna, Gladson. 1998. Do’s and Don’ts Around the
World series. Baltimore: World Travel Institute.
20.Byrne, Donn, et al. 1970. “Continuity Between the Exper-
imental Study ofAttraction and Real-Life Computer Dating.”
Journal ofPersonality and Social Psychology
1:157–165.
21.Fast, Julius. 1970.
Body Language.
New York: Simon &
Schuster.
22.Fast, Julius. 1991.
Subtext: Making Body Language Work in
the Workplace.
New York: Viking.
23.Lewis, David. 1989.
The Secret Language ofSuccess.
New
York: Carroll & GrafPublishers, Inc.
24.Nierenberg, Gerard, and Caliero, Henry. 1993.
How to
Read a Person Like a Book.
New York: Barnes & Noble Books.
25.Pease, Allan. 1981. Signals:
How to Use Body Language for
Power, Success and Love.
New York: Bantam Books.
26.Sannito, Thomas, and McGovern, Peter J., 1985.
Court-
room Psychology for Trial Lawyers.
New York: John Wiley & Sons,
Inc.
Notes345
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Leil Lowndes is an internationally acclaimed communications
expert who coaches top executives ofFortune 500 companies as
well as frontline employees to become more effective communi-
cators. She has spoken in pratically every major U.S. city and con-
ducts communications seminars for the U.S. Peace Corps, foreign
governments, and major corporations. In addition to engrossing
audiences on hundreds ofTV and radio shows, her work has been
acclaimed by the
New York Times
, the
Chicago Tribune
, and
Time
magazine. Her articles have appeared in professional journals and
popular publications such as
Redbook
,
New Woman
,
Psychology
Today
,
Penthouse
, and
Cosmopolitan
. Based in New York City, she
is the author ofmany books including the topselling
How to Make
Anyone Fall in Love with You
and
How to Be a People Magnet
.
Ifyou come across any communications techniques, send
them to Leil—so she can share them with others. She would love
to hear from you. Her E-mail address is leil@peoplemagnet.com.
Would you like more communications techniques from Leil?
Sign up for her complimentary monthly communications hint.
Go to lowndes.com and click on “Subscribe.”
About the Author✰
11 (347-348B) about the author 8/14/03 9:20 AM Page 347
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.